PULLING MY OWN WEIGHT

- " I've been trying to filter out so many things from my life. All those things that seem to have held me so up high in my earlier years, back when I was above so many and when I heard the words: 'You're only 21 and you're already accomplishing better things then I.' Those words that were once a pat on the back are now haunting me like you would not believe.

It seems that at that moment my mind and body shut off and decided that I did not need to polish my skills, all I needed for the rest of my life I had already learned and If I was already accomplishing better things than him then I must be on the right track. Right?

Well, look at me now. I say to myself that I can't believe what I'm doing but in reality I know exactly why. I know where I went wrong, or better said, I know every time I did wrong and that was every single day after that moment, after I decided I didn't need anything anymore.

I was warned, told time and time again 'You're too much of a romantic.' 'You'll die poor.' Back then I didn't care, I was too full of myself. Now I wish I had done things differently, I wish I had listened, I wish I had thought about it all, tried to have seen a realistic future and not one so romantic, one so full of selfish expectations.

These days I feel like I'm hardly doing a thing. Living with a label written in a language hardly anyone here understands. That makes that label useless, unimportant, unemployable. So the only one that label makes feel important is myself, 'cus I'm definitely not important or valuable enough to those people immediately outside those that are around me.

I feel as If I'm not pulling my own weight in all this. There are so many changes going on around me that I can't seem to keep up. I just can't keep up at the pace I'm currently going, there's no way. Life has hit me hard this time, broken through more than my defenses and left me on the ground picking up whatever pieces of me I can still recognize. I'm not me anymore, I'm something else, not even someone.

This life has taken a turn I did not expect and it's now leaving me behind. I just wish I could... hold on, I'll talk to you later. A customer just came in.... *click*

I found this message on my phone late one Monday night. I came in and saw the numbered messages blinking urging me to check them.

I hadn't heard from him since last winter and as far as I knew things were not this bad. I guess I didn't think about too much.

He never called back, I guess he got tied up in whatever job he's doing right now. All I know is that he's not happy where he is right now, he needs what he had back in the day when were still young and still had stories to tell. Back when life was simpler and it never looked as difficult as it looks today.