···It's one of the worst feelings I have, being able to invent theater like plays in my head where the villain is always someone in the most perfect position to hurt me. I read thru my journals, I breeze thru those days that have long and not so long passed and realize that there have been times where I was lied to, or maybe they just bent the truth a bit. I do not blame anybody, I'm not one to blame anyone for there is always a way for the blame to fall on me instead.

···It was late last night, in between my insomnia and me finishing my last journal that it hit me, I was there for a lot longer than I thought and whatever was said was only for protection of something or because of simple self uneasiness. If she only knew...

···I may be overreacting as I do most of the time, It's just been so long, six months now and It will probably be six more before I am able to at least touch again, much less get what I so desperately need. It's simple for me to remain faithful but It's not easy for me to get these thoughts out of my head, all this desire, all this need that leaves so damned and breathless. I need contact, I desire it but apparently I have not had the best of luck with the days I've been with her... Three weeks.

···This wont destroy anything, I've always told her that she has the last word in these kinds of things, I would just like her to realize how long it has been and for her to consider how hard it's been for me. I can do anything for her and this is still far from what will bring me to my knees. Still, I cant help but sigh.

···Time will pass and another six months will, a whole year, from winter to winter, Chicago to Mexico, but until then I cannot write anymore of that.

I'm slowly getting used to fact of not having her for 12 hours of each day; slowly I'm coming into terms with the fact that she needs me less than I need her, that she has some other things in her life that have some importance. What's strange is that I'm slowly becoming ok with this, all my paranoia are slowly dying down, the thoughts that my head develops by itself are becoming more and more like cartoons than real life; a fiction of life, nothing more than a lie, an exaggeration.

There are days where she comes only to leave the scent of her perfume behind, she's gone as soon as she's here and even though I ask her not to go and to stay she always leaves. I'm not bitter but how I wish she'd stay.

But sometimes, there are days where she comes by and stays long, never for the whole night and never ever long enough, but she stays, she leaves not only her perfume but her aura, her echo, the footprints on the floor, the room is still lit up for hours after she is gone.

She's a girl with many things in her head, music, responsibilities, beauty and assignments, this that are her own to live and develop. I'm still there but she's used to me, she's used to the distance and the time apart. Unfortunately I am not, the thing being that these trips I make are solely and exclusively to see her and none else, whoever crosses my path while I'm here is mere coincidence, I'm here for no one else and her still having these responsibilities are literally choking my intentions and purposes for this trip.

I'm still so very much in bliss though, I would never give this up for anything, even with the sudden lack of passionate kisses and a strange sense of celibacy that have cut our list of activities by two, I would still not give this up for anything.

END OF THE WORLD

You are nothing short of the end or the world,
your hair is fire & comb it so as to leave all you walk
upon burnt.

You are nothing short of the end of the world,
body so light and nimble feet, a face truly called
divine.

You are nothing short of the end of the world,
the rage of the suns coupled with the tenderness of
your touch.

You are the end of the world, in what little I have
walked there's nothing more for me.
You are the end of the world, for I need not search
much more if I've already found you.

You are the end of a road, walking slowly
with steps so small it makes it hard to see how far
I've gone.

You are the end of a long road, resting aside
under the sun and following your breath all the way
to your kiss.

You are the end of my road, in what few people
I've seen in you is where I find the most.
You are the end of my road for I need not to walk
any further to find someone quite as you.

You are the end of a world, I've only just left
you behind; you are the start of a fresh new breath
of life.

You are the end of a road I almost failed to
walk; you are a brand new glimpse of a world that
brings me hope.

You are the end of all I've left behind in
order to survive, you are everything I need to start
a better life.