My mind flies all in It's own... I am so very sorry.

···It's one of the worst feelings I have, being able to invent theater like plays in my head where the villain is always someone in the most perfect position to hurt me. I read thru my journals, I breeze thru those days that have long and not so long passed and realize that there have been times where I was lied to, or maybe they just bent the truth a bit. I do not blame anybody, I'm not one to blame anyone for there is always a way for the blame to fall on me instead.

···It was late last night, in between my insomnia and me finishing my last journal that it hit me, I was there for a lot longer than I thought and whatever was said was only for protection of something or because of simple self uneasiness. If she only knew...

···I may be overreacting as I do most of the time, It's just been so long, six months now and It will probably be six more before I am able to at least touch again, much less get what I so desperately need. It's simple for me to remain faithful but It's not easy for me to get these thoughts out of my head, all this desire, all this need that leaves so damned and breathless. I need contact, I desire it but apparently I have not had the best of luck with the days I've been with her... Three weeks.

···This wont destroy anything, I've always told her that she has the last word in these kinds of things, I would just like her to realize how long it has been and for her to consider how hard it's been for me. I can do anything for her and this is still far from what will bring me to my knees. Still, I cant help but sigh.

···Time will pass and another six months will, a whole year, from winter to winter, Chicago to Mexico, but until then I cannot write anymore of that.