SO FREAKING AFRAID...

Feeling as if you've been taken for granted is probably one of the worst feelings one can experience, being considered like something (one) that will always be there without a second thought, without a shred of doubt... "He will always be there, he's just like that... Routinely dependable." God, fucking kill me now.

It's going on for some time now, preferences overpowering me, a sudden change in the hierarchy of how she sees things, suddenly I feel I've been overshadowed and displaced by something else. And do hope it is "something." I absolutely detest this new hierarchy, her new way of giving importance to things that are over me, it's not that I feel more important than her passions but it's the way she's treating our current situation that throws me to the side; It's how she's managing this situation in which we've hardly talked to each other, seen each other that just bothers the life out of me.

Conversations have lasted fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, sometimes less than that, what can I say when I don't want her to go and fulfill her passion just because I really need to talk to her about nothing?

I try to understand, everyday that something like this happens I try to come up with a reason not to feel so unappreciated, left out, over powered. I say to myself "This will only last the rest of the week. Coming Sunday everything will be back to normal." I also try to convince myself that this is some sort of test that she's conducting just so she can see how crazy and ill she can sometimes make me feel... I've never been good at convincing myself though.

Even worse though are these constant thoughts and images that keep popping inside my sick little skull. All this having another activity that replaces a conversation with me seems far too familiar. It's far more possible that all this is merely a simple coincidence and the games my dirty mind plays on are achieving the purpose. I'd love to be wrong; I'd love to see all of this remain as a coincidence and never see it turn into an irony.

Separated from all that I need, I'm not surprised I've never felt so alone. It's so hard to be gentle and warm; to be able to give the words she needs when I don't feel I'm getting the time I deserve, that's when the thought of being taken for granted sinks so deeply in.

I am so afraid of her, she freezes me in place and it shakes my bones thinking what she's capable of doing. She could as easily kill me by only ignoring me. She could cut me to pieces if she wished it so. Finally all those words that the people without faces said are acquiring substance, "One of them will break first at the hands of time and distance." Will she leave me someday? My disease asks me if she's being unfaithful, I say "Yes." But, what would happen if something like that happened? What would I do? I've imagined the words, my expressions and everything that could happen the instant I close my eyes and imagine that everything is perfectly fine, when outside I'm losing her.

I have never met someone with such a grand potential for hurting me, someone to whom I have to be so careful with and at the same time love so incredibly much. But it's not that she is terrible, far from it it's the complete apposite, she just doesn't know of this capacity she has, and what she does is not something she does on purpose, her passions are her passions, for God's sake she wouldn't miss a single rehearsal even though I had only a week with her, but BECAUSE IT IS HER PASSION I let slide, it hers and not mine to control.

I just need another conversation, that is all.