THE HAND THAT FEEDS

   I change my ink to change what I see,
an empty page is a dead canvas to me.
   So I force myself into the dark,
to take out the words in between all this
sorrow that I hold.

I bite the hand that feeds, for I don't wish
to eat, whats the point of eating if I'm not
allowed to breath?

   I manipulate my soul, no longer carved
from stone, but only flesh and blood with a
delicate frame of bones.
   I'm weaker than your wish, I keep my body
in a bony frailty just to I could hold on to the
wind.

But I'm still heavy enough to shake the heavens,
I'm strong enough to shut hells doors,
wanting only to find a simple space in between
that's not made of just dust and stone.

I bite the hand that feeds just for me to see,
if the hand that reaches out to me, still
bleeds.

   H O M E

   I'm riding down a road of hard work
and broken hearts, I've been broken before,
It's easy to get broken again.

I know, by far, how dangerous a distanced
road can be, I've walked on it in the past and
always been on the losing end.

But I cannot help to accept, this feeling
that drives me back. Back to where
I was alone but never as lonesome...

... a place I called home.

   The road is the same, the city has
never changed, the people come and go
and leave little of those I used to know.

I fear a death alone, I fear that, in my
last goodbye, there wont be anyone there
to reply.

I've been so alone, I could just die on my own.

But I cant help to see, theres always a
brighter light. Even if it's too far away from
me, It's where I was alone, but never as lonesome...

...a place I called home...

...a place I used to call my own.

   Sometimes I wonder how things can fall together
before they fall apart. But as far as this body can take me,
just remember I'll be by your side.

   Climbing up and down then back again, over and under
and trhough our own problems, things we cant avoid but
we can sure as hell leave them behind.

   EXISTENCE

   Spirited away, you were taken from me,
for less than three days. Yet time whispered
it's breath of delayed blood and my own invented
dread.

   I scowl at the feeling, bringing it close to
an impossibility. I remark the words handed
tonight, "Where are you, my Love?"

I shudder in despair, trembling with fright,
vomiting in disgust, from a lonesome presence
and my own pitiful existence.

   Facing the night too late, waking to find
that another day is slain. I find it hard to bleed,
when the world and my enemies have taken all
they need.

   I condemn all this empty space, these
swollen hands that should be stronger so time
could not take you away, arms that should be around
you, instead of the desert's days.

I slip from my distraction, choke on my disbelief,
on how quickly my life can easily slip from me,
and destroy my existence.

Is everything only in my head, or is there really something worth seeing outside?
It's just that the sun hurts my eyes and I'd rather prefer the wolrd a bit colder.

   Without the sun beating down on me, so help me God, I'll fly far enough to stay
in the dark.

And if I go insane, it'll be fine with me. I dont want to break completely, until I'm
too far away for you to see.
You dont have to pick up my bones, I'm a burden only to gravity, making it work,
keeping me on the floor.

"Doesn't reincarnation strike you as another form a procrastination."

Chuck Palahniuk

   Stand aside, the world is about to show it's face, one of death and fallen grace;
the other, one I don't truly understand.
   Lights may flash all around me, but my shadow remains in the dark,
and wherever I go, whatever I do, It's waiting for me by my side.

Shadows grow, light disappeared in the dark, you move around trying to find
a way outside.
Instead, you find yourself trembling, planted in the same spot.
Fear prevents you, it asks "Who are you to move?" And you get left behind.

   Sour days and colder nights, I'd rather remain awake than dream a dream
of fright, of something I couldn't fight.
   Sounds drill all around me, holes from where one can see reality,
but wherever I go, whatever I do, I'm still perfectly locked inside me.

Shadows melt and daylight reappears all around, I move forward to find my way
outside.
Only to find your horrors from the previous night.
Fear curls you up into a ball, it says "Don't worry theres nothing for you
in the outside world."

   "Something or the other, things still wrapped around you,
saying nothing more because I know your intentions,
trying to find what you left behind...

...you wont find dit me there anymore."

   So I return to the only rutine I enjoy, one of sweet, sweet
company.
   So I'll take my chances and put them by your side until
somethin better comes our way.

I'm living what I wished for and yet I want to teach you
so much more, willing to sacrifice a different future.

   Running back and forth, someplace far
behind, it was brought to my attention that all things
were left when I went blind.

I tried to say, that things are staying the same, you
and me could always stay like this.

   Insecurity running thru these veins, why would
you feel this way? About me, about this whole affair.

But, right now, I have nothing to say...

   Hoping to find another day to spend by your side,
or just another way to understand.
   Walking along the shore, bathed by the sun we
forget las night's sin.

We talk just like we were, we've always had things to say,
about each other, about our own day.

I'll some back, someday...

   Hoping to find a way into your heart, I accept as
much as you give, because It's only as much as I can take.
   Walking back to your door, after bathing in a kiss,
I don't smile until it feel like home.

I'm smiling now, while we talk just like we were...

Ok, so yeah, I've changed my template a few times, I just cant find one that really suits me, sorry to all the people who actually visit my blog, I'll try to stay with this one.

So, finally, I've got something to do, I wont get paid but, at least, I'll be doing something other than gathering dust. I'll be helping out Javier Reveles and Catherine Liot at "Estudios del Hombre" (Studies of Man), probably doing simple stuff like analyzing and categorizing material, after all, I'm not getting paid, I'm not about to bust my ass for no pay.

Still, what I'm looking for is to keep my mind and brain in check, functioning and not rotting away here at home, I'll also be more directly in contact with other archaeologists from around here, and abroad, more contacts, more possibilities, more work.

I'll start monday, lets see how it goes.

Last I heard from Courtney (This is thru "away" messages).

iamnotcourt: hey are you there?
iamnotcourt: I just wanted to leave you a message. I sat down here at the computer and started to read through your poems that you sent me, and before I knew it, I had went through every single one. It was kind of surreal, like picking up one of my own old journals, to see where life was and where it is now, you know, and it made me sad that we dont keep in touch like we used to.Makes me sad to think about growing and how life makes us have to change and grow, all be it for the better but none the less forces us to have to go through moments of sitting and reflections.The point to all of my rambling is this, I miss you and hope that life is being good to you, and I hope that life will allow me to slow down soon so that I can make time for these little things that keep us sane sometimes, you know?
iamnotcourt: of course you do, thatch why I treasure you so.....Take care and hope to hear from you soon

Yahoo! Messenger: iamnotcourt has logged out. (29/04/2004 01:25 p.m.)

Bloody hell!!! Now, I'm not one to put up news about animals too often, but this brave little kangaroo, can make people realize that animals aren't as stupid as they think, in they're own little animal kingdom sort of way , unlike that golf-eating dog I posted about a few days ago.

But one can't help but realize how stupid it is for a kangaroo, or any animal, to receive an award for bravery, in that case every lioness should receive one for defending her cubs. The kangaroo will most likely have no idea what the hell is going on, wanting only to hed back home, munch on some food, pooty, then go to bed

Oh well, I guess every country has something, anyone remember the "Chupacabras"?

If y'all not careful CIA agents might come after you after reading, and misinterpreting your blog. You know how people love to get things the wrong way, specially now, where everyone is so stressed out.

My all decent blogger become paranoid about who really reads what's in their blogs. I've always loved getting the government's attention, hehehe.

Cheers

I'm still a bit lost, your body is still a mystery to me,
still plenty of it to explore.
But I never seem to have the time, It's always over
too soon and we say goodbye for tonight.

For every experience from before, you are the most
subtle, complex and intriguing.
But don't keep the door locked for me, don't leave me
sleeping alone outside of your bed tonight.

My imagination slips on your image, like it always does,
my body slips into the real world when you're gone.
I swear, I try to keep awake, but sleeping tonight
means I can play with time...

...and come back to your bed again.

I see you write what you can, memorizing lines
so we can have something to talk about.
But if our minds can't think of the words, I say let our
bodies do all the talking.

Talk to me, I'm listening, I only have ears for your voice.
Kiss these lips that wait only to kiss yours.
Take me away, I'm ready to be taken away by you again.

To some people, mostly those who tend to be pretty ignorant, Archeology is exactly this. Those people are the ones that, usually, just go to see the sites as tourist attractions, and do not see them as more than a pile of stone rubble.

Obviously, few people actually know that the "Digging Process" is but a small portion or an archaeologist's job, it's a shame, really, 'cus it's the most entertaining part. Before one can have a dig season, there's an enormous list of things to accomplish before one stick the shovel into the ground.

First, get a project going, which is, pretty complicated, a lot more neurons burning in this part, gotta make it scientific enough, attractive enough and mysterious enough for the Archeological Board to accept it, which takes about a year, IF your lucky.

Now, the project isn't just writing up your intentions, there a huge bibliographical investigation on the area, an extensive, detail based, search of things from, what the people around there do to, which kinds of bugs hang around the area.

But, digging is a great thing, it's what makes archeology fun, though some archeological will disagree with me.

Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua: "Where girls are hotter than melting magma."
Rodrigo Zapata Guevara
Duque de Anapra

Jesus christ!!!! hahahaha, I couldnt help but laugh, poor dog.

Would you stop eating if you had that many golf balls in your belly, hehehe.

All poets, BEWARE!!!! We just might die suddenly.

Might live as much as we can before getting ourselves in a mental institution, God knows I should be in one, or committing suicide, no worries there.

I keep having all these conversations in my head,
a girl I'd like to meet, a dream I'm finding hard
to complete.
We bite our nails and like to look far away, we share
laughs, our late night "stop 'till you drop" fests.

The chance, a bus trip to somewhere, a place
where rivers flow, where everything moves comfortably
slow.
We'd like to run into each other someday, strange
occurrences are welcome, a fated event only killed by
my income.

Both agreed that we met in past lives, wreaking childish
havoc and indulging our mind. With song and dance, the
opportunity for something grand.

I'll change my plans day to day, things never
stay the same. A different motivation, a sort of
sudden invitation, my life being in a far away
destination.

So I might stay and leave the change for another
day, walk with me, help me find a better place.

We'll walk away from fear and find a place in the shade,
leave all our troubles behind. We've been wound up too
tight.

Let's run away and find our place in the shade...

I'll write you into my plans in a day, like these things
might change. Reconnected function, a new relation, something
that springs forth clearer motivation.

So I might stay and change until a better day, walk
with me, help me find a better place.

We'll walk away from fear and find our place in the shade,
leave all our troubles behind, we've been wound up too
tight.

Let's run away and find our place in the shade...

Go ahead and change my world, tomorrow I'll be gone,
tomorrow I'll be someone else.

Another change of pace, could it be that what I need
is some peace and quiet and stay the same?

I mistakenly use my liberty, I'd rather celebrate
and leave my maturing for another day.

Another change of pace...

Tell me that it's all alright, tell me I'm fine,
tell the world that we can still fly.

Change my world... I dare you.

It's hard to try and comprehend the Mexican vision toward peaceful and group jobs, for jobs I mean CAREERS. The first two years as an Archeologist have been, well, hectic, to say the least. Lack of funds, complete and total cutting of funds, "our funds are where?" "Who's got our funds?"

Even though, the Iztepete project has been rewarding, two years and the place looks very nice, like it never has, so, if we've gotten all this reprise, all this "paper" support, and salutations, why hasn't the money poured in already? Easy, Mexican Governmental bureaucracy (I like to call it "Beaurocrazy.") Stupid secretaries, lazy public officials and even worse city mayors who prefer to put a real unnecessary cast on a local monument than dishing out the money for cultural projects that will last a lot longer and have more impact than a huge statue of a shield and spear wielding woman with a cast.

The statue has been there for decades, the Iztepete, even more, and will remain there, most likely, longer than most of us; the cast will be taken off in a few weeks... It seems people are enjoying more a passing thing, then something more permanent, all because of an ill "routine" that might just crawl up they're ass and make them see that this city will never change without long lasting urban and cultural projects.

That's not all, even with the international archaeological experience that I have, being still limited, this is something I do not see elsewhere except here: "Archaeological Mafias", yup, you heard right, "Mafias". Basically, how they work is as follows:

Archaeologist "A" does not get along with Archaeologist"B".
A new, plump, just recently graduated Archaeology Major, lets call him Archaeologist "C", decides to work with Archaeologist "A".
Automatically Archaeologist "C" will be permanently burnt with Archaeologist "B" and will never EVER work with him or her, because he or she assumes, Archaeologist "C" is on Archaeologist's "A's" side and not his or hers.

Ahem... Childish, need I say more?

This, obviously presents a troublesome scenario for young Archaeologists who, despite being excellent researchers and dependable workers, will not be able to complete an original project due to the constant shots being fired at them by people they have never met, nor have read they're plans for a project.

This happens to me, and to many other people. That is why the rest of my graduating class and I, and those below us, have made up our minds to leave Mexico and work elsewhere.

It's more of a necessity, than a personal choice, what are you going to do when you cant work properly or ascend the social ladder into a better quality of life? It's difficult enough that Archaeology in Mexico doesn't pay much (IT DOESN'T PAY ENOUGH), it's worse when people are constantly shooting you down, or you cant work because a decent project cant get of it's feet.

That's what happens to Archaeologists in Mexico, and it's not just in my area, Historians, Anthropologists, have the same problem, I hope it's not all over the world.

Where is my lover??? Where might she have gone??? I cant say I waited for her, but I can say I had her in my heart. But it's late, she might be asleep, does she feel safe without my arms around her??? Is she dreaming a dream of me???

I missed her today, an empty house and only this lonely soul to walk inside it, where are you my love, when my body cried for yours??? Can't you hear my heart's loud beating??? Must I scream the wind out of my lungs??? Will you hear me then???

Are you hearing me now??? Are you smiling while you sleep??? Will you embrace me when I come around??? I missed you today, for all the sake of the world, I missed you today.

So I'll sleep tonight, a sound slumber with restless dreams, my body aches, my mind wanders, my heart beckons to hear you say, "I love you", "touch me again", "take me away." So I'll sleep tonight with a restless soul until I find a way to come back home.

I missed you today.

A lot of time has passed since I wrote anything down, a lack of inspiration or just too little time on my hands to just sit down and write something good.

So I'm what you can call, "Ok", I just left the love of my life some 2,200 kilometers away and I'm here by myself, can't complain really, because I just spent a whole month with her, still, it feels good to complain, and I just might do so.

She's so far away right now, that the only way we can talk is through means that just don't express any emotions, even by phone, your voice cannot totally express what you want people to notice, but, It's all we can do right now, it's all we have.

She's beautiful, kind of like a "lost and found", because we had a connection some years ago, she was very young and I was in a complicated situation, sparks flew but we only got burnt , thankfully, it didn't leave scars and we found each other again, probably just by chance, because I don't like to believe in fate.

So this is like a little welcoming "free write", I hope this will make me come back to this blog which I left to rot a long time ago, I'm amazed I still have the account.

So, anyway, when your 24 and you've just found out you've used up all your God-given potential well, then, cheers.

FAMILIAR WARMTH

I stared at the ceiling today and it stared back,
relentless look always looking down at me, it shows
me it's heart of stone.

I turn to my side, It's sight gone off to somewhere
else, I look at the pictures, windows and walls
all around, they push me down.

But then my hand brushes close to a familiar warmth,
my body moves toward it, I open my eyes to find you
laying by my side.
And the walls shatter, the windows open wide and
the ceiling loses it's eyes, I fall asleep and into the
dream world again.

All my thoughts have left while I stand alone,
while I fly back, never looking down, always ahead,
where you always are.

So I turn my head to one side, just to look for your hand,
and I smile while my eyes cry out "Can't you hear
my hearts loud beating?"

But then my hface is brushed by a familiar warmth,
my body reacts and my face moves towards it, to find
kissing my bloodstained cheer.
And the clouds all huddle together and cover up
the sun, they give us a little shade and rain to soften
the ground we'll fall upon.
So whatever reason we may have is reason enough
to hold our stance, against everything between us,
against everything but our world.

I've always wondered , how things move
and people change, from time to time,
but time stands still.

Depressed as I am I cant help but smile,
because I know hat for every darkened sky
the sun will eventually shine.

I'd like to shine sometime, just like you have
all the time.

If time was my friend, I'd have it in my hand,
she'd give me all of her that I need and I'd give
myself to her like I've already did.

Stepping on snow, leaving footprints
behind, one pair of footprints, to show I've
always walked alone.

Good times or bad times always one pair
of footprints alone.

Melting snow, now the footprints
are gone, little left of what I've left behind
nothing of what I've learned.

Better times and worse times, always walking
by my self.

TIRED OF SAYING

In time I’ll see, I know times are hard and
few things are what they seem.

Whoever thought that time sits still was blinded
by the thought and run over by the truck.

I’m tired of saying that everything is too complicated to understand,
that dreams always seem to slip from my hands.
I will stop time!!! I will capture light!!!
And that truck will miss me because I’ll be flying a mile high.

So in time I’ll see, that life plays it’s own games
and plays them with me.

Whoever thought love is a straight line was pushed around for fun
and got run over by life.

I Will stop time!!! I will capture love!!!
And life will walk down with me and show me all that’s going by.

Having another time of my life,
there’s still time, to think, before
the lights die down.

Rolling the town on our hands,
chances of a lifetime brought together
by these hands.

So I’ll stand and toast for this trip
Then just turn my head an walk away…

… and dream again.

A sudden inquiry, what could she be offering with this sudden possibility?

A midnight thought, only interrupted by dreams, uncertainty and doubt.

We crossed swords before, she and I both knew what we were intended for,
maybe just that night instead of a later reproduction of our own fall.

¿Could she propose? ¿Can she say the words I’ve been doubting and writing in my verse?

Unaware of my position in this event, still not sure if I am to stay or go away,
maybe just to give our selves to this, a sort of farewell kiss.

Go ahead and change my world, tomorrow I’ll be gone,
tomorrow I’ll be somewhere else.

Another change of pace, could it be that what I need
is some peace and quiet and stay the same?

A bad use of my liberty, I ‘d rather join a celebration and
leave my maturing for another day.

Another change of pace, could it be that what I need
is some peace and quiet and stay the same?

Tell me that It’s all al right, tell me I’m fine,
tell the world that we can still fly.

Words make up only for words
that were said before, actions speak louder
than you and the say nothing worth remembering.

Even though once you said time
and distance were not enough, what you did say spoke
louder than you ever thought.

No more intentions, just this bloody relationship
you insist upon, calm your words and cower in your
corner, you were doing fine until now.

But something woke you up, a threat of losing
what you thought you held so tightly but you never
held at all, you lost power over my soul.

So whatever things are needed
to be said, forget them for today and leave me
in peace for a change, I don’t care for what you have to say.

Although things could’ve worked out
and I made you believe, just take it as a sort of
revenge , something I’d never do, well It’s about time
I changed.

No more intentions, just this bloody relationship
you insist upon, dragging the past back to my door,
well there I’ll introduce you to my new owner.

Still something woke you up, the thought of losing
what you thought was forever yours while it was
never yours at all, you lost power over my soul.

So now whatever you do, don’t come
around here while I’m still around, I’m not interested
in starting a war in foreign ground.

Stay put, stay still for a change,
realize that a heart once broken can never be mended
again…

… stay and appreciate your own place.

Things don't change as easily as one wishes, or needs, she is going crazy and she's driving me out of my mind, she needs to get a life, she needs to realize that she has got it better than I do, I'm not from this town, my only way to relax is to write, she has friends here, mine have already left this god for saken city.

I need to let loose for a while, do nothing because I can, breath just for the sake of breathing, no responsabilities other to myself and to what I do, basically I need to be alone.