A letter...

September 11th, 2006

My apartment is starting too much like my parents house, that stench of smoke was impregnating everything, my clothes, furniture, the whole freakin' place. Scented candles aren't worth shit when you start smoking and I've been smoking a lot.

Three weeks today, actually. Three weeks since I've started buying packs of cigarettes still trying to figure out which ones are my favorites. Right now the unfiltered ones are doing the job. It's strange how much l'm resembling my father.

I haven't left my place ever since I walked out on him at the park, remember my friend I talked to you about? I've been calling in sick to school and work; I gave myself my own private vacation. Maybe you've asked yourself why haven't you seen me around, if you actually care. I've kept my distance from you because of he last conversation we had, I cant remember when it was or where, all I know is that I have no idea where this is going. The only consolation is that you don't know much more than me either. So basically I feel like I'm wasting my fucking time and I think It's about time I stop doing that.

I walked outside for a few minutes just to have a smoke in the cool air that was blowing outside, somehow a cigarette tastes better when it's cold, don't you think?. I bought another pack just to have as a back up and the guy from the store asked me about you and how he hasn't seen us hanging around, "She has better things to do, I guess" I replied on my way to the door. He said something else but I did not lend an ear to listen. I had already been outside for far longer than I wanted to.

I understand where you're coming from and what you don't want from all of this, but theres so much I thought I could get from you. I'm not disappointed or mad, just confused, you know? We simply can't seem to speak when we're face to face.

You know as much as I do that I cant wait and I wont, also, you know that I'm not interested in anyone else so at least that comforts me; at least I wont be pressured or put down by another rejection.

I'm planning on calling him again soon (my friend, I mean). I know I talk too much about him but he's the only person I have here that I can trust (besides you) and I think I might have hurt his feelings just walking away that day but, to say the truth, I was getting so fucking pissed with his attitude, I know I've probably driven him crazy with all this but that's exactly why I go to him, he's the only one that can help me out.

So I'm gathering myself for something, or most likely nothing, whatever happens that's what It'll be.

We'll just have to wait and see, I guess.

Right?