I played God the other day, changing reality,
making believe that the world being round is a lie.
   Heaven went dry the minute spoke, I wrecked
whatever I had built, I had buried all underground.

I'd do anything for a change, I'd do anything for a
different point of view, I'd do anything to know how
to kill you.

   I played & lost the other day, putting a smile
in the table all I got back was a frown.
   Hell froze over the minute I dropped the lie,
I destroyed a whole town of possibilities.

I'd do anything for a chance, an instant for the
distance to go away & to cry from a kiss or
embrace than of loneliness instead.

To feel appreciated instead of threatened,
to smoothly fly instead of crash landing all
the time.

To hear a particular voice instead of a crowd,
to find that perfect face I've been hanging on the
wall.

Particular, flawless, perfect & so far away, winter
will bring you back & take you away again.
I'm nailing the snowflakes to the sky, I'm playing God
again & shouting at the sun.

   What's all this I'm giving to myself? A new, completely different
undarkened place, a brand new lonely routine for me.
Lights and & rain, music & temptations dance all together in a
single place. Of all thethings I thought were mine, I realize now,
they were never for me.

   But my thoughts were drilling a hole outside, to let the air come inside
and exchangeit for some light.
Reflections & strangers, names & faces all converge in a single word of
loneliness, it is worth it seeing this as anything but the exact same.

Float me away to a room with fewer walls & a tin roof,
something I can easily break through.

Ride me in top of smoother ground, without glass & stone,
somewhere I can say I'mnot alone.

   My imagination reshapes all of my reality into something I don't know
but that fancies predictability.
Sleep & dreams, affection & love are the prizes I've failed to earn every time
I distance myself to heal, but end up only feeling terribly alone.

   What's all this I'm giving to myself?
A new, completely different undarkened place,
a brand new lonely routine for me.
Lights and & rain, music & temptations dance
all together in a single place. Of all the
things I thought were mine, I realize now,
they were never for me.

   But my thoughts were drilling a hole outside,
to let the air come inside and exchange it for some light.
Reflections & strangers, names & faces
all converge in a single word of loneliness,
it is worth it seeing this as anything but the exact same.

Float me away to a room with fewer walls & a tin roof,
something I can easily break through.

Ride me in top of smoother ground, without glass & stone,
somewhere I can say I'm not alone.

   My imagination reshapes all of my reality into something
I don't know but that fancies predictability.
Sleep & dreams, affection & love are the prizes I've failed to earn
every time I distance myself to heal, but end up only feeling terribly alone.

   Hopefully something more, of all that I'm already wishing for,
I ask for something more.
   All this is time consuming, in between the insanity, all this
sanity is time consuming.

Occupying a space much too large for my frail body, a sudden
cold promises a much waited and lonely place to be.

Leave the cold outside, we need not leave the bed and lose this
comforting warmth.

   Something much less harmful, from the distances we destroy,
all I seek is something completely harmless.
   Other than that, instead of finding ourselves in the same barren
desert. I seek something other than that.

Changing the space much to my accord, I still look for you to fill
a space feel so cold.

Leave the cold outside, we need not see the sky when we can
make up our own falling stars.

   Help me realize how much I care for you, remind me by
   coming and knocking on my door.

   Feeling a walking distance away from a peculiar fall from grace,
a strange enough sensation in a strange unfamiliar atmosphere.

Impulses controlling an obvious urge, to quench a desire,
probably more of a necessity.

If I ever fall from grace, if it's time that's breaking me now, I hope
I land on softer ground.

   These unfamiliar words, these sudden unaccustomed feelings
of killing the demons of my own personal desires.

I'm slowly falling to the ground and I'm doubting if I should ever
hold on.

Am I?
Posted by Hello

A whole month in Warrensburg, I really cant say I've seen a lot, but I really wont say that haven't seen anything worth mentioning. I'm pretty sure I'm making friends here that will last me the rest of my life, not only my fellow professors, or people I meet here, but also students.

Classes are still going well, at least I think. My 11 o'clock class is a lot more interesting than my 9 o'clock one, and it shows on the grades they got on their first quiz. It's not that I don't like my 9 o'clock, it's just so difficult to try to reach people that don't want to be reached, that are not making the smallest effort to learn. They still did well though, cant complain.

Spanish Club is another thing I was, sort of, obligated to join, It's really nothing else than people getting together, native and non-native Spanish speakers to, speak Spanish; "No English or other foreign language allowed." That should be the motto. It's actually very interesting.

I cant really say much more, I've been absorbed by work (and as of now, hunger), but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would. It's actually very entertaining, and everyday, I go home satisfied or, at least, in a good mood, knowing that in one of classes someone learned something, whether something important or not as much, but SOMETHING.

I promised I would post here more often, and I will, soon.

Cheers y'all

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

To calm this animal desire with something so human Where is what I want when I least need it? Where can I find everything that I hurt myself with?

You'll never know what it is to have lived if you haven't died, you'll never know the complete extension of love until you've hated.

To wear the chains of a past much better put away than forgotten, carrying the weight only to walk a little slower, when you need to feel a little lower.

You'll never know how it feels to fly, until you crash and burn, you'll never know how it is to need someone until you're forgotten and alone.

To cry until you're completely dry, to run until you collapse,
to soother until it hurts, to fail until you've tried.

Calm my demons down, however small they may be,
they're demons none of the less.
Fears that have grown, insecurities that have remained,
all those darkened memories that remain.

A soul this small can grow bigger than you know, If I can be killed
and survive, there's nothing in the world that I can't go through.

They take their sweet time, they chew on my bones
and leave my soul for dessert, they always leave enough of me
for tomorrow.

   Drive me mad, show me the world and place it just beyond
the reach of my hand. Show me how close I am to proving
your wrong.

Bring the rain, let it fall on my hands and cool off my feelings,
I need the space, I need a place to start from the beginning.

   To seek this chance, to exchange this place, dark and lonely,
for something grander, troublesome and lonely responsibility.

I LEAVE TO FORGET

   Remind me of the past that I'm about to forget,
If I'm living an endless present, from where will I
learn and regret?

I leave to forget and I forget to give myself a reason
to come back. If my past is gone, how am I going to find
my way home.

   Lightning strikes, lights fill the shadows
of this once empty room. A dark cave waiting to be
lit my memories.

I leave to forget and forget why I left in the first
place. If my past must die the instant I'm born, where
will my future come from?

   Killing the shadows, that's how I control the sadness
   of a head once filled with unforgettable memories.

I'm finding a road, all withered & forgotten,
a road that will take me exactly where I want to be.

Far away from here.

I'm arriving alone, but I will be joined by someone before long.
Caged inside my hollow cube, there will only enough space for someone like you.

I'm looking up a hill, dense in brush & darkness,
my feet run over it & before I ask myself why I started
running, I realize, you are on the other side.

I'm waiting without company to be held, I'm waiting here until we can
call all this "home".
Caged in another country, there are only so many places for you & me.

It's when I try to talk that I seem to forget what we
were talking about.
I'm lost in more of your things than just your eyes.

Well, I've been out for a long time now, about 10 days with a whole lot to say, mostly why I haven't posted enough updates recently.

The thing is, I'm moving to Missouri next Thursday (the 12th), I'm going to give Spanish classes as an Intern Teacher at CMSU (central Missouri State University) for the whole school year, so, coming this Thursday, I'll be living the "American Way of Life."

I'm excited, yet a bit frightened, I know half of the fear is in the anticipation of something, so I'm swallowing all the fear and just letting this happen. The truth is, I want it to start already.

I got this gig through an Intercultural exchange program called "Amity", which interviews prospects to teach they native language in the United States, it offers them a Host Family and a small stipend so, basically, one needs money for his own little spendings, since you're not paying for food nor housing. Anyone interested should check the webpage out.

So I start off next Monday with orientation, that'll be from the 16th, up to the 22th, I think, they'll be showing us how CMSU works, how they would like us to work , all that stuff.

I'm gonna have to get used to a lot of things, what with the differences between Mexican an American culture, I've lived near the border most of my life, but to say that life in El Paso TX, is completely American, is way off. For starters, Mexicans are a bit more liberal, Sexual Harassment is not a big thing here, and stares, comments and such, are much more tolerated here than they are up north.

I have no problem with the food, it will actually be good to me since I need to gain a few kilograms to get to my ideal weight. Other than that, everything should be ok.

I'll be living in a small town called Warrensburg, it only has a population of about 15,000, of which 10,000 are students at CMSU, so the atmosphere should be interesting.

I'll be turning this weblog into a sort of online journal on my experiences over there, whoever reads this will probably see a change, cutting down a little on poetry and seeing more free writes, it'll probably get more interesting.

Anyways, let's this over with, two more days and I'll be outta here, wish me luck people.

   Ten minutes from departing, People!!!! Pray, think about me, any good karma will help during these next two weeks.

   Cheers y'all.

There are still places of you for me to go,
theres still of you to see.

   In all this darkness that I let surround me,
there are always small flashes of light that
fly through me.

There you are, in my dark abode, I use words
to describe your silhouette in this gentle
twilight.

I have so much beauty around me, that the
darkness turns into light and my world is, again,
lit up...

   And I'm shown the way, through the desert
and up the mountains, across the world and into
your room...

... when I wake up, what I find next to me, is you.

Dreams slowly fade, my body awakes to find
the same pleasant darkness.
I fall asleep again, and wait until the darkness
turns into light.

   THE HAND THAT FEEDS

   I change my ink to change what I see,
an empty page is a dead canvas to me.
   So I force myself into the dark,
to take out the words in between all this
sorrow that I hold.

I bite the hand that feeds, for I don't wish
to eat, whats the point of eating if I'm not
allowed to breath?

   I manipulate my soul, no longer carved
from stone, but only flesh and blood with a
delicate frame of bones.
   I'm weaker than your wish, I keep my body
in a bony frailty just to I could hold on to the
wind.

But I'm still heavy enough to shake the heavens,
I'm strong enough to shut hells doors,
wanting only to find a simple space in between
that's not made of just dust and stone.

I bite the hand that feeds just for me to see,
if the hand that reaches out to me, still
bleeds.

   H O M E

   I'm riding down a road of hard work
and broken hearts, I've been broken before,
It's easy to get broken again.

I know, by far, how dangerous a distanced
road can be, I've walked on it in the past and
always been on the losing end.

But I cannot help to accept, this feeling
that drives me back. Back to where
I was alone but never as lonesome...

... a place I called home.

   The road is the same, the city has
never changed, the people come and go
and leave little of those I used to know.

I fear a death alone, I fear that, in my
last goodbye, there wont be anyone there
to reply.

I've been so alone, I could just die on my own.

But I cant help to see, theres always a
brighter light. Even if it's too far away from
me, It's where I was alone, but never as lonesome...

...a place I called home...

...a place I used to call my own.

   Sometimes I wonder how things can fall together
before they fall apart. But as far as this body can take me,
just remember I'll be by your side.

   Climbing up and down then back again, over and under
and trhough our own problems, things we cant avoid but
we can sure as hell leave them behind.

   EXISTENCE

   Spirited away, you were taken from me,
for less than three days. Yet time whispered
it's breath of delayed blood and my own invented
dread.

   I scowl at the feeling, bringing it close to
an impossibility. I remark the words handed
tonight, "Where are you, my Love?"

I shudder in despair, trembling with fright,
vomiting in disgust, from a lonesome presence
and my own pitiful existence.

   Facing the night too late, waking to find
that another day is slain. I find it hard to bleed,
when the world and my enemies have taken all
they need.

   I condemn all this empty space, these
swollen hands that should be stronger so time
could not take you away, arms that should be around
you, instead of the desert's days.

I slip from my distraction, choke on my disbelief,
on how quickly my life can easily slip from me,
and destroy my existence.

Is everything only in my head, or is there really something worth seeing outside?
It's just that the sun hurts my eyes and I'd rather prefer the wolrd a bit colder.

   Without the sun beating down on me, so help me God, I'll fly far enough to stay
in the dark.

And if I go insane, it'll be fine with me. I dont want to break completely, until I'm
too far away for you to see.
You dont have to pick up my bones, I'm a burden only to gravity, making it work,
keeping me on the floor.

"Doesn't reincarnation strike you as another form a procrastination."

Chuck Palahniuk

   Stand aside, the world is about to show it's face, one of death and fallen grace;
the other, one I don't truly understand.
   Lights may flash all around me, but my shadow remains in the dark,
and wherever I go, whatever I do, It's waiting for me by my side.

Shadows grow, light disappeared in the dark, you move around trying to find
a way outside.
Instead, you find yourself trembling, planted in the same spot.
Fear prevents you, it asks "Who are you to move?" And you get left behind.

   Sour days and colder nights, I'd rather remain awake than dream a dream
of fright, of something I couldn't fight.
   Sounds drill all around me, holes from where one can see reality,
but wherever I go, whatever I do, I'm still perfectly locked inside me.

Shadows melt and daylight reappears all around, I move forward to find my way
outside.
Only to find your horrors from the previous night.
Fear curls you up into a ball, it says "Don't worry theres nothing for you
in the outside world."

   "Something or the other, things still wrapped around you,
saying nothing more because I know your intentions,
trying to find what you left behind...

...you wont find dit me there anymore."

   So I return to the only rutine I enjoy, one of sweet, sweet
company.
   So I'll take my chances and put them by your side until
somethin better comes our way.

I'm living what I wished for and yet I want to teach you
so much more, willing to sacrifice a different future.

   Running back and forth, someplace far
behind, it was brought to my attention that all things
were left when I went blind.

I tried to say, that things are staying the same, you
and me could always stay like this.

   Insecurity running thru these veins, why would
you feel this way? About me, about this whole affair.

But, right now, I have nothing to say...

   Hoping to find another day to spend by your side,
or just another way to understand.
   Walking along the shore, bathed by the sun we
forget las night's sin.

We talk just like we were, we've always had things to say,
about each other, about our own day.

I'll some back, someday...

   Hoping to find a way into your heart, I accept as
much as you give, because It's only as much as I can take.
   Walking back to your door, after bathing in a kiss,
I don't smile until it feel like home.

I'm smiling now, while we talk just like we were...

Ok, so yeah, I've changed my template a few times, I just cant find one that really suits me, sorry to all the people who actually visit my blog, I'll try to stay with this one.

So, finally, I've got something to do, I wont get paid but, at least, I'll be doing something other than gathering dust. I'll be helping out Javier Reveles and Catherine Liot at "Estudios del Hombre" (Studies of Man), probably doing simple stuff like analyzing and categorizing material, after all, I'm not getting paid, I'm not about to bust my ass for no pay.

Still, what I'm looking for is to keep my mind and brain in check, functioning and not rotting away here at home, I'll also be more directly in contact with other archaeologists from around here, and abroad, more contacts, more possibilities, more work.

I'll start monday, lets see how it goes.

Last I heard from Courtney (This is thru "away" messages).

iamnotcourt: hey are you there?
iamnotcourt: I just wanted to leave you a message. I sat down here at the computer and started to read through your poems that you sent me, and before I knew it, I had went through every single one. It was kind of surreal, like picking up one of my own old journals, to see where life was and where it is now, you know, and it made me sad that we dont keep in touch like we used to.Makes me sad to think about growing and how life makes us have to change and grow, all be it for the better but none the less forces us to have to go through moments of sitting and reflections.The point to all of my rambling is this, I miss you and hope that life is being good to you, and I hope that life will allow me to slow down soon so that I can make time for these little things that keep us sane sometimes, you know?
iamnotcourt: of course you do, thatch why I treasure you so.....Take care and hope to hear from you soon

Yahoo! Messenger: iamnotcourt has logged out. (29/04/2004 01:25 p.m.)