March 12th, 2006. The Day Everything Changed

···Whatever keeps me out of trouble; whatever saves my neck before the shit hits the fan. I've never been so evil as I have been these past two weeks; I've never been so inconsiderate as I was yesterday; never so naive as right in this exact moment.

···Who give me the right? I've fought all my life for someone else and It's been going on for so long that I've noticed I've rarely fought for myself. Wheres what I want? Wheres what I need? Wheres is what I desire? I'm not sure what it is; It's, at least, not here; she's always someone far away.

···I've broken someone's heart and with actions passed I've broken my own. My usual misinterpretations, my life-long expectancy that someone is or has exactly what I need.

···Cheers to homicide! That's this season's phrase with all the memories and misery that has, how it lost me all I wanted and how it made me realize I had nothing to begin with. I based my actions on the needs of something in which I am but a small part, almost three years like this can break a man... I just wish it would have broken me sooner. I am not ashamed of what we went through, it was an amazing three years but it had to end sometime, I couldn't just keep waiting; I couldn't just keep expecting; I couldn't just keep idealizing this feeling, everything I expected.

···Nobody seems to care that I'm in the fight for my life, no one around seems to understand how life disappoints me most of the time, beginning with the fact that life now is a responsibility not an opportunity and from there you have to find whatever small piece of time you can to build a life; everything is a career; everything is a memo; everything is numbers; everything is taxes, money, convincing, saying goodbye, never cumming. Everything is papers and signatures, everything is contracts and revenue, everything is an erection only half hard. Most of life is a disappointment.

···This is me trying to change this; this is me trying to fuck the world and finally doing what I want; this is me trying to be bigger than anyone else; being a bastard; being a lover; being easy to kiss; being embarrassed and wasting time discussing a matador's package. This is me being thrown into incoming traffic; this is me pushing back, hurting our hands and almost cracking my skull; this is me being exactly how I wanted to be.

···I still hurt someone though, someone who expected me to stay like this; to keep being taken for granted; to be satisfied with so little when I wanted so much more. Excitement, enthusiasm, motivation, openness.

···Everyone is gone right now, specially her, who knows when I'll see her again or IF I'll see her again. Maybe that is for the best... maybe It's not... Cheers to homicide!.


···You managed to step into foreign ground; illegal words with an illegal touch.
···Whatever we leave aside we can always toast to homicide.

···You managed to speak the exact words to convince someone of what
···all those kisses were worth.
···So instead of cheering for life we say "Cheers to homicide."

···Cheers to the dead;
···A toast to end with the living.
···Cheers to the shadows of death,
···cold and silent.
···So again we can toast and say
···"Cheers to homicide."