How things are brought upon me I don't know. SOmetimes I don't care to know... sometimes It's the only thing I think about. It is complicated to ponder something else besides what breaks you or put you back together.

   She is a strange creature no doubt. I still do not understand her, not even scratching the surface when it refers to her. Sometimes that works to my advantage but most of the times it backfires in my face.

   I've lost view of what I came here for, the opportunity is gone and possibilities are more narrow now than they were before I moved back to this city that I never quite leave.

   I don't feel as close anymore, I don't feel that I'm from this place... I feel completely out of place. The depression that hits and that nobody sees has been one of the worst I've had. Maybe having it kept in secret is better that letting it come out into the light.

   I'll give you the world so it can crush you; I'll give you the sea so you can down and I'll give you the air so it can choke you.
   I've been given everything to hurt you but It's always been you who's killed me. It's so simple to do, a word or a look of disdain.

Kill me so I have a reason to do the same. The rage I feel is as present as ever and the need to inflict it as well. You are close to me now... keep far, far away.

   You give me a kiss of our passion, you give me the body of this temptation. You've given yourself to prove you can break someone who's already broken.
   Congratulations on destroying someone already destroyed.

   It's not exactly how I feel but what she's been making me feel.

   This is all far to strange for me.

It doesn't convince me to tell you the truth. Of all the things I thought that would scare her, this was not one of them. She argues the worst, says "It's creepy" and I cant help but feel exactly that.

I guess I should understand her, It's only been (almost) three years now, It's far too little time to get to know me...

How would you know of my weakness and my custom made darkness?
I deserve what my body defines as a "normal way of life."

I find it hard to believe how someone can find it so simple to live. Day by day, each and everyone seems exactly the same.

I've never mentioned my fears or my weakest of points. What's the use of breathing if all there is contaminated air?

See me choke with my own breath, realize that
the thing that hurts the most is the earth we
walk upon.

I can never talk without looking away, half my life I haven't lived and the other half is a lie.

I've made it so it doesn't fit with yours, I'd destroy it and build my own so I wouldn't feel so desperate and alone.

Why can't I pretend that life is sound and there's something more to this ground, what little I have you've managed to find out, not from force but because I've bled out for you.

This world that seems to turn this slow, everything seems to go the way I don't. But as slow as everything is, It's still harder to move.

Never have I felt so envious of people I once thought so poorly about...

   Sometimes It's hard to break out the frame of mind I'm in, so what if I'm narrow minded at times? I cant help but see things my own way and the rest of the world is wrong. I'm not part of that world which I despise, I'm part of my own. If my world is this small I don't mind at all, at least it's my own.

   This trip did not clear my head at all, as far as I know as soon as I got there I wanted to come back and do something else, It's strange how one wishes to go away by themselves or with just one specific person. That person was not in this trip by the way.

   I was trapped in this moving cage with wheels, with three other people that do not understand my situation, people so close to me yet so far, that there are times I cant recognize who they are. "Friends" they are called and I consider them so, for at one time some of them saved my life but, what is the price I have to pay for me to be by myself when I have to be surrounded by these people? I need my time, I need my space, I need my pen and my paper to gather my thoughts in black and white. So that is why I enjoy my small piece of loneliness, I stray myself, lose myself just so I can get that time and space I need to breath, to reconcile my spite against life; yes I loathe it.

   I stay in my little shell, My small box of thought and lunatic's ideas, I am exactly that, a caged lunatic.

···It's one of the worst feelings I have, being able to invent theater like plays in my head where the villain is always someone in the most perfect position to hurt me. I read thru my journals, I breeze thru those days that have long and not so long passed and realize that there have been times where I was lied to, or maybe they just bent the truth a bit. I do not blame anybody, I'm not one to blame anyone for there is always a way for the blame to fall on me instead.

···It was late last night, in between my insomnia and me finishing my last journal that it hit me, I was there for a lot longer than I thought and whatever was said was only for protection of something or because of simple self uneasiness. If she only knew...

···I may be overreacting as I do most of the time, It's just been so long, six months now and It will probably be six more before I am able to at least touch again, much less get what I so desperately need. It's simple for me to remain faithful but It's not easy for me to get these thoughts out of my head, all this desire, all this need that leaves so damned and breathless. I need contact, I desire it but apparently I have not had the best of luck with the days I've been with her... Three weeks.

···This wont destroy anything, I've always told her that she has the last word in these kinds of things, I would just like her to realize how long it has been and for her to consider how hard it's been for me. I can do anything for her and this is still far from what will bring me to my knees. Still, I cant help but sigh.

···Time will pass and another six months will, a whole year, from winter to winter, Chicago to Mexico, but until then I cannot write anymore of that.

I'm slowly getting used to fact of not having her for 12 hours of each day; slowly I'm coming into terms with the fact that she needs me less than I need her, that she has some other things in her life that have some importance. What's strange is that I'm slowly becoming ok with this, all my paranoia are slowly dying down, the thoughts that my head develops by itself are becoming more and more like cartoons than real life; a fiction of life, nothing more than a lie, an exaggeration.

There are days where she comes only to leave the scent of her perfume behind, she's gone as soon as she's here and even though I ask her not to go and to stay she always leaves. I'm not bitter but how I wish she'd stay.

But sometimes, there are days where she comes by and stays long, never for the whole night and never ever long enough, but she stays, she leaves not only her perfume but her aura, her echo, the footprints on the floor, the room is still lit up for hours after she is gone.

She's a girl with many things in her head, music, responsibilities, beauty and assignments, this that are her own to live and develop. I'm still there but she's used to me, she's used to the distance and the time apart. Unfortunately I am not, the thing being that these trips I make are solely and exclusively to see her and none else, whoever crosses my path while I'm here is mere coincidence, I'm here for no one else and her still having these responsibilities are literally choking my intentions and purposes for this trip.

I'm still so very much in bliss though, I would never give this up for anything, even with the sudden lack of passionate kisses and a strange sense of celibacy that have cut our list of activities by two, I would still not give this up for anything.

END OF THE WORLD

You are nothing short of the end or the world,
your hair is fire & comb it so as to leave all you walk
upon burnt.

You are nothing short of the end of the world,
body so light and nimble feet, a face truly called
divine.

You are nothing short of the end of the world,
the rage of the suns coupled with the tenderness of
your touch.

You are the end of the world, in what little I have
walked there's nothing more for me.
You are the end of the world, for I need not search
much more if I've already found you.

You are the end of a road, walking slowly
with steps so small it makes it hard to see how far
I've gone.

You are the end of a long road, resting aside
under the sun and following your breath all the way
to your kiss.

You are the end of my road, in what few people
I've seen in you is where I find the most.
You are the end of my road for I need not to walk
any further to find someone quite as you.

You are the end of a world, I've only just left
you behind; you are the start of a fresh new breath
of life.

You are the end of a road I almost failed to
walk; you are a brand new glimpse of a world that
brings me hope.

You are the end of all I've left behind in
order to survive, you are everything I need to start
a better life.

COMMON

I still feel overthrown by all this words I fail to learn. What little I can understand are only whisperings of a common man.

I still feel the storm coming in, I don't remember when I felt as small as I feel today, these are only the complaints of a common man.

I've been left alone; I've been kept in the dark from all the things I need to be a man.
I've never felt so small and I've never felt so "in between" worlds.

If you believe I'm behind every shadow and around the thoughts in your mind, these are only the wishes of a common man.

I've been forgotten again; I've been a well kept secret for as long as I have known.
I've never realized that I am as common as the next man.

Marzo '05

She is so sorely missed...

SO FREAKING AFRAID...

Feeling as if you've been taken for granted is probably one of the worst feelings one can experience, being considered like something (one) that will always be there without a second thought, without a shred of doubt... "He will always be there, he's just like that... Routinely dependable." God, fucking kill me now.

It's going on for some time now, preferences overpowering me, a sudden change in the hierarchy of how she sees things, suddenly I feel I've been overshadowed and displaced by something else. And do hope it is "something." I absolutely detest this new hierarchy, her new way of giving importance to things that are over me, it's not that I feel more important than her passions but it's the way she's treating our current situation that throws me to the side; It's how she's managing this situation in which we've hardly talked to each other, seen each other that just bothers the life out of me.

Conversations have lasted fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, sometimes less than that, what can I say when I don't want her to go and fulfill her passion just because I really need to talk to her about nothing?

I try to understand, everyday that something like this happens I try to come up with a reason not to feel so unappreciated, left out, over powered. I say to myself "This will only last the rest of the week. Coming Sunday everything will be back to normal." I also try to convince myself that this is some sort of test that she's conducting just so she can see how crazy and ill she can sometimes make me feel... I've never been good at convincing myself though.

Even worse though are these constant thoughts and images that keep popping inside my sick little skull. All this having another activity that replaces a conversation with me seems far too familiar. It's far more possible that all this is merely a simple coincidence and the games my dirty mind plays on are achieving the purpose. I'd love to be wrong; I'd love to see all of this remain as a coincidence and never see it turn into an irony.

Separated from all that I need, I'm not surprised I've never felt so alone. It's so hard to be gentle and warm; to be able to give the words she needs when I don't feel I'm getting the time I deserve, that's when the thought of being taken for granted sinks so deeply in.

I am so afraid of her, she freezes me in place and it shakes my bones thinking what she's capable of doing. She could as easily kill me by only ignoring me. She could cut me to pieces if she wished it so. Finally all those words that the people without faces said are acquiring substance, "One of them will break first at the hands of time and distance." Will she leave me someday? My disease asks me if she's being unfaithful, I say "Yes." But, what would happen if something like that happened? What would I do? I've imagined the words, my expressions and everything that could happen the instant I close my eyes and imagine that everything is perfectly fine, when outside I'm losing her.

I have never met someone with such a grand potential for hurting me, someone to whom I have to be so careful with and at the same time love so incredibly much. But it's not that she is terrible, far from it it's the complete apposite, she just doesn't know of this capacity she has, and what she does is not something she does on purpose, her passions are her passions, for God's sake she wouldn't miss a single rehearsal even though I had only a week with her, but BECAUSE IT IS HER PASSION I let slide, it hers and not mine to control.

I just need another conversation, that is all.

I small glimpse into my private life, I' incredibly uninspired and I dont know why I'm posting this.

I'm troubled by the upcoming days, to see my life change so suddenly, to see everything I'm supposed to see.

I'm troubled by this unfounded hate directed at no one but enforced in every single way.

   I seek what can be destroyed, I look for what I can absorb, taking whatever I can throw on my back, a weight that pushes hard on my soul.

Don't tempt me, I'm troubled by the possibility of hurting you, hurting me.

   I find truth in solitude, warmth in desperation and life in inactivity. I take my time everyday to crawl out of all this sincerity.

I'm troubled by my good deeds, I want to hurt you, I'd love to see you bleed.

I'm troubled by this hate, unfounded and directed at no one but made larger ever passing day.

   Disconnect me, unplug my heart before this body goes too far.
   "Sticks and stones can brake your bones and my words can now
   destroy you."

The world can spin,
it can shake the floor
and drop me to the ground.

I'm embarrassed to say
that I've lost my vision
of how this world used to be.

I'm not convinced It's round
anymore.

The world can spit on me,
it can throw my dreams into
the floor and crush them
with her foot.

I'm troubled to realize
that I can do more then what
I'm intended for.
I'm not quite convinced that
my life was all laid flat on
the floor.

Don't worry about me, I'm bound for worse things, so if you see me on the floor just wait,
I'm bound for fall farther down.

I find doubt throwing me deeper into loneliness, when a simple answer can change the way
I look at love, still hide safely behind a concrete wall.

Concrete can still break and a heart can still be mended.
The world can still be flat so that one can still fall of the edge.

Don't worry about the cloud over my head, it erases the steps I've made making sure I
don't turn back stare at my past.

I find the dust gathering on my shoulders, I drag the rocks behind my forgotten steps,
I've dropped love on the floor before I killed it with stones.

Stones can still break but love can survive under all their weight.
The world can turn into a ball and spin me dizzy out of my way.

   Run it around my neck, place the collar and pull me back, I'm yours. Mistreat me then feed me to the dogs, clean me up and tell me that you love me before you kill me.

I'm your abuser, I'm the abused. The days hit hard both ways, the punches I've pulled are the wounds I've inflicted on myself.

   Turn the fire up, kiss me long before you throw me in the mud. I'll carry the sins too heavy for you as long as you're mine before you kill me. Before I disappear.

I'm the abuser and yo abuse me back, the silences are sharper than knives, they're the ignorance that's taking and eating away our lives.

   Bury me in the ground so I can save your space when you come visit me again.

   I've tried to understand how life works then lead us away from what we were meant.

   I never thought I could live this long, yet I always thought this felt too wrong, the words of a man ring inside my skull asking me "Why do you deny human nature?"

I've lived my life against the balance of what my body does against what nature intends. I lived based on how I've loved and not by how I've been broken in half.

   It is fidelity that such a simple torture for myself, the fact of waiting and be left alone.

   I never believed someone would open to me so bold, a word so harsh, and intent to kill the years that passed with a simple act from an inaccurate theater act.

I've seen how my life wants me to be, taking turns at the wheel letting go whenever I forget how to drive. I've lived based on how I've been loved, never by how I've been torn apart.

And until all the breath decides to leave my lungs, I'll write these that tell the stories of then and now.

   You drag me to where I can be dropped, the edge of sanity and piece of mind when I though I could get away from that this time.

   We walk where we were left to die, funny how the world where our hearts were broken and bodies mistreated seems to be our favorite place.

   A desert sun and scorching heat, a landscape once adored now only becomes our meeting point.

We escape, we walk to the cold where rain of fire is replaced by falling snowflakes.

   It's a matter of time before I close my eyes to move again, the time and space change what once was great into something that can easily be destroyed.

You are what creates and destroys each and everyone of my days.

So, how does one destroy what he loves the most? How does one survive with this thought eating him up inside?

   I had a strange premonition of a hard
cold past and sinful memories.
   I have been the devil and I have been
the saint, I have flown in the clouds and
I have walked over burning coals.

Leave a light on for me, because next time
I come back, I'll never leave.

Forget our past and the tears we have spent,
not even hell can overpower whatever strength
we have left.

   My light is combined with darkness and
shade, It's my own little escape.
   For every good deed in my life I have
another sin, for every time I've flown in
the sky I have crashed on the ground.

   And burnt my feet.

Leave whatever you know of me for when
I come back I'll never leave.

Forget our past and stop planning the future,
whatever time we have is much better spent
in our own personal seclusion.

ME AND (IN) MY PARANOIA

   It's these types of things that like to get into my head and rip it apart with images that most likely are the farthest from the truth possible but, nevertheless, they seem to get inside my demented little head. It doesn't take me much to get me started and for my imagination to run wild, a few words or some assumptions, even something that's not even there but I misinterpret, "What could this mean? Am I being laughed at? Am I being mocked? I really don't know, one can never be sure, one has to trust people more than I do now or else one can go even crazier than I am now.

   It's images I see in the dark, images in my head and I represent in writing or others peoples designs, sometimes I am not able to construct my own. These images naw away at my subconscious, eat my sanity and make me go to bed with all that will hurt me, nothing can ever help me from this. I trust people, that's MY nature, that's what I do, I've always thought that living a life of distrust is even more self-destructive than what I'm going through now, just because what I feel now is what I've imposed on myself, the problem is once I started I've found it hard to stop.

   I tend to confirm I images by latching on to any speck of evidence that supports my suspicions and ignore or misinterpret any evidence to the contrary. I'm ever watchful and may look around for signs of a threat, or it's just the fact that I misinterpret EVERYTHING. It's something so debilitating because here I am trying to figure out my whole life while just trying to ignore all my delusions, so hurting, so painfully THERE, I cant help but think the worst sometimes.

   It's absolutely frightening what my head comes up with.

   There are so many other things out there that are more important than this but people cant seem to carry on with they're own lives, they have to delve into subject that will never, or at least not in a LONG time, be resolved; I'm saying other things are important than this because people sometimes take these things too seriously, religon and moral are a big thing dont get me wrong, but there are way to treat this, there are also other things one has to do, for example, go on with their lives. But like a I said, there are people who build their world and lives based far too much on these things, things they cannot change, maybe because the fact that religion is sometimes so "unchangable" that i's a sort of comfort these people loo for; a change scares some, for people like me, it's a welcome comfort.

   The reason for me writting abou this is that there has been a question I've been reading on my way to school, I say this because it's posted on a bulletin board on my way to my office, it asks "Should morals and religion be taught in the classroom?" and whats my answer you might ask, Morals = YES, Religion =Not as much. Theres a problem is this (and all countries) when people cannot distinguish the difference between morals and religion, one and the other might meld well together but aren't necessarily the same thing. It's strange how you can teach Morals without religion but you cant teach religion without morals.

   Obviously what pops into everyones head here is that if your going to teach morals in the classroom you're gonna have to throw in a few paragraphs from the Bible, why would you do that??? It's perfectly fine to to use Christ as an EXAMPLE, hell, you can use any religious figure for all I care as long you don't use him only, of course, I am one that doesn't mind hearing a bout any specific religion in class, after all I'm note religious at all and do not feel comfortable talking about it or experience people practicing what they believe in, I do feel it's incorrect to make a habit of referencing religious characters in any kind of moral study. Are these religious figures THE ONLY moral moral human beings that have existed (or have been created if you want)? Is there anyone out there that is an atheist but live morally? Of course there is, there has to be, demographically it's IMPOSSIBLE that this person does not exist.

   What I also think is that people tend to exaggerate too much on these kinds of subject, people nowadays if they see a person talking about their religion they feel like they[re being pressured to join, you cant give an opinion because it might be more based on religion than fact, if you believe in God it doesn't mean that you've been living a lie, at one point in time EVERYONE in the world believed in some sort of deity, so it's far from wrong. Now, that doesn't mean that being an atheist is completely wrong, I do have to admit it's a very comfortable way to go through every day but it's not really wrong, I think it's very practical, you go through your life living each day not worrying about whether that gum you stuck under the table or that lusty look you gave to that girl on the bus stop is going to be your ticket to hell.

   Religion should be used only as an example not as a strict "yes/no", "right/left", "you are wrong and I am right" subject, the problem is there are too many religions in this world that, regardless of their differences, basically they are the same, certain morals might be considered universal like helping your fellow man, the less fortunate, and these things aren't necessarily christain, they existed before anyone decided to write a book as influential as the Bible, there was just this guy who was smart enough to coin them as commandments. I say keep morals in class and bring in religion once in a while, but in way the shows that most religions have these same morals, might make a more interesting class that way.

   Jealousy is a strange thing, it can drive to achieve what you need or it can drive you completely mad, even simple things, small confessions suddenly known that really have no value or worth are felt almost as stabs, one cannot help to be envious of a person who has the ability to do or see what one cannot. When I read the words I felt slapped, but not by her but by my own feelings, I later looked at the person and tried to figure out why and how she would think of him like that, what made to interesting, attractive, what does he have that I dont, 'cus even if I dont like to admit it every day of at least one semester she did what she could to be in his class

   These are my own demons, my own envy, my won jealousy, I cant help but sometimes hate those people that can see her every single day and take her for granted, I've never done so and I've convinced myself never to do that and that's exactly what makes me so angry, I cant go a single day without wishing, praying, asking for an opportunity to be with her and there's all these group of people around her that just cant see what I see in her, I see so much and I miss it all.

   So I live with my envy, my jealous towards all those people around her, with my constant necessity to be near her, kiss her, hold her, anything but with her, I live with it because it is my choice.
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"AND DEATH SHALL HAVE NO DOMINION"

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon;
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot;
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;
Though lovers be lost love shall not;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
Under the windings of the sea
They lying long shall not die windily;
Twisting on racks when sinews give way,
Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;
Faith in their hands shall snap in two,
And the unicorn evils run them through;
Split all ends up they shan't crack;
And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.
No more may gulls cry at their ears
Or waves break loud on the seashores;
Where blew a flower may a flower no more
Lift its head to the blows of the rain;
Though they be mad and dead as nails,
Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;
Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,
And death shall have no dominion.

                                 Dylan Thomas

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   So it's the freaking New Year, although I'm posting a bit late concerning this subject I still have something to say about this.

   Lets just say the New Year has never had that much appeal to me, it really just is another just made important because someone decided to invent the calendar not because something important happened on this date. For many it's a way to start changing the way they are, they come up with new years resolutions to change themselves just because they're not satisfied with themselves; if you didn't do all those things during the OTHER 364 days of the last year you're most likely not going to do them this time around.

   I still celebrate though, if I didn't I would crap up the celebration with my family and we do all the rituals (that were strangely lacking this year) like going out with some luggage, sweeping stuff out the door, eating 12 grapes for every wish at every strike of the clock at midnight (that is actually very hard, try to eat a grape every second AND coming up for a wish for the next year), the red or yellow underwear (for love or money respectively) among others, so with all this luggage hauling new years eve because somewhat entertaining, yet I still have not found a good enough reason to celebrate if I were by myself.

   It's just another day, like starting a new week, or a new month, who celebrates the start of Feburary? Who knows, that's just my take on it.

   New Yea's Eve is overrated.
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