Common Sense

   I'm an irrational person, at least I've been told, and this does not bother me at all. I've actually been called that before.

   I am irrational, my behavior is based more on feelings, hopes, hunches and guesses than rationale. I keep thinking that things will get better just because, well, they will, I don't give myself a specific reason. I say to myself "It's how nature works," "It's how it should be," "It's how love should be."

But there are moments where I can help but reflect and realize how illogically I acted, don't get me wrong, most of my actions defy logic most of the times, not that I can defy physics, It's just that sometimes I like to do things unconventionality, for the. sake of saving my sanity from the daily routine.

   Here's Jose trying to write backwards, or my strange habit of keeping a journal and the way I write. My job isn't all that "normal" either.

   So there I was, the words "I think I can, I think I can" going on and on in my head just to survive another day, the little bottle of pills rattling in my pocket, just believing that the day wil comel, no, not the day, but something larger, something that'll last more than a day, where the needs of everyone around me, including mine, will be met. I'm not talking about luxuries, I'm talking about the basic needs of a person, of a man, of a couple.

   I recently confirmed how right I was, yet it's something I cannot say because I still don't feel justified, still I know I did what I needed to do and even though I'm in the exact same situation as before at least now I'm not embarrassed or saddened by the fact of being shot down because I EXPECT to be shot down. It's much easier to accept rejection when you feel you don't deserve something instead of when you feel you do.

   That was probably my problem, I felt I deserved it, why? Because long periods of time (VERY LONG) went by and yet I really believed that people thought it was a walk on the park; that Missouri was a simple excursion what with the opportunities I was offered (or at least hinted on, Comprenez-vous? non?.) I thought that was the trial of fire I had to go through in order to prove that I was capable of much more, that I deserved at least a chance to turn my needs into something incredible for both of us, not a favor.

   I put away so much of my common sense, but I don't mind, I had the time of my life. It's just a shame that something so basic, so bestial, was what tore me apart.

   Eventually, I know our hands will drift apart.

"I tried my best to leave this all on your machine
but the persistent beat it sounded
thin upon listening and
that frankly will not fly. You will hear
the shrillest highs and lowest lows with
the windows down when this is guiding you home."

   I'm "emo" again.