"As I went up Solsbury Hill I could see the city lights.
Wind was blowing but I stood still.
An eagle flew out on the night.
He was something to observe,
but coming close I heard a voice.
Standing stretching every nerve, I had to listen had no choice.
I did not believe the information
just had to trust imagination,
my heart going BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!!!
"Son," he said, "grab you're things I've come to take you home."
It happens in the most inopportune moments, the instant you need it the least but want it the most. A call is made and voice not recognized until a instant later, until asked, "Can't you recognized who I am?" I stutter before saying the voice's name and I was right.
I had been left alone the night before one invitation denied another invitation ignored, now I was finding myself running to an event I already in years past, same feet, same girl, different time and different dance.
Scared shitless she is someone I can easily counter when I have someone by my side but finding myself as I am now I cannot help but react differently. This person will always be what she is, my oldest of lovers, the one with whom I learned, for the first time, the my feelings can mean something and that I can receive something in return.
Her family still loves me and often asks her about me, what am I doing and where I am, am I single and, if I am, why don't you and him get back together again. I don't think either of us is looking for that right now, I know I'm not. Her family sees me, her mother specially, and every time tells me how sorry she is that our relationship didn't work out because she had the best of hopes for us and that no one she's been with since me has never given her such a good feeling. I don't know why in all but one of my relationships the parents end up caring for me more than the daughter.
Information was gathered by a third party; she had broken up with her man a few days ago. Why were they telling me this? I didn't want to know who else besides her parents wanted us back together. I don't want something stable right now but if I do start one I want the most chaotic, difficult and unbalanced relationship so I can easily finish it when I leave, no remorse, no hard feelings because the hard feelings were already there. I don't want to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.
At the end nothing happened, nothing I wanted at least. We went out in a group and she says me "You see him, the one with the pony tail?" "Yeah." I said. "I like him." I didn't speak to her the rest of the night at the night club, she was close by, only a couple of steps in front of me but she had put up her wall. The music of the place, the cost of a simple lager, the people that congregate there made my feelings stronger towards why I don't enjoy those places. Give me a dive bar and I am a happy man.
We all went to my house for drinks, she did not ride with me like she had all day, I drove home by myself changing the cd she had put in my stereo with something that fit the moment (damn you Sam Beam and Bread Stealing Bird.)
All the songs were from our time, It's amazing how one musician has spanned so much of my life, her songs are defined just everyone else's that have passed through me.; pictures lost from a week at the beach; snippets of thought I thought had already forgotten; weary memories I hadn't realized I still liked to keep with me.
My head always did betray me.
They left and I was left alone at 4 in the morning to clean up the mess and pick up what was left of my pride, which was not much to start with If I was willing to have something from the beginning. AS I was walking upstairs the title for this post came to mind as I was going through everything in my head again and I told myself "I cant believe she's the oldest of your lovers." I was too tired and drunk to write last night, I'm having trouble writing this morning, my head is heavy and hurting but my pills will take of that... prescriptions.
I feel like shit.
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