Should I be fighting this temptation or should I just stand firm with the decision I've made?

What would happen? When is it too late?

I try to figure out the reasons why I did this in the first place; the reasons I tell myself, the ones that convinced me and now I'm not so sure. I don't think I ever was, at least for most of them.

There is one reason though that has not faltered in this short time and that is the fact that I'm leaving. Either I'm convinced that I'm not strong enough to wait anymore, or that I'll fall prey to whatever first opportunity I'll have when I'm gone and by myself. God knows as much as I do that It would've been impossible for me to say no.

I rewind the cassette player in my head (yes, I'm that old fashioned) and replay certain scenes from the last few months. I jump from moment to moment, always going from a specific instant and from there remembering details until it forms the larger picture in which that moment is framed.

There's one unfortunate moment that's stuck too my head like a scrambled egg that gets messed up when you try to pass it to the plate. What she said when I mentioned that there's a chance of me leaving again and that I wanted her to come a long with me to live, what she said that night made my mouth close and I said little else the rest of our short time in that bar.

I took her home and immediately went to mine, I barely said goodbye.

Later that night I had one of my many fits of insomnia. I didn't sleep that night, I had mixed feelings of anger, doubt, frustration, and loneliness.

I "woke up" the next day and it was all a haze, I don't remember if I saw her that day or if I just stayed home what with the mood I was in. Burning questions in my head that just wouldn't let themselves be put out; these burning questions that left that scar. How many years had passed and still there were secrets, fears, doubts?

She feared me.

She doubted me.

She kept these secret from me.

All it took was for me to ask you to come along with, to at least consider it. She said it was "creepy."

I believe then they were normal fears and doubts, I probably hadn't given her enough for her to believe that something like this was possible; she probably trusted me enough to let me go and me apart for so long yet did not trust me enough for us to be able to live together. That's the irony of things, we were apart because we had no choice, when the choice was granted and the opportunity at hand the fears set in and grew roots, I was left alone, lying in my bed thinking just one question, "why?"

I wasn't the same after that, I was slowly changing and convincing myself, day by day, the darker side of my heart just saying, "it's time to move on." You can only ignore that voice for so long.

I cried that night because I had never loved anyone so much for this long and in this ironic way have it explode in my face, I had never loved anyone so much and yet feel so untrusted. I blame this all on me though; I probably only thought I was doing all the good for her, I was probably never doing quite enough.

So I insist...

"Did I do all that I should; that I could've done."

After that it was me that was scared and weak; after that, I don't know, I just felt I couldn't do much else. The extent of my actions would not be enough to satisfy a couple's life, so I might as well satisfy my own. Also to try in acknowledge what I'm capable of giving to another person, to reestablish that sincerity with what I actually have and what I can truly give; what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I expect to receive.

There's a difference between believing you should receive something and actually deserving it. I probably did not deserve than what I was given; I probably gave just as much.

It's true on notices his mistakes after the fact, after the years; after everything has changes; after HE has changes, that is when one decides to regret and learn or forget and falter again.

I'm regretting and learning.

We will both move on, there's no doubt inside of that, whether she moves on first or I it doesn't matter, this is not a race. As long as we can both look back at this and smile saying to one another "Those were 3 of the best years of my life."

They were. They'll always be, and even if she cant carry the memories along with her I know I can; I know I'll still have memories hanging on my walls; on my notebooks and inside of me.

I am so sorry; I can never be sorry enough.

Cheers.