"Yes theres love if you wan't it...
... don't sound like a sonnet, my love"

"... I stop to say hello 'cus I think
you should know, by now..."

The Verve

So I write in this journal, just because I don't have the balls to even write her, damn, It's too strange, how can I feel such a connection with someone I barely met? She has lieved so much, seen even more, experienced the world, she's done things out of this world, and this way I'm left way behind, having so little to actually compare with what she's acomplished, does she really seek a sort of "tranquility" that I can give... I don't know, I'll probably will in a couple of days.

I'm scared, I actually am, anticipation for going home never grew this big in so long, I know she's something else, the problem is that I'm just something too common... I have still to know waht she sees in me.

The truth is that I havent been as direct to anyone as I have been with her, still, I don't exactly know what I've actually said, I wrote constantly, almost pathologically, what I write basically rapeats itself over and over again, but only I know that, other people only see a different rhyme. Though she says she like ambiguity... she's probably not getting the message, I don't know.

I'm just losing it again, and again, and again.

For someone who's that far away.

Keep quiet and just breath a new life
into me, thru a kiss or an embrace,
I'd love to have you face to face.

Turn to a lighter page, life doesn't follow
a steady pace, the rocks and boulders block
the roads to find that definite resting place.

not death or solitude, just complete peacefulnes
and room for just me and you, where I'd love to
play beneath you...

... and leave it all up to you...

"THE LIGHTS FALL"

A walking distance from home, you're just
stones throw as close.
And it converts me into a true believer,
now that I have so little to endure.

Life was good and life was grand while I
was at your side.
Life was good and now I hope you'll won't
slip thru my hands.

Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall,
just so we could dance by ourselves in the dark.
Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall
just so I could tell the truth and leave the lies behind.

Giving up on those ancient memories that dragged
me down close to a razor.
And the weight that you lift is what makes me move,
and theres nothing even death can do.

Swearing that I'll never give in to my
loneliness.
It's the feeling so soft that you give and
the words that you nring to me...

...it's the feeling I wish to see...

Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall,
just so we could dance by ourselves in the dark.
Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall
just so I could tell the truth and leave the lies behind.

Life was good and life was grand while you were
showing me your world.
Life was good and nothing can change my
world.

Things are strange, nothing to feel bad about, yet, just the same to feel good about, feeling so out of place here I can't even put my feelings into order, really wanting to do one thing and that is leave this city behind. Funny, people have complained to me, they say I've got what most want, hmm, those people just don't understand, why do people think that the one that goes away is the one that's haveing the time if his life?

The truth is, the one that leaves starts from zero, although that's something I WISH to do now, I really didn't back then, so I started a new life and ended up rejecting most of it, this place is not for, I am not built for a place like this, the people, the places, too crowded, too much of too much, I don't like it, you can t take a break without being shot thru a cannon of whatever crap is out on the street and you ended up more stressed out than when you left home.

I'm going home in a couple of weeks, to see friends, family and hopefully her, It's easy for me to say that I'm exceited about seeing her, the few people that know me here notice that, it's actually easy to see, I walk around so lightheartedly, not a care in the world, just the wait until then troubles me... It's just another two weeks, I've been waiting like this for four years, I'm used to it, nothing new for me.

Yet I'm not enjoying myself right now, if I could maybe open up a little bit more, try her once more, tell her this I feel maybe I wouldn't feel as preassured, I just really need to get outta here, I just really need to see someone like her right now.

"CHANGE ME"

We'll tell the story os two strangers who kissed
and left in they're obligated hurry, running into
people and cars having only that kiss in they're mind.

Missing that feeling of having just met, that angel that
came down.

So fill my soul and cleanse my mind, for the road
ahead to see you is long... remind me thre is time,
remind me that I can change.

I'll carry this human pain, a reason for me to sya,
someday I'll change...

...change me...

When things already are, somethings might resemble
something else, a possibility turned into somthing grander.

Convince me that I can fly and I can catch up with you
in mid flight, with brand new wings you give me something better
than just the sight...

... of your body on my bedside, of my dreams where I smile.

Try something better than believing, try expereancing...

I sleep for habit, for If I could I would give my moons
just so I could sleep with you.

Habit forming paranoia, tonight might be the night
I take flight, or I just might find a worse fate, far away from
my utopia.

I miss you, I want to see you, tomorrow, or better, the day
before.

I don't want to break down, I don't want to die, not until
I know how she tastes like... afterwards we'll enjoy our sweet
company.

I think I believe this might be sweet for me,
your beautiful face adn your sweet sweet kiss.

I enjoy your conversation, a higher inspiration,
you give me certain motivation.

Are you afraid? If so just tell me your name,
remember that you're not alone and that you have
this lonely friend.

All this time and all this I find, before things fall
apart, I want you to know, that there was nothing
I wouldn't try.

So change the color and change some plans,
things miight come sooner than we think.
Build a possibility, put out something less filthy,
think of me in some cleaner way.

Are you scared? Please bealieve me when I say that
I car, you take this heart of mine, and twist it around
and you give me a new name.

Thw week passed on pretty quickly, late night conversations and remembering past ones, made these days worth while. We've talked some, she's been incredibly busy at school, among other accidents, but still she let's me talk to her once in a while, things like that make my day.

Just feels good.

"WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE"

Brazen is love's redeemer
When you have so far to go
It loves the true believer
For the innocence they own.

Life is good Life is grand
When you're sittin' on top of the world
Life is good when it's in your hands your hands
And nobody can change your world.

I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting.

All my prize possessions
That I thought I needed so
Dragged me down on a razor
With a heaviness they tow
always searching for a love that's in bloom
it's a warm and soft embrace
Hoping you'll never be lonely again
It's a fear that you just can't face.

I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting.

Life is good and life is grand
When you're sitting on top of the world
Life is good when it's in your hands your hands
And nobody can change your world.

I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting.

I'm just waiting, I'm just waiting,
I'm just waiting, I'm just waiting.

Tonic

"... friendly conversation..."

...i would give up my entire lifetime to be someone
who just passes him on the sidewalk...

... i would run in a heartbeat....but what makes it
feel right to me is the way HE is going about
it..making sure it is done right and in respect
towards all the things it will effect.

Courtney Rhea Mcraney

"WONDERFUL PAIN"

Where is this girl for whom I twist and turn?
Far away from certain space, I'll give in so much
just to se her face.

Until I fainally regain this promise made, finding
myself under a poring rain, acompaning me
with this wonderful pain.

Wonder and delight, where have I left this fright?
far behind and late last night, granted after
a kiss lit byt the pale moonlight.

Until I finally regain your pressence here, finding
myself falling like this again, underneath it all and
next to this wonderful pain.

Until I finally regain a past as far as lost, finding
my way back thanks to the rain, that washes over me
and this wonderful pain.

Pitch black dreams filled my crowded head,
as black as they may be I'd still
find a place,
somwhere.

Filling that space
with the nonsense that
fills my head.

Reorganize mu thoughts, give me
another place to talk about.

My wish, this dream, it takes me far away from this,
I'll share my thoughts to them as long as they tell, instead
of letting them
fill my head.

... I miss you... I trust you...

... I feel I have all my life to get to know you...

... miss me... trust me...

... feel that we've been actually waiting
for something good.

Leave me exhausted by your side, if I'm alowed I'll give
you as much as I can, as much as it matters, as much
as I can give, I'll try to please, try to ease as much of
your pain.

In your place, your own small piece of the world, I'll share
my own world piece of this world, to put them together
and build our own little wolrd.

A possibility built in your shape, you walk down and pass
my way, thinking of something we could play.

Take it all, theres nothing here I fear to lose, whatever
you can carry is yours, carry me, 'cus I'm already yours.

I think I believe this might be sweet for me, your beautiful face and your sweet, sweet kiss. I enjoy your conversation, a higher inspiration, you give me a certain motivation.

Are you afraid? If so just tell me your name,
remember that you're not alone and that you have
this lonely friend.

All this time and all this that I find, before things fall
apart, I wan't you to know, that there was nothing
I wouldn't try.

So change the color and change some plans,
thing might come sooner than we think. Build a possibility,
put out something less filthy, think of me in some better way.

Are you scared ? Please believe me when I say I care,
you take this heart of mine, you twist it around and give me
a better face.

Good news today... I got a job!!!!

Teaching english... I'm gonna have myown bitchy students =P

"RANDOM THOUGHTS THRU MY HEAD"

Some higher concern, of pennyless work and a heart oriented sojourn. Working myself up to her sight instead of ignoring the world and closing myself tight.

She says it all, embodies just as much, she's exactly what I've been yearning for.

-o-

She finally said it, a couple of days ago,
in her particular way to say, a sort of hit and run,
"te quiero..." the she logged off.

Things brighten all of a sudden and I start to look everytnight I find her inside,
someday soon we'll be side by side.

Sharing a little bit of this disorder,
she and I think we could be something better
than this perfect thing.

Someday soon, we'll walk side by side...

-o-

My thoughts revolve around her from the instant
the kiss was made, understanding most of it,
her lips were all I could see.

To sleep tonight and share this moonlit night,
somewhere as far away as I'm alowed, just to know
what it is to sleep tight.

Taking things as they come, I've actually learned to just let those thing that don't concern me pass, I'm thru taking care of other people's emotional problems, and It's about time I take care of mine, at least for a while... I need some "Me" time =D

The best moments of my day come out of the house, that's the main reason I'm looking for a job, another is to get enough money for me to leave for Spain and stay there a couple or weeks, probably more, I don't know, as long as I'm outta the house I feel fine. Home stress and the daily rutine sucks the life and spark outta you.

So I think I'll post later on when I can get all my thought into one clear idea, until I have something good to write...

Cheers

Quote of the day:

"Fighting for peace is like Screwing for Virginity"

I read it somewhere on another blog, I have no idea who's the author.

A smile apreciated for once, written words are all that's left after the distance settles in between us. Ina crowded way I look for new things for me to say and ways to stay by a Grace's side.

It's alway in someone's eyes, the
tireness of life,
a depression lifted only once in a while.

Complaining of car, traffic and old
unhealed scars,
injuries caused in a lonely fought war.

Streets still deveoured, if we didn't have names,
who would we be? Would we have still encountered?

I'm in no position to ask, but if you'll answer to
someone else then I'll wear they're mask.
I'll ust remember what you said today, in a groggy
morning surprise, you even asked me why.

Soon things will become just a little better, just talked to her again a earlier this afternoon and that cheered me up a lot, It was nice to see what she wrote in her last email and to have decent conversation with her again, I'ts always good to know from her.

The truth is, and it's pretty evident from what I write here, that I've been thinking a lot about her lately, just like she has, which is a nice pick-me-upper, kinda made my whole weekend her email and call.

"BREAK MY FALL"
(New Fall)

Falling without any grond bellow my feet,
I'll see you again and I admit that the rest is just gone,
walking from a self imposed dream, my life and my wish
again become one.

No need for a parachute or anything, if you're not there
to catch me I'm not worth catching at all.

Then if things just don't come along, I'll
just jump again for a new fall, just to hope that in one of those
you'll be there to break my fall.

Patience is a trait I carry around my head,
I can wait on the cliffside for another day, or you can just
jump with me instead.

Catching that small explosion of laughter you give,
a sweetened flashback of things before, and a memory
that came.

Then if things just don't fit together, I'll jump again
for a new fall, just to hope that i one of those you'll
be tehre to break my fall.

My smile apreciated for once, written words
are all that's left after the distance settles in
between us.

In a crowded way I look for new things for me to say
and ways to stay by Grace's side.

-o-

Ahhh, bloody sundays, who enjoys them?? I'm here sitting at home really just waiting for today to turn into tomorrow, I'm probably one of the very few people that prefer mondays over sundays, It's just the constant thought of "God, tomorrow I have togo back to work/school/whatever, damn!" Oh hell, life, right??

Take the What Color Dragon Should You Ride? Quiz

Made By: myway and teza

Take the Which Breakfast Food Are You? Quiz.


I love Pop tarts.

It's complicated to keep you for myself,
if I talk of you as much it's because you are desired,
from simple kisses and conversation to the feeling
of the like that destroyed empires.

For if castles crumble at the sight of a couple,
the pairness of love, no wonder our world crumbles.

So I take this change, just praying
for another day, to say things to blunt
and were left unspoken, to maybe feel again,
travel the skies and leave me again broken.

I'm willing to fly with you... are you?

So thing ARE looking up, been feeling much better, just needed to be by myself really, something that's incredibly complicated to do while you live with your parents, but well, I managed to get all that "me" time yesterday afternoon, everyone went out to celebrate Valentine's Day, while I stayed home and relaxed, God I needed that.

Other people helped as well, somewhat, whatever they could do from a distance, they're help is always much apreciated, Courtney for just going thru the exact same thing as me and being ther for a nice conversation, Daniela for just being as sincere as she is, and Isaín, blunt, hard to understand, doesn't explein shit, but he's there, thanks guys.

Who knows? I'm also been actually smiling and for real, just passing time, remembering some things from this last winter break, damn time is going by so fast, already in mid Feburary and I havent found a job, need to give me a nice ass wooping to pick up the pace.

Red: 8/100 Blue: 16/100 White: 14/100 Yellow: 7/100

Take the Color Code Test
by Dano

At least the weekends here, there'll be time for me to hang around some places I feel comfortable, corweded still by myself, do some real writing, pen in hand, notebook over table, some sort of caffenated or caffeine rich drink beside it, something good. Feels good to be alive right now, and I'll quote myself from a few months back:

"Here's to having a pulse!!!"

Just to get my motor going, I'm off for now, probably gonna post later today, cheers to all of you guys.

Bitchin' =D

So down today, all day thinking about her now, and tired of doing the same shit everyday... things should be looking up by now... they really should.

Oh damn, I think I'm in trouble, I think I'm falling in love again...

Strange, we talked last night and it was good, finally could just vent out and laugh about some things that were on my mind, we both agreed that it was good we talked, that it was about time we heard each other's voices, just for the fun of it all, cheered my day right up, my week as a matter of fact.

No today we talked thru messenger, for a few seconds, enough for me just to smile a bit longer, I had been thinking about her a lot this past week, even more since last night, I wrote like three poems just last night and this morning, felt pretty god about them, I thikn they're decent. Now when we caught up with eachother today she said something right before she left, something she does regularly, just leaves me hanging almost without a chance to reply "...I thought a lot about you today, I just wanted you to know that...", that impressed me, a smile appeared on my face again, feels good to hear people say those kinds of things, It's about time I start hearing them more, she just lit the fuse.

So basically just another day, actually complained about only one thing today, the fact that I'm writting much more on this blog than I am on my actual, real life, journal, pretty sad really, it feels nice when you finish a whole notebook.

So that's why I'll cut it short today, need time to do some real writting, need tonight just to chill out and inspire myself with my music, cheers to all that have come in and read my trash, I never thank you guys.

"SHOOTING STAR"

In the shape she walks along, moving on she can lose interestm still she sees it all. Southern girl by heart, she likes to see the world from so very high.

That's when she let's go and falls to the ground, but while she falls she ressembles a shooting star, one I decided to catch. I'll run by her side until I run out of breath, then I'll catch up with her again.

In the shape she sleeps to dream, images I give myself, imagination is let lose in dreams, a dram shared by two, only to see each other and see what comes along.

That's when I change the pictures on my wall, but while the fall they ressemble a shooting star of memories I've let go. I'll run by her side until we run out of breath, then I'll pick her up and take her home.

...It's not everyday you catch a shooting star, I'll just try to keep it for my own.

"ONCE AGAIN"

Waking up to the memory of last
nights event, a smile painted on my face,
in an instant the whole world changed.

... once again.

The thought of a dance and the world
spinning around us for a change, giving every
step a name, you and I give this world a
different name.

...once again.

Once again I was in the way of every stone
I left behind, they still raise they're head
and think It's about time that I fall dead
for my own crime.

So shutting my eyes for another rainy
nights dream, I lay awake and I wonder, why
am I out of place?, why can't that be me?

... once again.

Once again I was on my way back home,
running against all these stones that I threw,
who still think It's about time that I fall dead
for my own crime.

I really came looking for home, you just happened to be there all along, doing nothing 'cus you only had an image of me from far away dance and me being my lonesome self.

Thinking of an impossible event,
other than myself.

So the streets and rains erased each others names, years had to pass for circumstances to collapse, to meet up again, introduced for a second time, and something cilcked inside.

Imagining an impossible event,
to change life,
something other than being left behind.

Writting on threads thinner than life,
all I can do is wait and wish that this time I do it right.

Keep holding down on my heart,
ignore the preassure,
you do more good than you can ever imagine.

Let's talk about things already said, you havent broken my mind bu are still just holding it instead. Because you are holding down so strong on me, you knew how to push and you found out that you didn't need to push me at all.

Wake me up tonight, tell me your looking for me one more taime, tell me that you and I might might enjoy this night.

Thunder strikes near by, my room is for a wink lit up, demosn scurrying away, they still live under my bed waiting for me to start conversation again and fall into they're demented games again.

Wake me up again, tell me It's time to leave for another place, tell me things are just fine and that I've found my place.

So I'll pick up the spoils left underneath the ground, the rain falling down clears my sight and washes my eyes, It paints a road I'll follow down, until I get to that place, that you will show.

Just wake me up when we get there, and show me around, walk me up and down this suburb and prove to me that this world is trully round.
Just wake me up when we get there adn after a long day, just lay me down to rest.

So I sit around and complain all day,
it's easy to do if you've have nothing better to do.

None of my inspiration is left, it all stayed
behind, 'cus it found a much warmer embrace.

So I spin around to see this place in a
different way, clouds swirling around turning
into a grayer sky.

Something like a consolation is left, praised by
my pressence I keep this price and what is meant.

"LET HER..."

Let the rain
fall on her.
Let the words
speak up and reassure.
Let her be
what she needs to be.
And let her
cry for questions why.
Let her go
and find her way.
Let her try
and find her day.
Too much time
is far too long.
Just quiet
the words and let
her go.

Written May 9/1999

This motivation I've been giving myself has been good, the thought of knowing this whole new world to me, so ancient for those who know it well, I wish to be there (I will be there). This that she has offered me, an opportunity that she's put on the table, and this, by itself, what she represents. This trip to Spain, exactly what I need now, another taste of a distinct air that I wish to breat... the old continent, that ancient world, the one I want turned into my own home.

...and it'll be...

This new inspiration has her own name, being of flesh and bones, it's what she is and it's the impression that she has given me, this image she has given me. She is Grace, and evrytime I find her she captivates this broken heart, there is no fear in me whan I say that there is little left she can do, for me to fall in love

So I bad mouth my stay, my supposed home
in this picture perfect place. Until somone els comes
along and makes a cloudy day into a monumental event.

Remember what was then said, what I paid,
and that kiss that gave my departure the sweetest taste.

A kiss goodbye...

If I misinterpret the words, of a colder hello
then everything is understood, I laredy did what
I could to change your world.

She opens up my imagination, her image goes
dancing thru my head.

Promising a comfortable stay, she even asks
me if these possibilities could ever change,
to see the same roof while we sleep, wishing
for something like this next time we meet.

She opens up my inspiration while her image
goes pranging thru my head.

Bleeding another unstable heart, she whispers
to my eyes of things unspoken and unheard,
just so not to break a flight, that might find us
in the same comofortable spot.

"CRAZYNESS TEST RESULTS"
(or something like that)

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

"BE THERE"

A promise made is a word made diviven,
brought up higher than heaven,
giving the soul a sort of expectation.

Se we talk now and talk of trips that might come,
and I promise you, I'll be there somehow.

You light up a soul that turned itself off to the
outside world, heaven might not let us stay,
but God long ago got locked away.

So we plan of roads to some day walk upon,
comparing the worlds, finding better words,
to describe your pressence underneath,
I'll promise you, I'll be there somehow.

"Turn My Head"

Anyone, caught in you mystery
keep it angry,
keep it whispy.
I've fallen down
drunk on your juices.

Turn my head,
turn my head
it's aimed at you.

Funky temple,
your dress is torn to shreds,
your eyes are crazy,
I bowed to save my head and
I can't forget you
but I can't remember.

Turn my head,
turn my head
it's aimed at you.

Oh no,
we came to love you all day
these bastards are leaving,
somebody's go to stay,
whatever we called you
it's just a name
just a name.

LIVE

How can I do this to myself again, for someone as far away as her, could she believe in the resolute urgency of what is NOW? What I look for in someone I have found back home, never have I been dissapointed in my returns to that cold, gray beautiful desert plane, for she enjoys the the coudy weather as much as I, as rainy and cold as It can get, we enjoy the melancholic picture of cold grey days.

And of those so very few that came before, she pushes a little bit harder, to go and do things I'm not acostumed to do, and with that fly to some far away place, to spend time, to talk about things that trigger our minds, It can be comfortable, the way I'm used to things, I'm good at them this way.

She's something else though, you couldn't if you saw her, no, not until I talked to her, how excited I am about meeting a girl like that, she's just something else.

Walking again to a farther possibility, things fall into place yet I'm still grounded
in these streets. Falling behind what I want, what I've been offered and what
I intend to understand.

So I find something else as special, I saw it from the start in that cold wait
outside, introduced for a second time, a past so far behind I couldn't remember
that previous line.

And so I pray for a succesful trip, flying above the world, things tend to fall down
from such a distance above.
So I look for a higher Grace, but just realized that God got locked away.


Going off from her tongue, lips as sweet, only a second kiss was done, leaving
the taste of a somewhat closer future that may come, or might leve me behind,
either way, I'm not falling without a fight.

"SO MUCH SPACE"

And here you have me, trying to sum up a feeling that I dont believe, in a place so somber, that colors run away to find something better. The shadows walk at my pace, they tell me of wicked stories and of those far away people, they steal my soul and in return I recieve they're indiference.

I can run but I still cannot find so much space to go thru, I have not been able to place those places that hide the shadows while they sleep.

Look, for I can find every kind of tale I tell and I become one more of those that fall and restart- So keep all the lights on, in this much space I cant see in the dark, images blur and look like written lies.

But I go on writting, filling my pages with constant lies inspired by words that fall from a cloudy sky. And so I begin to see so much space that I have here, I better make use of it to build, with so much space my confidence I can give, with so much space.

"What will become of me when I'm all poured out..."

David J. Matthews