I've got everything right now, yet I'm missing something, getting out if this place would be just fine, leaving acompanied would be grand. I'm not sure of what is going on, turning and turning all around, all these things have changed from last night, last night I could still understand.

So if i started missing you from the second you left my sight, the rain blurring my sight al I could do there was slip and fall, hurt myself once again.

I've got everything right now, yet I'm missing something...

Another chance of a lifetime, another chance to get away from all of this, strange how some things can just fix themselves.

It's been a while, I know, things have happened, there is too much to talk about, and I've written so much It's about time I got back on track.

I discovered that the love I so much hoped for both turned and let me down, who knows, some women act strngely different when they know they have someone in the palm of their hands, she just didn't count that I wasn't willing to take any shit from no one, so the shit she gave me, I gave back.

After coming back home, I discovered another thing, an old friend, one I've known from the moment I came to Guadalajara, she is now something grander, we are something better, how could I have been so blind? I don't know, but well, better late than never, at least that worked for this situation.

Trying to make this work again...

"Yes theres love if you wan't it...
... don't sound like a sonnet, my love"

"... I stop to say hello 'cus I think
you should know, by now..."

The Verve

So I write in this journal, just because I don't have the balls to even write her, damn, It's too strange, how can I feel such a connection with someone I barely met? She has lieved so much, seen even more, experienced the world, she's done things out of this world, and this way I'm left way behind, having so little to actually compare with what she's acomplished, does she really seek a sort of "tranquility" that I can give... I don't know, I'll probably will in a couple of days.

I'm scared, I actually am, anticipation for going home never grew this big in so long, I know she's something else, the problem is that I'm just something too common... I have still to know waht she sees in me.

The truth is that I havent been as direct to anyone as I have been with her, still, I don't exactly know what I've actually said, I wrote constantly, almost pathologically, what I write basically rapeats itself over and over again, but only I know that, other people only see a different rhyme. Though she says she like ambiguity... she's probably not getting the message, I don't know.

I'm just losing it again, and again, and again.

For someone who's that far away.

Keep quiet and just breath a new life
into me, thru a kiss or an embrace,
I'd love to have you face to face.

Turn to a lighter page, life doesn't follow
a steady pace, the rocks and boulders block
the roads to find that definite resting place.

not death or solitude, just complete peacefulnes
and room for just me and you, where I'd love to
play beneath you...

... and leave it all up to you...

"THE LIGHTS FALL"

A walking distance from home, you're just
stones throw as close.
And it converts me into a true believer,
now that I have so little to endure.

Life was good and life was grand while I
was at your side.
Life was good and now I hope you'll won't
slip thru my hands.

Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall,
just so we could dance by ourselves in the dark.
Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall
just so I could tell the truth and leave the lies behind.

Giving up on those ancient memories that dragged
me down close to a razor.
And the weight that you lift is what makes me move,
and theres nothing even death can do.

Swearing that I'll never give in to my
loneliness.
It's the feeling so soft that you give and
the words that you nring to me...

...it's the feeling I wish to see...

Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall,
just so we could dance by ourselves in the dark.
Now I'm only waiting for the lights to fall
just so I could tell the truth and leave the lies behind.

Life was good and life was grand while you were
showing me your world.
Life was good and nothing can change my
world.

Things are strange, nothing to feel bad about, yet, just the same to feel good about, feeling so out of place here I can't even put my feelings into order, really wanting to do one thing and that is leave this city behind. Funny, people have complained to me, they say I've got what most want, hmm, those people just don't understand, why do people think that the one that goes away is the one that's haveing the time if his life?

The truth is, the one that leaves starts from zero, although that's something I WISH to do now, I really didn't back then, so I started a new life and ended up rejecting most of it, this place is not for, I am not built for a place like this, the people, the places, too crowded, too much of too much, I don't like it, you can t take a break without being shot thru a cannon of whatever crap is out on the street and you ended up more stressed out than when you left home.

I'm going home in a couple of weeks, to see friends, family and hopefully her, It's easy for me to say that I'm exceited about seeing her, the few people that know me here notice that, it's actually easy to see, I walk around so lightheartedly, not a care in the world, just the wait until then troubles me... It's just another two weeks, I've been waiting like this for four years, I'm used to it, nothing new for me.

Yet I'm not enjoying myself right now, if I could maybe open up a little bit more, try her once more, tell her this I feel maybe I wouldn't feel as preassured, I just really need to get outta here, I just really need to see someone like her right now.

"CHANGE ME"

We'll tell the story os two strangers who kissed
and left in they're obligated hurry, running into
people and cars having only that kiss in they're mind.

Missing that feeling of having just met, that angel that
came down.

So fill my soul and cleanse my mind, for the road
ahead to see you is long... remind me thre is time,
remind me that I can change.

I'll carry this human pain, a reason for me to sya,
someday I'll change...

...change me...

When things already are, somethings might resemble
something else, a possibility turned into somthing grander.

Convince me that I can fly and I can catch up with you
in mid flight, with brand new wings you give me something better
than just the sight...

... of your body on my bedside, of my dreams where I smile.

Try something better than believing, try expereancing...

I sleep for habit, for If I could I would give my moons
just so I could sleep with you.

Habit forming paranoia, tonight might be the night
I take flight, or I just might find a worse fate, far away from
my utopia.

I miss you, I want to see you, tomorrow, or better, the day
before.

I don't want to break down, I don't want to die, not until
I know how she tastes like... afterwards we'll enjoy our sweet
company.

I think I believe this might be sweet for me,
your beautiful face adn your sweet sweet kiss.

I enjoy your conversation, a higher inspiration,
you give me certain motivation.

Are you afraid? If so just tell me your name,
remember that you're not alone and that you have
this lonely friend.

All this time and all this I find, before things fall
apart, I want you to know, that there was nothing
I wouldn't try.

So change the color and change some plans,
things miight come sooner than we think.
Build a possibility, put out something less filthy,
think of me in some cleaner way.

Are you scared? Please bealieve me when I say that
I car, you take this heart of mine, and twist it around
and you give me a new name.

Thw week passed on pretty quickly, late night conversations and remembering past ones, made these days worth while. We've talked some, she's been incredibly busy at school, among other accidents, but still she let's me talk to her once in a while, things like that make my day.

Just feels good.

"WAITING FOR THE LIGHT TO CHANGE"

Brazen is love's redeemer
When you have so far to go
It loves the true believer
For the innocence they own.

Life is good Life is grand
When you're sittin' on top of the world
Life is good when it's in your hands your hands
And nobody can change your world.

I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting.

All my prize possessions
That I thought I needed so
Dragged me down on a razor
With a heaviness they tow
always searching for a love that's in bloom
it's a warm and soft embrace
Hoping you'll never be lonely again
It's a fear that you just can't face.

I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting.

Life is good and life is grand
When you're sitting on top of the world
Life is good when it's in your hands your hands
And nobody can change your world.

I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting for the light to change
I'm just waiting.

I'm just waiting, I'm just waiting,
I'm just waiting, I'm just waiting.

Tonic

"... friendly conversation..."

...i would give up my entire lifetime to be someone
who just passes him on the sidewalk...

... i would run in a heartbeat....but what makes it
feel right to me is the way HE is going about
it..making sure it is done right and in respect
towards all the things it will effect.

Courtney Rhea Mcraney

"WONDERFUL PAIN"

Where is this girl for whom I twist and turn?
Far away from certain space, I'll give in so much
just to se her face.

Until I fainally regain this promise made, finding
myself under a poring rain, acompaning me
with this wonderful pain.

Wonder and delight, where have I left this fright?
far behind and late last night, granted after
a kiss lit byt the pale moonlight.

Until I finally regain your pressence here, finding
myself falling like this again, underneath it all and
next to this wonderful pain.

Until I finally regain a past as far as lost, finding
my way back thanks to the rain, that washes over me
and this wonderful pain.

Pitch black dreams filled my crowded head,
as black as they may be I'd still
find a place,
somwhere.

Filling that space
with the nonsense that
fills my head.

Reorganize mu thoughts, give me
another place to talk about.

My wish, this dream, it takes me far away from this,
I'll share my thoughts to them as long as they tell, instead
of letting them
fill my head.

... I miss you... I trust you...

... I feel I have all my life to get to know you...

... miss me... trust me...

... feel that we've been actually waiting
for something good.

Leave me exhausted by your side, if I'm alowed I'll give
you as much as I can, as much as it matters, as much
as I can give, I'll try to please, try to ease as much of
your pain.

In your place, your own small piece of the world, I'll share
my own world piece of this world, to put them together
and build our own little wolrd.

A possibility built in your shape, you walk down and pass
my way, thinking of something we could play.

Take it all, theres nothing here I fear to lose, whatever
you can carry is yours, carry me, 'cus I'm already yours.

I think I believe this might be sweet for me, your beautiful face and your sweet, sweet kiss. I enjoy your conversation, a higher inspiration, you give me a certain motivation.

Are you afraid? If so just tell me your name,
remember that you're not alone and that you have
this lonely friend.

All this time and all this that I find, before things fall
apart, I wan't you to know, that there was nothing
I wouldn't try.

So change the color and change some plans,
thing might come sooner than we think. Build a possibility,
put out something less filthy, think of me in some better way.

Are you scared ? Please believe me when I say I care,
you take this heart of mine, you twist it around and give me
a better face.

Good news today... I got a job!!!!

Teaching english... I'm gonna have myown bitchy students =P

"RANDOM THOUGHTS THRU MY HEAD"

Some higher concern, of pennyless work and a heart oriented sojourn. Working myself up to her sight instead of ignoring the world and closing myself tight.

She says it all, embodies just as much, she's exactly what I've been yearning for.

-o-

She finally said it, a couple of days ago,
in her particular way to say, a sort of hit and run,
"te quiero..." the she logged off.

Things brighten all of a sudden and I start to look everytnight I find her inside,
someday soon we'll be side by side.

Sharing a little bit of this disorder,
she and I think we could be something better
than this perfect thing.

Someday soon, we'll walk side by side...

-o-

My thoughts revolve around her from the instant
the kiss was made, understanding most of it,
her lips were all I could see.

To sleep tonight and share this moonlit night,
somewhere as far away as I'm alowed, just to know
what it is to sleep tight.

Taking things as they come, I've actually learned to just let those thing that don't concern me pass, I'm thru taking care of other people's emotional problems, and It's about time I take care of mine, at least for a while... I need some "Me" time =D

The best moments of my day come out of the house, that's the main reason I'm looking for a job, another is to get enough money for me to leave for Spain and stay there a couple or weeks, probably more, I don't know, as long as I'm outta the house I feel fine. Home stress and the daily rutine sucks the life and spark outta you.

So I think I'll post later on when I can get all my thought into one clear idea, until I have something good to write...

Cheers

Quote of the day:

"Fighting for peace is like Screwing for Virginity"

I read it somewhere on another blog, I have no idea who's the author.

A smile apreciated for once, written words are all that's left after the distance settles in between us. Ina crowded way I look for new things for me to say and ways to stay by a Grace's side.

It's alway in someone's eyes, the
tireness of life,
a depression lifted only once in a while.

Complaining of car, traffic and old
unhealed scars,
injuries caused in a lonely fought war.

Streets still deveoured, if we didn't have names,
who would we be? Would we have still encountered?

I'm in no position to ask, but if you'll answer to
someone else then I'll wear they're mask.
I'll ust remember what you said today, in a groggy
morning surprise, you even asked me why.

Soon things will become just a little better, just talked to her again a earlier this afternoon and that cheered me up a lot, It was nice to see what she wrote in her last email and to have decent conversation with her again, I'ts always good to know from her.

The truth is, and it's pretty evident from what I write here, that I've been thinking a lot about her lately, just like she has, which is a nice pick-me-upper, kinda made my whole weekend her email and call.

"BREAK MY FALL"
(New Fall)

Falling without any grond bellow my feet,
I'll see you again and I admit that the rest is just gone,
walking from a self imposed dream, my life and my wish
again become one.

No need for a parachute or anything, if you're not there
to catch me I'm not worth catching at all.

Then if things just don't come along, I'll
just jump again for a new fall, just to hope that in one of those
you'll be there to break my fall.

Patience is a trait I carry around my head,
I can wait on the cliffside for another day, or you can just
jump with me instead.

Catching that small explosion of laughter you give,
a sweetened flashback of things before, and a memory
that came.

Then if things just don't fit together, I'll jump again
for a new fall, just to hope that i one of those you'll
be tehre to break my fall.

My smile apreciated for once, written words
are all that's left after the distance settles in
between us.

In a crowded way I look for new things for me to say
and ways to stay by Grace's side.

-o-

Ahhh, bloody sundays, who enjoys them?? I'm here sitting at home really just waiting for today to turn into tomorrow, I'm probably one of the very few people that prefer mondays over sundays, It's just the constant thought of "God, tomorrow I have togo back to work/school/whatever, damn!" Oh hell, life, right??

Take the What Color Dragon Should You Ride? Quiz

Made By: myway and teza

Take the Which Breakfast Food Are You? Quiz.


I love Pop tarts.

It's complicated to keep you for myself,
if I talk of you as much it's because you are desired,
from simple kisses and conversation to the feeling
of the like that destroyed empires.

For if castles crumble at the sight of a couple,
the pairness of love, no wonder our world crumbles.

So I take this change, just praying
for another day, to say things to blunt
and were left unspoken, to maybe feel again,
travel the skies and leave me again broken.

I'm willing to fly with you... are you?

So thing ARE looking up, been feeling much better, just needed to be by myself really, something that's incredibly complicated to do while you live with your parents, but well, I managed to get all that "me" time yesterday afternoon, everyone went out to celebrate Valentine's Day, while I stayed home and relaxed, God I needed that.

Other people helped as well, somewhat, whatever they could do from a distance, they're help is always much apreciated, Courtney for just going thru the exact same thing as me and being ther for a nice conversation, Daniela for just being as sincere as she is, and Isaín, blunt, hard to understand, doesn't explein shit, but he's there, thanks guys.

Who knows? I'm also been actually smiling and for real, just passing time, remembering some things from this last winter break, damn time is going by so fast, already in mid Feburary and I havent found a job, need to give me a nice ass wooping to pick up the pace.

Red: 8/100 Blue: 16/100 White: 14/100 Yellow: 7/100

Take the Color Code Test
by Dano

At least the weekends here, there'll be time for me to hang around some places I feel comfortable, corweded still by myself, do some real writing, pen in hand, notebook over table, some sort of caffenated or caffeine rich drink beside it, something good. Feels good to be alive right now, and I'll quote myself from a few months back:

"Here's to having a pulse!!!"

Just to get my motor going, I'm off for now, probably gonna post later today, cheers to all of you guys.

Bitchin' =D

So down today, all day thinking about her now, and tired of doing the same shit everyday... things should be looking up by now... they really should.

Oh damn, I think I'm in trouble, I think I'm falling in love again...

Strange, we talked last night and it was good, finally could just vent out and laugh about some things that were on my mind, we both agreed that it was good we talked, that it was about time we heard each other's voices, just for the fun of it all, cheered my day right up, my week as a matter of fact.

No today we talked thru messenger, for a few seconds, enough for me just to smile a bit longer, I had been thinking about her a lot this past week, even more since last night, I wrote like three poems just last night and this morning, felt pretty god about them, I thikn they're decent. Now when we caught up with eachother today she said something right before she left, something she does regularly, just leaves me hanging almost without a chance to reply "...I thought a lot about you today, I just wanted you to know that...", that impressed me, a smile appeared on my face again, feels good to hear people say those kinds of things, It's about time I start hearing them more, she just lit the fuse.

So basically just another day, actually complained about only one thing today, the fact that I'm writting much more on this blog than I am on my actual, real life, journal, pretty sad really, it feels nice when you finish a whole notebook.

So that's why I'll cut it short today, need time to do some real writting, need tonight just to chill out and inspire myself with my music, cheers to all that have come in and read my trash, I never thank you guys.

"SHOOTING STAR"

In the shape she walks along, moving on she can lose interestm still she sees it all. Southern girl by heart, she likes to see the world from so very high.

That's when she let's go and falls to the ground, but while she falls she ressembles a shooting star, one I decided to catch. I'll run by her side until I run out of breath, then I'll catch up with her again.

In the shape she sleeps to dream, images I give myself, imagination is let lose in dreams, a dram shared by two, only to see each other and see what comes along.

That's when I change the pictures on my wall, but while the fall they ressemble a shooting star of memories I've let go. I'll run by her side until we run out of breath, then I'll pick her up and take her home.

...It's not everyday you catch a shooting star, I'll just try to keep it for my own.

"ONCE AGAIN"

Waking up to the memory of last
nights event, a smile painted on my face,
in an instant the whole world changed.

... once again.

The thought of a dance and the world
spinning around us for a change, giving every
step a name, you and I give this world a
different name.

...once again.

Once again I was in the way of every stone
I left behind, they still raise they're head
and think It's about time that I fall dead
for my own crime.

So shutting my eyes for another rainy
nights dream, I lay awake and I wonder, why
am I out of place?, why can't that be me?

... once again.

Once again I was on my way back home,
running against all these stones that I threw,
who still think It's about time that I fall dead
for my own crime.

I really came looking for home, you just happened to be there all along, doing nothing 'cus you only had an image of me from far away dance and me being my lonesome self.

Thinking of an impossible event,
other than myself.

So the streets and rains erased each others names, years had to pass for circumstances to collapse, to meet up again, introduced for a second time, and something cilcked inside.

Imagining an impossible event,
to change life,
something other than being left behind.

Writting on threads thinner than life,
all I can do is wait and wish that this time I do it right.

Keep holding down on my heart,
ignore the preassure,
you do more good than you can ever imagine.

Let's talk about things already said, you havent broken my mind bu are still just holding it instead. Because you are holding down so strong on me, you knew how to push and you found out that you didn't need to push me at all.

Wake me up tonight, tell me your looking for me one more taime, tell me that you and I might might enjoy this night.

Thunder strikes near by, my room is for a wink lit up, demosn scurrying away, they still live under my bed waiting for me to start conversation again and fall into they're demented games again.

Wake me up again, tell me It's time to leave for another place, tell me things are just fine and that I've found my place.

So I'll pick up the spoils left underneath the ground, the rain falling down clears my sight and washes my eyes, It paints a road I'll follow down, until I get to that place, that you will show.

Just wake me up when we get there, and show me around, walk me up and down this suburb and prove to me that this world is trully round.
Just wake me up when we get there adn after a long day, just lay me down to rest.

So I sit around and complain all day,
it's easy to do if you've have nothing better to do.

None of my inspiration is left, it all stayed
behind, 'cus it found a much warmer embrace.

So I spin around to see this place in a
different way, clouds swirling around turning
into a grayer sky.

Something like a consolation is left, praised by
my pressence I keep this price and what is meant.

"LET HER..."

Let the rain
fall on her.
Let the words
speak up and reassure.
Let her be
what she needs to be.
And let her
cry for questions why.
Let her go
and find her way.
Let her try
and find her day.
Too much time
is far too long.
Just quiet
the words and let
her go.

Written May 9/1999

This motivation I've been giving myself has been good, the thought of knowing this whole new world to me, so ancient for those who know it well, I wish to be there (I will be there). This that she has offered me, an opportunity that she's put on the table, and this, by itself, what she represents. This trip to Spain, exactly what I need now, another taste of a distinct air that I wish to breat... the old continent, that ancient world, the one I want turned into my own home.

...and it'll be...

This new inspiration has her own name, being of flesh and bones, it's what she is and it's the impression that she has given me, this image she has given me. She is Grace, and evrytime I find her she captivates this broken heart, there is no fear in me whan I say that there is little left she can do, for me to fall in love

So I bad mouth my stay, my supposed home
in this picture perfect place. Until somone els comes
along and makes a cloudy day into a monumental event.

Remember what was then said, what I paid,
and that kiss that gave my departure the sweetest taste.

A kiss goodbye...

If I misinterpret the words, of a colder hello
then everything is understood, I laredy did what
I could to change your world.

She opens up my imagination, her image goes
dancing thru my head.

Promising a comfortable stay, she even asks
me if these possibilities could ever change,
to see the same roof while we sleep, wishing
for something like this next time we meet.

She opens up my inspiration while her image
goes pranging thru my head.

Bleeding another unstable heart, she whispers
to my eyes of things unspoken and unheard,
just so not to break a flight, that might find us
in the same comofortable spot.

"CRAZYNESS TEST RESULTS"
(or something like that)

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

"BE THERE"

A promise made is a word made diviven,
brought up higher than heaven,
giving the soul a sort of expectation.

Se we talk now and talk of trips that might come,
and I promise you, I'll be there somehow.

You light up a soul that turned itself off to the
outside world, heaven might not let us stay,
but God long ago got locked away.

So we plan of roads to some day walk upon,
comparing the worlds, finding better words,
to describe your pressence underneath,
I'll promise you, I'll be there somehow.

"Turn My Head"

Anyone, caught in you mystery
keep it angry,
keep it whispy.
I've fallen down
drunk on your juices.

Turn my head,
turn my head
it's aimed at you.

Funky temple,
your dress is torn to shreds,
your eyes are crazy,
I bowed to save my head and
I can't forget you
but I can't remember.

Turn my head,
turn my head
it's aimed at you.

Oh no,
we came to love you all day
these bastards are leaving,
somebody's go to stay,
whatever we called you
it's just a name
just a name.

LIVE

How can I do this to myself again, for someone as far away as her, could she believe in the resolute urgency of what is NOW? What I look for in someone I have found back home, never have I been dissapointed in my returns to that cold, gray beautiful desert plane, for she enjoys the the coudy weather as much as I, as rainy and cold as It can get, we enjoy the melancholic picture of cold grey days.

And of those so very few that came before, she pushes a little bit harder, to go and do things I'm not acostumed to do, and with that fly to some far away place, to spend time, to talk about things that trigger our minds, It can be comfortable, the way I'm used to things, I'm good at them this way.

She's something else though, you couldn't if you saw her, no, not until I talked to her, how excited I am about meeting a girl like that, she's just something else.

Walking again to a farther possibility, things fall into place yet I'm still grounded
in these streets. Falling behind what I want, what I've been offered and what
I intend to understand.

So I find something else as special, I saw it from the start in that cold wait
outside, introduced for a second time, a past so far behind I couldn't remember
that previous line.

And so I pray for a succesful trip, flying above the world, things tend to fall down
from such a distance above.
So I look for a higher Grace, but just realized that God got locked away.


Going off from her tongue, lips as sweet, only a second kiss was done, leaving
the taste of a somewhat closer future that may come, or might leve me behind,
either way, I'm not falling without a fight.

"SO MUCH SPACE"

And here you have me, trying to sum up a feeling that I dont believe, in a place so somber, that colors run away to find something better. The shadows walk at my pace, they tell me of wicked stories and of those far away people, they steal my soul and in return I recieve they're indiference.

I can run but I still cannot find so much space to go thru, I have not been able to place those places that hide the shadows while they sleep.

Look, for I can find every kind of tale I tell and I become one more of those that fall and restart- So keep all the lights on, in this much space I cant see in the dark, images blur and look like written lies.

But I go on writting, filling my pages with constant lies inspired by words that fall from a cloudy sky. And so I begin to see so much space that I have here, I better make use of it to build, with so much space my confidence I can give, with so much space.

"What will become of me when I'm all poured out..."

David J. Matthews

"Something Like Grace"

All's hell again, trying to find a reason for me being how I am, probably just a phase, probably just today, but I'm miserable. Melancholic, not depressed, just down, need that change before everything falls apart again, I'll have to put everything back up again.

And so days go by, pretty fast as a matter of fact, I'm surprised I just noticed a couple of days ago a close my 22nd birthday is, God, 22 years.

Trying to undo these past four years, trying to fit everything in one winter, where everything could've been perfect if it had been sooner, if it had been longer, if I had kissed her. (again).

Cheers go out to her name, she knows who she is, I'll write this in a way so that no one else confuses herself with whom I'm talking about, her name already known, and her nickname that I don't like to use, so I'll use her name, It could might as well be translated into "Grace".

It's a shame really, It happens continuosly, I log in in hopes that "someone is going to hollywood", and why? No one really seems to have anything interesting to talk about, surprising me everytime with some witty joke, or simple pun, she always seems to make me laugh, or at least truly smile, what few people have been able to do lately. She's been doing it almost daily, the days she is absent I just write about her some more, impressed as I am of her, I'm not allowing myself to fall for her until I know for sure, that the possibility is there, and that we will have the chance to work upon that.

So her name could be translated to "Grace"... maybe that's exactly what I need right now.

"You only need a minute too fall in love, you have the rest of your life to get to know her". That one is actually mine, and it appliespretty well, to where I am right now, not letting myself believe in it too much, but still pushing a little this way so we could see each other some day. Taking care of what I say, taking care of I find out, trying to ignore what I'm not gonna enjoy an dI end up enjoying it all, every word, coma, period, etc's, she's good at talking thru a medium that does not enable eye contact, so I rely on only words, pretty much as I have been for the past five years, taking my time really, going at the pace time allows, as slow as I can, I'm in no hurry to go anywhere except just out of this place.

So I'm not sure If I want to end up with her, I'm sure I don't LOVE her still, that'll be hard to do after everything that has happened to me and how little time we actually had, but, sure as hell, I want to try, at least I know how far I'm willing to go. So It's something like Grace, probably not a saving grace, she's not out to save anyone, she's more into getting to know the world, she already knows how smal the world really is, but I've already mentioned that before, she's just something like a Grace, a shot of light out there just waiting to be found, or itself looking for some shadow to shine upon, she sure as hell took some shadows of my face, a little less preassure in my day.

She's just something like a Grace...

So, what happens if I still have this childish mentality that the person that I admire the most is inmortal, my father, could he ever die? These questions have come up just recently, a death already ocurred, a friend of mine lost his father in a most tragic way, yet a death is never far enough for it not to affect you, so this opened my eyes, made me see my dad as what he really is, a father, a man, mortal.

But how could he be? I'm beginning to grow in ways I don't like but have to accept, thought I could just win over things like death by simply ignoring them, my friend is just a couple years younger than me and he already lost his rolemodel, what will happen to me when I lose mine?. He's the only role model I have.

Being at the service and things that come with the death of someone made me realize that I don't wan to be in such a position as my friend, I don't want to be surrounded by people that keep saying the same thing, it doesn't help, all I want is to be left alone, probably 'cus 've been like that for most of the time. It's not hard for me to explein, simply I dont wan to see people that are gonna remind me of the deceased, I just wish that, when that time comes, I'll be left alone to do what I do best.

I'm just thinking about death, because death just appeared close to me, almost saw it's face, didn't turn away at all, am I not as scared of dying as I am scared of watching people around me die?.

Probably...

"HOLY WATER"

She gave me her name and I took it ignoring the blame, of past pleasurable sins where I could've slipped your skin.

Artificial dance sparked from lights that strike the floor, I sit here alone surrounded by poeple I'de rather not care to know.

Theres only this that holds my thoughts, a conversation of sorts that showered me when I was in drought.
Clinging to every drop as if it mattered, for what she gave to me is holy water.

Thinking faster as of now, an imagery of stones walked upon in a past so far now gone.

Wishing for a true dance that might strike, so I sit here alone, all I do is remember, then I'll just turn and go.

Theres only this that holds my thoughts...

"SILENT"

If everynight gives me her body in a dream,
still I wouldn't be contenmpt,
Who wants to dream when you can find the
better thing?
Her warm still body, asleep and silent.

If my return home gives me her body for the first time,
still I wouldn't be contempt,
not until circumstances crumble and circles turn into
a straight road.
Walking hand in hand, nothing to say, we stay silent.

Again I throw away the hurt, beside this well known road,
don't speak a word and kiss me by your bedroom door.

If wild skies all around give me her body for the first time,
still I wouldn't be contempt,
not until these skies belong to us, for us to control.
A backlash of possibilities I find where I was once silent.

Again I throw away my hurt, beside this well known road,
don't speak a word and kiss me by your bedroom door.

The same old feelings start sinking in,
a late meeting means an unlikely possibility.

Another shame, for instance today,
missed you by the thickness of a breeze.

So I'll pack up and go, It's that time again,
so I'll burn the candles once more and let the smoke
take my place, until I come around back again.

At the third act of this event you came on,
soon to begin was my final stretch of road fro me to take on.

A near future encounter, a planned trip to this country´s center...
... I certainly hope you come along.

So I'll pack up and go, It's that time again, so I'll pick
up the ashes that burned, save them to give them to you,
when I come around back again.

A sudden posibility for another day, an incentive
for me to try and stay another day.

I'll do what I can, to learn your names, and give
me some words so I can stand.

This only makes me sink a bit slower,
another day for me, another night for
torture.

I take this sudden blow again and I celebrate
your intelligence and beauty where I stand.

She impressed me, wearing just blue jeans
and no make up, just perfect.

It could have been so comfortable, you so
far away and me staying closer to myself.

She then remembered me at a certain celebration,
black suit, tie and white converse, afterwards she left
elsewhere to some fair and other concerns.

She then remembered...

"THE LIES OF A SMILE"

Unrelentless pride, for once you could not
break me with the lies of a smile.

You talked about what you thought was right, the
change lightens life up, to walk again side by side
on top of clouds and everyone else's thoughts.

But for once turned down, strange now my
problems are felt farther down.

You wronged what once was right, now you want
your love to be something for me to fight for.

With your unrelentless disputes, of universal
chaos and how mistakes can be outspoken,
I take heed from a newer chase, a sudden warmer
embrace.

You should've swallowed your pride, either
way I'd still see the lies of your smile.

When everybody is the same, the outside
world is a God damn shame.

...our love was comfortable and, so broken in,
she's perfect, so flawless, or so they say...

Excerpt from John Mayer's "Comfortable"

If I drink water as much as wine, does that
restrain me from the wisdom of a drunk man
tonight.

To late for me to call, just far enough for me
to stall for as long as my need might have.

So I waiver one more time my chance to fall
by her side, she kept insisting that I'll will.

Whatever love, I don't care for your body
anymore.
Whatever love, I don't care fo your love
anumore.

Something of blur,
if things went wrong I souldn't start to care.
A reapeting light and a sudden blur,
people that ressemble a face so pure.

Lights from a sudden shadow,
new names to ponder and ignore,
this teaches me of a tasteful swallow
and a safe shore to explore.

And if a buzz gives me a new name to learn,
just give me a little more time to explore,
a possibility to implore, on something like
a new name to call and to learn.

If these years were as rough,
forget the years apart and share a different thought.
A fog as misty, beyond it what I've always sought
(but in my mind fought),
the people that ressemble a face so rare,
in this misty fog.

And if a buzz gives me a new name to learn,
just give me a little more time to explore,
a possibility to implore, on something like
a new name to call and to learn.

"ANOTHER WAY"

I run past these colder streets, cutting
thru the madness of this city far from
the sea.

Secrets have already been known, bealiving
whatever words we say to stay another day
the same.

Of these people that lived around me, only
Adam and Eve complained about me when I
moved down the street.

So run down another way, this
way is too crowded for you to
come along.
So run down another way, the
line to get into heaven is way too
long.

Friends from a whole different border, we
ignore our racial madness in hopes we find
order.

Fantastic interaction between friends,
secrets and fiends show what our hearts
intend.

So run down another way, this
way is too crowded for you to come
along.
So we'll run down our own way,
'cus the wait to get into heaven is way
too long.

Remember something new,
these things tend to break,
a bird that flew,
you're memory seems to leak.

A late night misused moon,
a midnight fading dream.
Someone is howling like a loon,
give me a reason to let you speak.

Concerning some sort of law,
I hunt down my own despair.
When my hands turn to paws,
with these I try to find other affairs.

Finding a chilled way to say,
that things can always change.
Finding that road that gave me away,
a flying bird that gave me your name.

Backyard night time dream,
another alternative for something new.
Just sing a new song to me,
you can be one of the so very few.

Thinking the way I didn't,
a memory stirs inside my head.
Like when I'm set before the kick,
I stand around and take it all instead.

"STOP TO SEE"
(Stoplight)

In wait, in a mid cold, ignoring the memories
and those tales of old. The stoplight my only
source of sight, the green, red and yellow
signs of my life.

Stop to see, the light chages on me again,
I hurry to make up for the lost and the time
I was left behind.

In wait, an appointment foretold, a table
and a chair, a cup of coffee that could make
our conversation pleasent and fair, interrupted
only by the stoplight and it's sudden flare.

Stop to see, the weather changes on me again,
so I hurry to make up for those lost souls we
left behind.

"AS OF RIGHT NOW"

So the year passed and I survived, I don't feel
fully alive just yet, probably only half as dead.

...much better than last, as of right now,
another shadow over my face has passed,
I don't feel half as dead as of right now...

You can save me today, or just take one
more of this cat's lives, you can also be my
saving grace, holding that smile that cast
from up high.

...much more awake than last, as of right now,
another shadow has left my face, I don't feel
half as dead, as of right now...

You can keep me awake today, or leave me
at home for me to rest, you can also be a brighter
grace, holding that thought with a light laid upon
you from up high.

Theres something here again, your pressence
starts sinking in, edges so rough you and me
I think we could fit quite nicely.

Weeks trickle into days, my time with you
is less than a few hours and seconds away.

We already meassure the world by the mark
we have made, a world as small, nothing is made
too strange.

Hide the things you're scared to show,
bring your thoughts around and rearrange them
with my own.

Hide the scars that still bleed,
bring your heart around, stay close to me
and I'll give you my air to breath.

Just don't turn back, you'll know when It's time
to talk about background memories and all our moments
of peace...

...all the while I'm just wondering if I'm
allowed to see you in my sleep.

Ignoring the things you've tried to hide,
I'll bring myself around and show you theres
so much I'd like to try.

Healing the scars that might show,
I'll bring myself around and show you that youre
not alone.

... I'm here if you want to...

You should might as well whisper, I'd still
hear your words, as far as I am supposed to go
where words travel slower, It's a completely different
world.

For if I am called a saint I might as well call you
a god, for without worship I write something like
a psalm fo you every day and every night.

Impressed as I'd like to be, my pressence here
is only that of a passer by, concerning only the flight
that will let me flee I can only turn around and say
goodbye.

And so I turn my back to the world I used to know.

Interrupting inspiration, a fleeting glimpse of that
sought fo emotion, of the oldest wish, more even
than you and I, a wish I'd like granted tonight.

...but I can only turn around and say goodbye.

And so I turn my back on the world I used to know,
once more.

All of these raindrops that fall on your heart,
just so you know, that high above the world
they turn into crystals of snow.

Tossing and turning, nightmares fill my head,
these rhymes and reasons that I give don't change
the things that were said.

Growing deeper scars thatn these,
sufficing my pains I take any shot to the heart
with ease.

The lights make shadows, a darkness I abide in time,
my constant company in sorrow has it's own lighter
and beatiful side.

I'm ignoring these confrontations,
telling myself these come from lighter jokes
and not something violent and with intimidation.

Growing blodier wounds than this,
knowing of things that are better and know there are
worse messes than this.

Pouring myself full, angels never ignored me before
at heaven's door, a heaven that was closed for me
without knowing what these sins intend.

Dying like a spoiled brat , see me in a different
way, stronger minds need somewhere to go, I just
look to fall in the hands of some angel.

Hestating on another prayer
I come upon another person to play the drummer
and fill my head with something other than doubt.

Covering something other than my various shades of gray,
painting with another color and keeping from breaking and staying
just to keep on dreaming.