It's hard to say what my recent behavior says about me. For the people that just met me, they probably can't judge me completely yet; for the poeple that have known me for at least a couple of years all I can picture them saying is: "You've changed."

I rarely got opportunities like the one I got last night but for the first time in all those opportunities I took it and had the fun I'm supposed to have.

People here have still to judge my actions, maybe they wont; maybe they'll never know. I dont know what would be better with that. I'll probably hear a comment later tonight.

It's a tight knit group the one they have here, It may be a bit more complicated to be accepted than I thought. They're very selective and I understand that just because they are so tightly knit and so small, any person coming in and disrupting this harmony they've managed to establish represents a sort of threat to the relative peace they have here. It's very nice symbiosis they have here, I just hope I can one day form a part of it.



People have come and gone searching for the spot I somehow managed to grab hold of, believe me, I'm still surprised I got it. "I find it hard to explain how I got here... I think I can, I think I can." Now It's time to actually take this awesome step I achieved and put it to good use. About time I do something that will leave me with something again.

Exhausted from last night; from whatever happened last night; from the drinks, looks, hidden innuendo and words in between what they said.

"You're here for now. Be careful what you do."

Then I promptly go down and do it, I mistake my intentions with my needs. "Be careful what you do, you've only been here one day." I heard telling myself. "It's not time to flip this world around quite yet." There's plenty of time to return here and wreak havok in a nother way; there's always ways to come back and see what one can so easily alter; something I can so easily "acquire."

Call me surprised, because I am. Believe me. But maybe It's just me.

Time will pass before I eventually come back, several months, even more weeks and I don't want to count the days, they'll just make them go slower. I need to come back as soon as I can.

It's strange how I'm still dissapointing people because I'm leaving; hurting them even because I'm finally achieving things that are solely for myself. I once made her promise that I would never hurt her again, I should have realized that promise is impossible to keep forever; impossible to keep at all.

Things will change; things are already changing; I'm changing. I need people to be ok with that, to be ok with the fact that I'm probably not going to be the same person in four months, or two years.

I need to change.

I need to keep recieving what I felt in Erie; that vibe as If I'm forming part of something but I'm still just myself.


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