This predicament seems to fill the air now.She reads my words I know, in this situation it's hard not to. She reads what I want people to know about me, just like I've done for all this time. It's easy to lie when you've got nothing better to do. I admit I am not in the hole I thought I would be in but that is just that I did not take my time getting out of it.
It's so simple to go with this flow, you feel like crap so keep on feeling like crap; you feel like the world is going to end, might as well let it end. I've had enough of that, I've had enough of having to pick myself up long after I've fallen down and the ground getting used to me. I've been there most of my life, It's time I get up. It was probably that situation that made me start climbing up so quickly, It's also the fact that most people think I started feeling like crap when I finished the relationship. Just goes to show how good I am at hiding things.
So I'm starting a new damn life, If I don't deserve better than feeling like crap then someone make sure to tell me and I'll do my best to let you down, even if I have to do it again. I'm finally experiencing things that, for one reason or another, I've denied myself either because of my morals or someone else's.
If I go out of town It's because I'm beginning to hate this place again.
I'm not incredibly happy but I'm feeling pretty damn OK.
At least I deserve that.
I wanted to change her so much, TOO MUCH. That did not make me feel entirely well, It showed that it was not fair to change her that much when I most likely needed something else. These three years have made us know each other entirely but, maybe, this relationship should have in between the distances, maybe that way every time time we'd leave each other we'd start idealizing each other enough for this to be new and perfect every short time we'd see each other.
It wasn't fair to end it the way I did but there was no other way, I could not continue feeling like I was, pretending I was fine; pretending I didn't have unsatisfied needs; pretending I had enough with our perfectly constructed emotional core. I needed what people less responsible than I were acquiring.
I wanted change but I didn't want to change her, every time I tried I felt worse so I just simply gave up. Call me whatever you want; tell the world I disappointed you again; I've never told anybody how you made me feel. But you and I are different; you and I don't think alike; don't speak alike. At least not anymore.
I'm just too tired of feeling used to the damn ground.
Here's to disappointments, they will never leave your life; here's to trying to make impossible promises, you will ALWAYS hurt someone. Here's to whatever good of me remains in you.
Happy birthday
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