The last three nights I've been having different dreams with a recurring girl, one I've never seen in my life except in dreams.

"Who she is?" Is a question I've only asked myself since this morning for it was only since then that I noticed she became a recurring theme. The most recent scene being driving in my car here in Juárez; I distinctly remember a certain crossroad close to the morgue where I work, I remember that multicolored tile wall on the bank on the north-west corner of that crossroad.

She's a stranger in every way except in my dreams. In those dreams I know her name; in those dreams I know where she's from; in those dreams I know what she likes and dislikes; in those dreams I KNOW her. Once I wake she's a stranger and I forget those small details. Alll I remember is her physical form.

Long hair, down to just below her shoulder and a bit curly at the ends. Brownish-blondish hair; light brown eyes and small lips. Slim, sporty almost.

She was wearing red pants and a tight white wife beater; her native tongue was English. Cant remember her accent.

She's a stranger and now that I've acknowledged her existence in my subconsciouse I know I'll never dream her again. That's how it is with me, sometimes I just don't write down my dreams because of this fact.

She'll be gone by the morning and I cant even remember her name...

Something is changing.

It's going to be big.

Should I be fighting this temptation or should I just stand firm with the decision I've made?

What would happen? When is it too late?

I try to figure out the reasons why I did this in the first place; the reasons I tell myself, the ones that convinced me and now I'm not so sure. I don't think I ever was, at least for most of them.

There is one reason though that has not faltered in this short time and that is the fact that I'm leaving. Either I'm convinced that I'm not strong enough to wait anymore, or that I'll fall prey to whatever first opportunity I'll have when I'm gone and by myself. God knows as much as I do that It would've been impossible for me to say no.

I rewind the cassette player in my head (yes, I'm that old fashioned) and replay certain scenes from the last few months. I jump from moment to moment, always going from a specific instant and from there remembering details until it forms the larger picture in which that moment is framed.

There's one unfortunate moment that's stuck too my head like a scrambled egg that gets messed up when you try to pass it to the plate. What she said when I mentioned that there's a chance of me leaving again and that I wanted her to come a long with me to live, what she said that night made my mouth close and I said little else the rest of our short time in that bar.

I took her home and immediately went to mine, I barely said goodbye.

Later that night I had one of my many fits of insomnia. I didn't sleep that night, I had mixed feelings of anger, doubt, frustration, and loneliness.

I "woke up" the next day and it was all a haze, I don't remember if I saw her that day or if I just stayed home what with the mood I was in. Burning questions in my head that just wouldn't let themselves be put out; these burning questions that left that scar. How many years had passed and still there were secrets, fears, doubts?

She feared me.

She doubted me.

She kept these secret from me.

All it took was for me to ask you to come along with, to at least consider it. She said it was "creepy."

I believe then they were normal fears and doubts, I probably hadn't given her enough for her to believe that something like this was possible; she probably trusted me enough to let me go and me apart for so long yet did not trust me enough for us to be able to live together. That's the irony of things, we were apart because we had no choice, when the choice was granted and the opportunity at hand the fears set in and grew roots, I was left alone, lying in my bed thinking just one question, "why?"

I wasn't the same after that, I was slowly changing and convincing myself, day by day, the darker side of my heart just saying, "it's time to move on." You can only ignore that voice for so long.

I cried that night because I had never loved anyone so much for this long and in this ironic way have it explode in my face, I had never loved anyone so much and yet feel so untrusted. I blame this all on me though; I probably only thought I was doing all the good for her, I was probably never doing quite enough.

So I insist...

"Did I do all that I should; that I could've done."

After that it was me that was scared and weak; after that, I don't know, I just felt I couldn't do much else. The extent of my actions would not be enough to satisfy a couple's life, so I might as well satisfy my own. Also to try in acknowledge what I'm capable of giving to another person, to reestablish that sincerity with what I actually have and what I can truly give; what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I expect to receive.

There's a difference between believing you should receive something and actually deserving it. I probably did not deserve than what I was given; I probably gave just as much.

It's true on notices his mistakes after the fact, after the years; after everything has changes; after HE has changes, that is when one decides to regret and learn or forget and falter again.

I'm regretting and learning.

We will both move on, there's no doubt inside of that, whether she moves on first or I it doesn't matter, this is not a race. As long as we can both look back at this and smile saying to one another "Those were 3 of the best years of my life."

They were. They'll always be, and even if she cant carry the memories along with her I know I can; I know I'll still have memories hanging on my walls; on my notebooks and inside of me.

I am so sorry; I can never be sorry enough.

Cheers.

I dreamt her a couple nights ago in ways I never wished to dream her again; in ways I NEVER want to see her.

Yesterday I was at work and couldn't help but keep my eyes peeled...

Talk about being stressed...

I think I've done most of my postings early in the morning, probably the only time when I HAVE time, I do come back from work around 7 or 8 o 'clock in the evening with enough space and time to write something but all I want to do is shower, read and then head to bed.

Specially when I was in hand to hand combat with 10 mummified remains, and tow more that were just squeletized. I do enjoy my job.

I think everything is moving one as it should, the mistakes I've made have begun to take shape and to direct themselves towards places that will make them mean something. Everything here is slipping away, I believe that, by the time I leave, everything will disappear; everyone will be gone; no one will give a second though about the mistakes I made except myself.

At least I'll be gone; I'll have a lake to talk to and where I can try to wash it all away. I cant believe how for all this time I've tried to find places where I'm not recognized so I can start over, like a criminal that's running from his past, from that instant where he decided to act differently from what he's been accustomed to, so he can begin a new life. I am that criminal, I am that man carrying around that instant, I am that hopeful being that's trying to find a way out of this place.

I just never thought that the place where a wouldn't be recognized was the place I was born. This contradicts everything I've been running away from, maybe I haven't been running at all, maybe I've just made it all up, maybe I'm not so fucked up as I thought.

Maybe I'm fortunate.

It's still early enough to be dreaming so maybe that's what I'm doing right now. I'm awake but still dreaming.

Dreams of finding a way to get away.

Nightmares of my mistakes.

Watch me regret;

Watch me fakely smile.

Time to leave it all behind again and shed my skin.

Bird Stealing Bread

Tell me, baby, tell me
are you still on the stoop
watching the windows close?
I've not seen you lately
on the street by the beach
or places we used to go.

I've a picture of you
on our favorite day
by the seaside.
There's a bird stealing bread
that I brought
out from under my nose.

Tell me, baby, tell me
does his company make
light of a rainy day?
How I've missed you lately.
and the way we would speak
and all that we wouldn't say.

Do his hands in your hair
feel a lot like a thing
you believe in,
or a bit like a bird
stealing bread out from under your nose?

Tell me, baby, tell me
do you carry the words
around like a key or change?
I've been thinking lately
of a night on the stoop
and all that we wouldn't say.

If I see you again
on the street by the beach
in the evening
will you fly like a bird
stealing bread out from under my nose?

-o-

I needed to know those things, but I guess that how she found out about most of my problems.

"I wanted to make you feel beautiful all the time. I wanted to make you feel the way I felt when I looked at you." (Never happened.)

Post Secret

I am NEVER sarcastic. Whatever I say, I mean.

If what you're going to do is complain and feel worse about what I write here, then I suggest you don't. Sooner or later you might find something that just will be a bit hard to swallow.

For your own good and mine.

Please.

She did not "do good", she did "incredibly good."

- I hate when people flip through my journals without asking me, even if they don't read it. I've lost relationships because of this.
- I love onion rings.
- I like the smell of gasoline.
- My dirty clothes are always in a pile in a corner of my room.
- I'm a compulsive notebook buyer; I have around twenty unused ones. (I love Moleskines.)
- I sleep better accompanied than by myself. The latest I've woken up this year was with someone by my side. (NOON!!!)
- I cant wake up later than 9:00 o'clock when I sleep alone.
- "I used to watch the pouring rain."
- "I used to wish to be back home again."
- "I used to fear the future."
- "I used to believe it was all in your eyes."
- My worst feeling is envy.
- Second one is the inability to act upon something and just watch it fade away.
- I cant be alone for another two years.- I'm tired of waiting for everyone to reappear in my life.
- In my journals I underline the name the person I have feeling for.
- I love Dr. Pepper.
- She made me like coffee. I drink coffee now.
- She's made her blog private.
- I collect sharpies.
- Right now I'm in my underwear. I only have black underwear.
- It's labor day in Mexico, that means I'm going back to bed.
- I've never been blocked before; It's a strange feeling.

So, there's this girl, right...

(that's the most dangerous way to start something...)

... and she's a long ways away. Exactly what I'm not willing to take anymore.

Exactly what I wanted to get away from. Two more years that I just wouldn't be able to survive still waiting.

I can't have another Missouri; I cant have any more 4:00 A.M. bed times; I cant stand much more insomnia; more bad imagery. I just cannot find myself waiting for such needed company that others have at hand, it's too much envy; too much necesity; too much time alone and too little time to make up for it.

I'm listening to my head for the first time, I'm letting my heart rest for a while.

- I need to shave.
- I can't find my camera.
- I exhumed two bodies yesterday; five in the past week.
- Old stones I've tripped on in the past have been thrown back.
- I dont like working Saturdays.
- I steal shot glasses from every new bar I go to.
- I think I need someone.
- Anyone?

I need to get out into the woods more.

I wonder, why would she do that?

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me? I can't believe you actually miss me...

"And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your brown eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today;
Hate me tomorrow;
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you;
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow;
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you."

Anyone for Ruidoso this weekend again?

What the FUCK did I do wrong now that was so bad?

If only I were different...

"I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey).
Who cares if no one else believes
So I set fire to everyone around.
But I told you
I told you,
I told you.

So ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha.
Yeah we walk."

The problem with me is that I'm always expecting something from some situation or someone, that's how I bring myself down every day. It's easy to be disappointed when nothing you expected occurs.

Two nights in a row and nothing; another freak coincidence and nothing; the right combination of words and nothing; the willingness to finally cooperate and nothing.

I can't expect anything anymore, I don't need another whole day of thinking what I believe I'm going to receive only to find myself with only a flat tire and a busted rim.

At least make it worth my drive there; at least make it worth me busting my ass at work to get out early; at least something.

... and I'm out of time again.

Damn. I was willing to go so far tonight.

Maybe tomorrow night is another good night for a hit.

Conversation, five hours long. 2:23 A.M. here; 4:23 A.M. there.

...as a side note you are such a wonderful writer.

"I am Jose's enraged sense of passive jealousy."

I expected this to happen eventually and I'm not surprised. I wasn't expecting to take a certain amount of time or a certain amount of tries.

She is beautiful, no doubt about that, one of the most beautiful women I know, so it was perfectly natural for this to happen.

It's also perfectly natural for me to feel this way, It's my right to feel jealous because I decided it would be from the beginning.

I've been preparing myself for this since then actually, just waiting for her to realize what she is and is capable of. She says she had forgotten what she could do and that was probably my fault, numbing her into a comfortable, uneventful relationship. I've come to terms with accepting that I was pulling her down and keeping her from what she can really do.

I probably should stop reading her words but hen again, I need to know she's alright.

She can do so much, I think It's time she remembers all of that.

I'm happy for her.

And I'm jealous

Debatiendo este tipo de cosas con completos extraños es bastante interesante. Ese filtro, o mas bien, particularidad de no conocer a la persona que da su opinión mas a esto sumándole el hecho de que no se tiene a la persona cara a cara, puede brindar una opinión de lo mas sincera y transparente.

A distancia es muy fácil que sucedan cosas; es mas fácil que no te juzguen, si uno solo conoce a otra persona por sus palabras, por sus escritos, solo puede realmente sospechar que se tienen cosas en común y puede ser muy cierto, puede que lo tengan, de hecho creo que lo tenemos.

A distancia todo puede ocurrir; te puedes enamorar de alguien y se lo puedes decir sin tanto riesgo a salir lastimado; a distancia se puede llevar a cabo una guerra sin siquiera estar participando en ella; a distancia se puede conquistar el mundo entero.

Me dan cosas para pensar, para reconsiderar, ya será cosa de mí de que manera desperdicio mi vida.

Tales opiniones son más que bienvenidas, son apreciadas.

Gracias


Translating...

Discussing these types of things with complete strangers is incredibly interesting. This filter, or better said, particularity of not knowing this person that is giving his/her opinion and adding to this the fact that such person is not here at all, can bring an opinion so honest so transparent.

At a distance it's very easy for things to happen; it's easier NOT to be judged; if one only knows another person just by his words, by his writings, he or she can only really suspect that they have things in common and it can be so very true, they just might and I actually think they do.


At a distance anything can happen, you can fall in love and you can say it without running such a big risk of ending hurt; at a distance you can mange a war without even participating in it; at a distance one can conquer the world.

These people give me ideas to think about, to consider, in the end it'll be my decision on how I screw up my life.

These are more than welcome; they're so very much appreciated.

Thank you.

I've got this buzz going right here just by myself, listening to this song that just reminds me so much.

"... I've been wrong but It's alright.
there have been long and lonely nights.
I was lost 'till I found you..."

I cant get it down quite right on the guitar yet.

It wont change my life but, God, how it makes me think will scare me sometimes.

I'm, by far, a lonesome person. I like being alone; I enjoy my solitude. It becomes a problem when that solitude creates loneliness out of nothing. I hate being lonely and not knowing why.

Nick Drake soothes my uneasiness.

Yet still I feel I'm missing out on so much still. Even though I've been, in a way, free I still feel perfectly enclosed inside myself, as if I'm more comfortable in here than out there. It's probably true but "out there" is where I need to be.

Beer bottle dried out, need another one. There's three corpses made of glass lying neatly in my trash bin, one for each hour I've had nothing to do.

I don't know, I need another hit maybe; I need to feel something I've never felt before; I need to have sex without feeling; I need to put the emotions aside and, for once, act as If I was an animal.

... to scream instead of talk.
... to run instead of walk.
... to fly instead of crash.
... to laugh out loud instead of just smiling.
... to feel like I'm closer to life than to death.
... to hunt instead of buy.
... to fuck instead of make love.
... to enjoy instead of complain.

I feel as if I need to fulfill my most basic needs and wants in order to gain access to all those things that enrich my life.

Hit me. I'm in the mood fuck the whole world today. It's my goddamn obligation. It's my freaking right.

I need... so much.

- I always wear long black socks.
- I always change the white shoelaces on my black all stars to black ones.
- Most of my music reminds me of somebody. I always relate a song with a memory; a feeling; a person.

I've so uninspired lately. Too much work has drained me, too much office work, such small office space. I cant wait 'til Monday when I'll be back at the cemeteries.

My eyes are heavy from little sleep, insomnia is my lover every night but she's always gone by morning. She comes back when I'm ready to retire. She always comes back.

"Caught a bolt of lightning... curse the day I let it go."

I could say so much to this person right now.

I cant believe it.

Was I to naive to expect something?

- I have to fix that problem.
- I smoke when nobody's around.
- I've begun to drink my coffee black and sweet.
- I've gotten used to drinking by myself.
- I am naive. I've always been.
- I'm high maintenance.
- I like my tea with milk.
- I prefer ales to lagers.
- "You're easy to kiss."
- I'm starting to enjoy my solitude again.
- I paste pictures of people having sex on my journal to express how I feel.
- I've kept a journal for ten years.
- I keep my poetry apart from my journal.
- I've been published twice.
- I've been drinking too much water lately.
- My back has been hurting more than usual.
- My sight goes blurry sometimes.
- "Don't make me..."
- I cant sleep for more than two hours at a time.
- Sometimes I cant go to sleep before 3 am.
- I dream something different everytime I get to sleep, but I can remember at least one.
- I have poor vocabulary.
- I need to get laid.
- "You have nice teeth."
- I hate to shave.
- I cant get enough.
- I steal paper towels from restrooms to write on them (I have hundreds.)
- I hate losing pens.
- I'm starting to develope an argentine accent. (God help me!)
- "Don't stop talking."
- I prefer a mountain range than the beach. A pine tree to a palm tree. Whiskey to a beer.
- I'm alone and dont feel that bad.
- I've changed.
- I'm changing still.
- "These trees smell like cum."
- I'm leaving.
- I'm not coming back.
- I've never cum.
- I'm a compulsive writer, almost pathologically.
- I'm starting to feel closer to thirty now.
- I always wear all-stars.
- I'm starting to "feel."
- I dont feel part of the scenery anymore.
- "We've got body over here!"
- I dont want to be buried when I die.
- I want a tatoo.
- I've never kissed a girl with a tongue piercing.
- I'd like to.
- I hate wearing ties.
- Today I drank half a gallon of Coke... at lunch!!!
- I hate paperwork.
- I love exhumations.
- I've lost all the romantic beliefs I've had about death.
- The smell of rotting corpses makes me hungry.
- My favorite part of the human skeleton is the back bone.
- My favorite part of the womans body is the waist; and the small of her back.
- Cute face; developed intelligence; good body. In that order.
- I used to draw.
- I've been lost.
- I've been found.
- "Pinky swear, twice."
- Love's will is broken in me.
- I bite my nails constantly, not only when I'm nervous.
- I love my job when It's not confined to the office.
- I like to crack my back.
- I've been wrong.
- I wish I had jet black hair.
- I've been right.
- I've only been on top of one water tower.
- Each of my three guitars has a different name.
- I'm not afraid of heights but I get vertigo.
- "Tell me about yourself."
- I work with dead bodies. Live ones give me the creeps
- I like Irish girls.
- Sometimes I really believe I'm crazy.
- Sometimes I am.
- Sometimes I'm not.
- Sometimes I wish...



I'm still here.

I cant really say I know much. Things have changed so drastically in so little time. People have come and gone, almost disappeared; important people; unforgettable people; beautiful. I've managed to drive them away somehow, whether with my incoherences, my cowardness or my insistence. Which ever way, I just seem to drive these people away.

I tend to back off then, I know the signs; I recognized those hidden words in between the lines because If heard them before; I've used them as well.

She's drifting away. Sooner or later, I know our hands will drift apart.

She's far away. Nothing I can do there.

She's disappeared. I can only wonder where she's gone.

I'll vanish myself eventually, not into thin air but up to the north, a colder place, more comfortable for me. It's about time I take a break from the sun. The lake will be a place for me to relax. An ocean that's sweet.

My problems will come and go and I'll take care of them as they arrive, It's more important to take care of myself now; to get better; to feel well enough to function in other ways than accompanied. I need to learn to be able to breath by myself.

Everything will eventually fall into place, only if I'm there to put everything where it needs to be. Once each thing comes and presents it's problem I'll make sure to get around "tuit."

'Till then.

Cheers

I think I have a thing for Irish girls.

Blimey!!!

Whatever was spoken; whatever was done; whatever kisses were given.
Value everything below it's worth, forget everything said and start from the sky once more.

The chances given and all of the lost; a woodsy wilderness promised two more days; change brought another promise broken.

Walking forward with the wings on your ankles carrying you around, so thin a body I swear could float over the ground.

Your wings grew and as soon as you landed you were gone, leaving behind a scent, a presence, some feathers from your wings.

Whatever was intended; whatever was justified; whatever was always taken for granted.
Lighter Kisses I have not known, from who I expected a violent reaction I received tranquility.

A night's silent activity, unreal covers still sweating without moving, without speaking a single word for fear of something outside this room; for respect of one and another's past.

Walking backwards and landing on lighter kisses and the wings on your feet. So short a time never owning time at all.

You were no one until a Friday afternoon and I was something until you kissed me behind everyone's back.

Well now the world has turned around and you have flown.
You're a story and nothing more.

And so I start...
There were words
and then there was you disappearing.
Vanished on a pair of borrowed wings
much larger than the ones around your feet.

And so it goes on...
thoughts of someone gone
and thoughts of something lost.
Vanished in thin air a presence lingers still.
Much stronger than any perfume,
much more sudden than any kiss.

And so it ends...
unknowing, still believing
there is something more to this.
Vanished just like love; a memory still in my veins.
Much deeper than I thought,
much simpler wars we have fought.

And so it continues...
It lingers on with your wings...
I thought one could go o far with those wings...

And everything is different... just like that.

After so much in so little time... now nothing at all.

Strange

"Did I do all that I should; that I could've done."

It's never stupid to say what your heart feels. Cowards are the people that keep what they feel inside.

We had our songs; our moments but the fact that this ended doesn't mean they're not ours anymore. As difficult as it may seem right now it will become easier to deal with each passing day; there will come a time where you will remember all this with a smaller degree of sadness and larger sense of thankfulness. You will remember the moments and realize how these things made you who you are and helped you achieve, they will still be specific moments no one else will have. You will come to appreciate them not as something you lost, but as something you happily experienced.

There will come a time. I swear it will. If you can still believe something that comes from me, make it that.

I will always apologize for not being all that you needed; I will always apologize for letting you down.

I'm truly sorry.

It's hard to say what my recent behavior says about me. For the people that just met me, they probably can't judge me completely yet; for the poeple that have known me for at least a couple of years all I can picture them saying is: "You've changed."

I rarely got opportunities like the one I got last night but for the first time in all those opportunities I took it and had the fun I'm supposed to have.

People here have still to judge my actions, maybe they wont; maybe they'll never know. I dont know what would be better with that. I'll probably hear a comment later tonight.

It's a tight knit group the one they have here, It may be a bit more complicated to be accepted than I thought. They're very selective and I understand that just because they are so tightly knit and so small, any person coming in and disrupting this harmony they've managed to establish represents a sort of threat to the relative peace they have here. It's very nice symbiosis they have here, I just hope I can one day form a part of it.



People have come and gone searching for the spot I somehow managed to grab hold of, believe me, I'm still surprised I got it. "I find it hard to explain how I got here... I think I can, I think I can." Now It's time to actually take this awesome step I achieved and put it to good use. About time I do something that will leave me with something again.

Exhausted from last night; from whatever happened last night; from the drinks, looks, hidden innuendo and words in between what they said.

"You're here for now. Be careful what you do."

Then I promptly go down and do it, I mistake my intentions with my needs. "Be careful what you do, you've only been here one day." I heard telling myself. "It's not time to flip this world around quite yet." There's plenty of time to return here and wreak havok in a nother way; there's always ways to come back and see what one can so easily alter; something I can so easily "acquire."

Call me surprised, because I am. Believe me. But maybe It's just me.

Time will pass before I eventually come back, several months, even more weeks and I don't want to count the days, they'll just make them go slower. I need to come back as soon as I can.

It's strange how I'm still dissapointing people because I'm leaving; hurting them even because I'm finally achieving things that are solely for myself. I once made her promise that I would never hurt her again, I should have realized that promise is impossible to keep forever; impossible to keep at all.

Things will change; things are already changing; I'm changing. I need people to be ok with that, to be ok with the fact that I'm probably not going to be the same person in four months, or two years.

I need to change.

I need to keep recieving what I felt in Erie; that vibe as If I'm forming part of something but I'm still just myself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

ACCEPTED!!!!

ROCK ON!!!

For those of you who forgot to;
or those that just decided not to.
For those who were too busy;
or those that just didn't worry.
For those that just don't care;
or those that actually offered me their care.

Wish me luck

C'ya saturday.

Yes, it IS this early.

pusilánime
Préstamo (s. xv ) del latín pusillanimis , formado a partir de pusillus ‘pequeño’ y anima ‘aire, aliento’, ‘alma’. De la familia etimológica de alma (V.).
adjetivo/nombre común
1 [persona] Que muestra poco ánimo y falta de valor para emprender acciones, enfrentarse a peligros o dificultades o soportar desgracias.

Claro, como me quieran describir. Me sigue sorprendiendo como a una persona la pueden tener descrita después de una sola acción. Una.

Es cierto entonces que una persona realmente describe como es otra solo cuando tienen algún desgarre en la relación. ¿Acaso no era pusilánime mientras estábamos juntos o simplemente fué algo nuevo y repentino que desarrollé?

Aparentemente no tomó valor hacer lo que hice...
Aparentemente no toma valor lo que voy a hacer...

Ni hablar, me pueden describir como quieran. Ahora soy pusilánime, mañana aún no se que error cometeré, ni el adjetivo que me atribuirán.

Apenas ha sido una persona que conozco quien lo ha notado y me lo ha dicho a la cara: "Estas triste, ¿Por qué?" Lleva meses diciéndome lo mismo. La primera vez que lo dijo me sorprendió tanto porque nunca nadie antes me lo había dicho ni había estado tan cierto ni cerca a la realidad. Lo único que le pude decir fué "¿Acaso se nota tanto?" Entonces, ¿Por qué nadie ha dicho una sola palabra? En este tipo de casos es uno mismo el que tiene que decir la primera palabra. Mas adelante me dijo que conoce muy bien el tema, que ha escrito tésis sobre ella.

El poco ánimo lo admito pero que me juzguen entonces por estar deprimido.

Bienvenido al mundo de beber solo.

Si regreso con buenas noticias prometo que seras la primera en saber.

Arrivo a El Paso el sábado entre 6:30 y 7:00 de la noche. Hablaremos entonces.

Early tomorrow morning I'll be flying farther than I have in so long. I'm flying to find a place for myself, a place where I can stop shooting the future on the foot.

6:55 A.M. Will see me flying over the people I know. It'll be a very early morning.

I wont come back for three days trying to find a way not come back in two years.

Wish me luck, all.

Recuerdos que apenas tocan la superficie de estos tres años.

Salúd por los próximos tres... si sobrevivo.

It would've been trhee years tomorrow; three years of one heck of a ride.

Unfortunately these pillars gave way with my biggest weakness; my biggest need. I'm too much of an animal for someone to love; I'm too neanderthal to be civilized. After almost three years we spent many hours saying how all the things that other people said would defeat us have only ricochet off of us. It's funny how whatended sabotaging this relationship was myself.

Sometimes I'm too much of an "average guy" to feel unique.

She'll live her life and find someone else, I know that; I know many that admire her beauty. It's harder for me because, well, It's always been like that.

I would've loved to see her in that dress she says she wore on her birthday though... she never wore a dress for me except on very special occasions. I guess I'll never see that now.

There's nothing much to do now really. She want's to see me one more time, she says she has things to say to me and I have no idea what. I don't know if she'll yell at me in anger; I don't know if she'll cry; I don't know what questions she will ask, all I know now is that she has things to say.

We'll see this weekend.

Years will pass and at least I can hope that a friendship will be rescued, all we need is to realize that what we were to each other was something to prepare us for something larger. She's been everything to me for so long though. I know we'll both survive this.


Cheers to you Gorgeous.

Be happy; be a readhead; be you.

Be a mad scientist.

Be free.

Hago trampa pero lo dejas pasar, sabes que es a propósito para poderme acercar. Me hablas para decirme "Ahora el mundo cambiará. ¿Me quieres acompañar?"

Me convences y te hago caso, me espera un lago y la construcción de un barco; una plataforma para hundirse y platicar mientras los peces nos muerden los pies.

Me ensucio con el fango del fondo de tu lago; camino con el lodo entre mis dedo; el agua permanece hasta que duermo.

Haces trampa pero lo dejo pasar, se que si llegas algo me vas a dar.
Mientras tanto te hablo para preguntarte "¿Cuándo me vas a cambiar el mundo de nuevo?"

Te trato de convencer pero eres una piedra divertida de romper; una piedra que nunca se hunde porque tu cuerpo es mas ligero que el agua.

Me cubro en el fango del fondo de tu lago y, mientras te veo flotar en la superficie, tu cuerpo lo sigo hasta llegar a tierra firme.



Hacemos trampa pero ninguna dice una sola palabra, sabemos que el tiempo no es nuestro para controlar y lo único que nos queda de él es podernos burlar.

Nos convencemos y nos mentimos, si la distancia y la falta de contacto es lo mejor para los dos, ¿Por qué insistimos en cambiar nuestro mundo?

Nos ensuciamos con los recuerdos del otro, aprendemos nuestros nombres y lo que cargan con su significado. Nos vemos a medio camino entre la superficie y el fondo; yo ensucio tus manos mientras tu me limpias el rostro...

...Y me besas, cierras los ojos y con decir tan pocas palabras me cambias el mundo una vez más.

Acercas estas manos tan débiles a la superficie para tocar el aire y el sol, me convences de lo mejor que es respirar en la superficie que permanecer en el fondo.



Hagamos trampa una vez más;
Convénceme de lo que quieras;
Húndeme en cualquier cuerpo de agua,
iempre y cuando me encuentres medio camino
entre la superficie y tu cuerpo.

"... call it predictable yesterday my dream was of you..."

I'm getting published again! YEAH! This is the poem getting published in "Arcade" a short story and poetry magazine printed once a year from Central Missouri State University in Warrensburg, MO. Second time published. Rock on!!

Here it is, It's in spanish though. One of my favorites.

No me traten de entender cuando
no me entiendo yo mismo.
Déjenme intento averiguar los demonios de mi cabeza,
y los dejaré entrar en ella.

Entre telarañas y piel muerta, aún hay
partes que valen la pena.
Entre heridas abiertas y sangre seca, hay
partes que aún tienen vida.

Es un espejismo placentero lo que
muestro cuando les miento, sobre mis
pesadillas y como se vuelven realidad
cuando despierto.

Entre los actos y el recuerdo, hay una delgada
linea entre lo cierto y lo que me invento.
Entre la espera y la distancia, hay suficiente
vacío para comenzar de nuevo.

Tan fácil como me tiran, me levanto.
Tan fácil como me quiebran, sano.
Tan fácil como me escupen, se los regreso.
Tan fácil como me maten, regreso por ellos.

Entre el soñar y el despertar, tengo mi
asilo donde regreso a descansar.
Entre el golpe y el dolor, hay un instante donde
la agresión la convierto en amor.

Entre lo cuerdo y la perversión, tengo
mis fantasías y mi tormento.
Entre tu y todos mis pecados, prefiero
tu salvación.

¿Cabe mi locura en una caja? Para
envolvértela y dártela junto con mi sanidad,
son cosas que las he manejado, las he aprendido
a malabarear.

¿Tienes la capacidad de erradicar
mi soledad? No tengo mucho que perder,
pero es lo poco que me queda por apostar.

Entre tus perfumes y sabores, son los mas
exquisitos en mis fantasías y sus requisitos.
Entre tu cuerpo y el mío, existe una sincera
salvación, promesa en un perfecto futuro.

It's time to re-direct my thoughts somewhere else, towards my future; towards this trip to a northern land, a place surrounded by a lake, a body of water surrounded by land.

Pennsylvania waits for me Wednesday, the trip of my life I could call it because It will decide what I'll do with my life for the next two years. For the next two years I wish to leave.

"... I feel summer creeping in and I tired of this town again..."

I need to re-direct my thoughts away from this doubt; from this wish to had seen her in that dress on her birthday. I still cannot believe she wore a dress. She always did things like those when I wasn't around.

I need to re-direct my thoughts to somewhere far away, put myself back on top of that water tower where no worry could reach me; where my mind was nowhere else except atop that water tower. I need to go back to that place and feel the wind trying to throw me off the top; I want to climb that hill again; I want to smell those trees; I want to sit in that bar one more time.

Pennsylvania awaits, a calmer and welcome colder weather and a lake that will see me many times during sunsets. I will be there If I ever leave. I need to leave; I want to leave.

Pennsylvania, Peru, Africa, around Mexico, anywhere where I'm not recognized and people aren't asking me "Why did you go and do that stupid thing?" I believe I can be a brand new person in a brand new place.

I think I can... I think I can. (toot, toot!!!)

It's time to re-direct my thoughts to whatever other possibilities I have what with relationships or things I want. It's time to milk this need; It's time to milk it dry.

Have fun at Bob Dylan.

"... y los celos, así como la incertidumbre, comienzan a entrar en mi cabeza..."

I need another water tower; I need another breath of fresh air; I need another hill to climb; another pond to throw bones in.

I swear to God I tried, If you think I just let it go because of nothing you're wrong, but you can believe whatever you want.

She looks great and, as difficult as it might seem she has changed in these past three weeks. She finally pierced her nose, something she's been wanting to do for months but for some reason or the other she never did it; she dyed her hair red again after a malfunction turned her hair a very sexy jet black. She never liked that color anyway.

She called me to tell me she had things to give me back; things she didn't want anymore; things she didn't need. So I went to her house and she came out with a box in her arms, she gave it to me, I mentioned her new piercing and different hair, I said I was sorry again and she said she was as well. I left. Not even 5 minutes passed and I was back on my way home. I didn't want any trouble; I didn't want to have an argument.

I did not notice until I got home what the box actually had inside, it was all the things I gave her in the last 3 years; pictures, letters, small details, things we'd buy; everything was in that box, neatly organized and packed. I called her telling her these things weren't mine, that I had given them to her, she replied saying that having those things hurt her and that I can do whatever I want with them, including throwing them away since I'm so good at doing that.

I could tell she was still mad, she had something in her eyes I cant quite explain, but that's nothing new though, I could never really read her so I cant really be sure what in the world she was feeling when she saw me earlier today. Probably just complete indifference; probably uncontrollable hate; maybe nothing.

"But please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then they went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'Fuck the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes were always done
in such a hurry."

It's amazing how a person is willing to throw away great memories because of someone else's incapacity to keep moving on but, then again, I guess I did the same. It pains me that this is over but I felt I could keep going much further before something worse happened. I know for a fact that I would cheated on her, but I haven't still.

The truth is I'd only seen her once before as passionate about our relationship as when I broke up with her, and that was when it all of this began. It surprised me to see her say all those things she did that day trying to convince me, she's not one to implore or beg but that's the closest she ever gone. If only it were like that.

She can think what she wants though, I don't have the right to give her my opinion on what's right or wrong anymore, just like with this things she gave me back, I have no room for them here but I cant force her to take them back. She probably thinks I'm fine with it; that I've thrown away all of her stuff away. So wrong. I haven't thrown anything away.

And I don't think I will. I'm sorry

If I was not at work at this very moment, I'd be somewhere else outside of town. Take me out.

Si estuviera trabajando en este momento, estaría en otro lugar fuera de esta ciudad. Sáquenme de aquí.

This is insomnia again.

One more time, waking up at 6:30 A.M. on a Saturday.

- Insomnia is when you cannot sleep.
- Insomnia is when your body shuts down but your mind decides to work overtime.
- Insomnia is when you could write an entire book in a single night if only you could write as fast as the thoughts racing through your head.
- Insomnia is when is waking up every 20 minutes trying to figure out if what you just saw was a dream of a thought. When your half asleep with a half drunken head It's complicated to tell.
- Insomnia is when you start counting the cracks on the roof or you imitate the sounds outside.
- Insomnia is when you have too many things to think about.
- Insomnia is when you just cant shut off.
- Insomnia is the perfect time to jerk off.
- Insomnia is when is when you don't have... what you want.

I see things during those 20 or so minutes I can stay asleep but I cant know for sure if they're dreams or passing memories or thoughts. Hard to tell. So instead of sleeping I've been awake since 6:30 A.M. trying to figure out what to do.

She gave me a note in one of my dreams; we were all muddy trying to walk somewhere, the mud was up to our waist but we could still walk. I couldn't read what the note said though.

I'm so falling asleep at work today.

My house is deserted at the moment and I'm by myself. Any other person would think this is an excellent opportunity to invite someone over, maybe I should. It's a bout freaking damn time for a breakdown again.

I don't think I'll be able to do much with so little sleep though hehehe. Would be embarrassing but, at least, it would be something, and something sounds so good right now.

Just so I'm clear, I'm not guilty of anything except being to damn malleable.

Dos días me dieron y dos días fueron lo que necesité para olvidar los recuerdos; las promesas y estos últimos años.

Me cansa el esperar, mas cuando con cada sol que amanece aparece un nuevo cuerpo que me ofrece despertar.

No la saboreé, apenas la rocé pero mi mente fue lo que jugueteó con la idea de olvidarte.
Dulce olvido; dulce falta de conciencia con la que sufro.

Me haces falta pero ella está mas cerca, a un pasillo que caminar y tres puertas que contar para llegar a la suya.

Dos días fueron suficientes para olvidar todas nuestras fantasías, travesuras y escasas perversiones que solo mi alma carga.

Dos días para decir “La merezco;” dos días para vivir sin conciencia y convertirme en bastardo.

No la probé, apenas la miré recostada sonriente y prácticamente descubierta.
Sus ángulo agudos y vientre tan plano; su cuerpo tan divino como el que mas conozco.

…Y me trato de convencer que la merezco, que más que una prueba esto es un regalo. Me digo esto para no deshacerme al darme cuenta que por dos días ella ocupó tu lugar.