I'm an irrational person, at least I've been told, and this does not bother me at all. I've actually been called that before.

   I am irrational, my behavior is based more on feelings, hopes, hunches and guesses than rationale. I keep thinking that things will get better just because, well, they will, I don't give myself a specific reason. I say to myself "It's how nature works," "It's how it should be," "It's how love should be."

But there are moments where I can help but reflect and realize how illogically I acted, don't get me wrong, most of my actions defy logic most of the times, not that I can defy physics, It's just that sometimes I like to do things unconventionality, for the. sake of saving my sanity from the daily routine.

   Here's Jose trying to write backwards, or my strange habit of keeping a journal and the way I write. My job isn't all that "normal" either.

   So there I was, the words "I think I can, I think I can" going on and on in my head just to survive another day, the little bottle of pills rattling in my pocket, just believing that the day wil comel, no, not the day, but something larger, something that'll last more than a day, where the needs of everyone around me, including mine, will be met. I'm not talking about luxuries, I'm talking about the basic needs of a person, of a man, of a couple.

   I recently confirmed how right I was, yet it's something I cannot say because I still don't feel justified, still I know I did what I needed to do and even though I'm in the exact same situation as before at least now I'm not embarrassed or saddened by the fact of being shot down because I EXPECT to be shot down. It's much easier to accept rejection when you feel you don't deserve something instead of when you feel you do.

   That was probably my problem, I felt I deserved it, why? Because long periods of time (VERY LONG) went by and yet I really believed that people thought it was a walk on the park; that Missouri was a simple excursion what with the opportunities I was offered (or at least hinted on, Comprenez-vous? non?.) I thought that was the trial of fire I had to go through in order to prove that I was capable of much more, that I deserved at least a chance to turn my needs into something incredible for both of us, not a favor.

   I put away so much of my common sense, but I don't mind, I had the time of my life. It's just a shame that something so basic, so bestial, was what tore me apart.

   Eventually, I know our hands will drift apart.

"I tried my best to leave this all on your machine
but the persistent beat it sounded
thin upon listening and
that frankly will not fly. You will hear
the shrillest highs and lowest lows with
the windows down when this is guiding you home."

   I'm "emo" again.

Tal vez ya debería estar durmiendo y soñando alguna estupidéz que me fuera a dejar con la duda de algún profundo significado cuando lo que realmente significa es que me hace falta sexo.

From my favorite book.

"Just supposing, just supposing, that there was some extraordinary way in which you were very important to me, and that, though you didn't know it, I was very important to you, but it all went for nothing 'cus we only had a few hours and I was a stupid idiot at not knowing how to say something very important to someone I've only just met and not crash into a pack of lorries at the same time, what would you say... I should do?"

Take care.

After talking to people from both worlds; after sufficing my need for closure and peace I find the words form the most uncommon person, at least the person I expected it from the least just because I considered her a dangerous vessel for me to pour my thoughts in.

At least I know that in this issue, I'm right.

She said those words that not only surprised me but finally let me exhale that breath of air I've been holding for such a long time.

I've come to terms with what I've done; I've realized that what I did I deserved be it punishment or well-being, It's mine to take hold of and mold it into what I want.

"When your want from the day leaves to curse in your sleep tonight."

I'm cursing each passing day less and less; I had enough of kicking the shadows of every mistake that I have made. After so much explanation and doubt I forgot that I had done this for myself and my own peace of mind, finally something completely and utterly selfish; something entirely mine.

I'll be leaving sooner than I thought, probably mid-June if all goes well. I'm going to different places, even going so much out the way as to visit Nashville Tennessee and Charlotte North Carolina.

The road will do me good. I'll be driving most of the way everywhere. There will be pictures.

Oh yeah, that reminds me...

You might as well have an open bleeding wound on the palm of your hand, either way that hand is useless until it heals.

You try to wash your hair, the shampoo makes it sting like motherhumper.
Hair gel works the same way.

You would not believe it but I have five papercuts on one hand and three on the other, don't ask me how I just noticed this morning. You know when? When I tried to wash my hair. You try shampooing your hair with one hand, specifically the hand you use the least.

This is the epitome of random rambling.

At least I know that in this issue, I'm right.

LET HER GO!
dammit!

...I drink coffee now...
...I actually understand classical music; at least appreciate it...
...I bought intimate apparel...
...I wrote up how to conquer the world...
...I always came back when I said I would...
...I came back for good...
...I survived Missouri...
...I survived Guadalajara...
...I never doubted her, I only doubted myself...
...I learned about art...
...I discovered most of my favorite things...
...I slowed down...
...I thought about a future...
...I became more responsible...
...I thought I could be a man...
...I had the best sex in my life; what little we had...
...I call it "making love" though...
...I enforced my preference for All-Stars...
...I saw Chicago...
...I discovered the best hotdogs...
...I saw a true orchestra...
...I travelled by train...
...I cried...
...I had the worst nights of my life...
...I tasted "Red Hot Cheetos" with ranch dressing...
...I believed in myself...
...I thought I could, I thought I could...
...I planned a life...
...I finished 5 journals...
...I found my calling...
...I knew what jelousy was...
...I stopped eating seafood...
...
...
...
..
..
..
.
.
.

Acaba toda fantasía. No puedo decir lo que siento ahora, solo puedo decírmelo a mi mismo y por debajo de mi propio aliento, lo suficientemente alto para escucharlo dentro de mi propia cabeza pero lo suficientemente bajo para que nadie mas lo oiga.

No puedo negar lo que hay; tampoco puedo negar lo que veo, entonces ¿Cómo decir lo contrario a lo que siento o, simplemente, no decirlo?

Es incómoda esta rareza, tanto que me agradaba una vida con algo de sorpresa hay veces que me gustaría anticipar algunas cosas; hay personas que no quiero perder, ¿qué hacer para no perder a una persona? ¿Qué hacer para no perder... la...?

Eventualmente algo sucederá y la distancia aumentará, sin duda alguna gran parte de lo que resta desaparecerá.

Quiero hacer mucho pero ya no es mí tiempo, este lugar ya no es para mí al igual que estar solo.

Tengo miedo de irme dejando a alguien atras, eso es, eso es todo. Simplemente no puedo mas.

Que me llamen lo que quieran, que me juzguen como quieran, ahora no tengo oidos que para yo mismo.

Adelante...

The last three nights I've been having different dreams with a recurring girl, one I've never seen in my life except in dreams.

"Who she is?" Is a question I've only asked myself since this morning for it was only since then that I noticed she became a recurring theme. The most recent scene being driving in my car here in Juárez; I distinctly remember a certain crossroad close to the morgue where I work, I remember that multicolored tile wall on the bank on the north-west corner of that crossroad.

She's a stranger in every way except in my dreams. In those dreams I know her name; in those dreams I know where she's from; in those dreams I know what she likes and dislikes; in those dreams I KNOW her. Once I wake she's a stranger and I forget those small details. Alll I remember is her physical form.

Long hair, down to just below her shoulder and a bit curly at the ends. Brownish-blondish hair; light brown eyes and small lips. Slim, sporty almost.

She was wearing red pants and a tight white wife beater; her native tongue was English. Cant remember her accent.

She's a stranger and now that I've acknowledged her existence in my subconsciouse I know I'll never dream her again. That's how it is with me, sometimes I just don't write down my dreams because of this fact.

She'll be gone by the morning and I cant even remember her name...

Something is changing.

It's going to be big.

Should I be fighting this temptation or should I just stand firm with the decision I've made?

What would happen? When is it too late?

I try to figure out the reasons why I did this in the first place; the reasons I tell myself, the ones that convinced me and now I'm not so sure. I don't think I ever was, at least for most of them.

There is one reason though that has not faltered in this short time and that is the fact that I'm leaving. Either I'm convinced that I'm not strong enough to wait anymore, or that I'll fall prey to whatever first opportunity I'll have when I'm gone and by myself. God knows as much as I do that It would've been impossible for me to say no.

I rewind the cassette player in my head (yes, I'm that old fashioned) and replay certain scenes from the last few months. I jump from moment to moment, always going from a specific instant and from there remembering details until it forms the larger picture in which that moment is framed.

There's one unfortunate moment that's stuck too my head like a scrambled egg that gets messed up when you try to pass it to the plate. What she said when I mentioned that there's a chance of me leaving again and that I wanted her to come a long with me to live, what she said that night made my mouth close and I said little else the rest of our short time in that bar.

I took her home and immediately went to mine, I barely said goodbye.

Later that night I had one of my many fits of insomnia. I didn't sleep that night, I had mixed feelings of anger, doubt, frustration, and loneliness.

I "woke up" the next day and it was all a haze, I don't remember if I saw her that day or if I just stayed home what with the mood I was in. Burning questions in my head that just wouldn't let themselves be put out; these burning questions that left that scar. How many years had passed and still there were secrets, fears, doubts?

She feared me.

She doubted me.

She kept these secret from me.

All it took was for me to ask you to come along with, to at least consider it. She said it was "creepy."

I believe then they were normal fears and doubts, I probably hadn't given her enough for her to believe that something like this was possible; she probably trusted me enough to let me go and me apart for so long yet did not trust me enough for us to be able to live together. That's the irony of things, we were apart because we had no choice, when the choice was granted and the opportunity at hand the fears set in and grew roots, I was left alone, lying in my bed thinking just one question, "why?"

I wasn't the same after that, I was slowly changing and convincing myself, day by day, the darker side of my heart just saying, "it's time to move on." You can only ignore that voice for so long.

I cried that night because I had never loved anyone so much for this long and in this ironic way have it explode in my face, I had never loved anyone so much and yet feel so untrusted. I blame this all on me though; I probably only thought I was doing all the good for her, I was probably never doing quite enough.

So I insist...

"Did I do all that I should; that I could've done."

After that it was me that was scared and weak; after that, I don't know, I just felt I couldn't do much else. The extent of my actions would not be enough to satisfy a couple's life, so I might as well satisfy my own. Also to try in acknowledge what I'm capable of giving to another person, to reestablish that sincerity with what I actually have and what I can truly give; what I'm willing to sacrifice and what I expect to receive.

There's a difference between believing you should receive something and actually deserving it. I probably did not deserve than what I was given; I probably gave just as much.

It's true on notices his mistakes after the fact, after the years; after everything has changes; after HE has changes, that is when one decides to regret and learn or forget and falter again.

I'm regretting and learning.

We will both move on, there's no doubt inside of that, whether she moves on first or I it doesn't matter, this is not a race. As long as we can both look back at this and smile saying to one another "Those were 3 of the best years of my life."

They were. They'll always be, and even if she cant carry the memories along with her I know I can; I know I'll still have memories hanging on my walls; on my notebooks and inside of me.

I am so sorry; I can never be sorry enough.

Cheers.

I dreamt her a couple nights ago in ways I never wished to dream her again; in ways I NEVER want to see her.

Yesterday I was at work and couldn't help but keep my eyes peeled...

Talk about being stressed...

I think I've done most of my postings early in the morning, probably the only time when I HAVE time, I do come back from work around 7 or 8 o 'clock in the evening with enough space and time to write something but all I want to do is shower, read and then head to bed.

Specially when I was in hand to hand combat with 10 mummified remains, and tow more that were just squeletized. I do enjoy my job.

I think everything is moving one as it should, the mistakes I've made have begun to take shape and to direct themselves towards places that will make them mean something. Everything here is slipping away, I believe that, by the time I leave, everything will disappear; everyone will be gone; no one will give a second though about the mistakes I made except myself.

At least I'll be gone; I'll have a lake to talk to and where I can try to wash it all away. I cant believe how for all this time I've tried to find places where I'm not recognized so I can start over, like a criminal that's running from his past, from that instant where he decided to act differently from what he's been accustomed to, so he can begin a new life. I am that criminal, I am that man carrying around that instant, I am that hopeful being that's trying to find a way out of this place.

I just never thought that the place where a wouldn't be recognized was the place I was born. This contradicts everything I've been running away from, maybe I haven't been running at all, maybe I've just made it all up, maybe I'm not so fucked up as I thought.

Maybe I'm fortunate.

It's still early enough to be dreaming so maybe that's what I'm doing right now. I'm awake but still dreaming.

Dreams of finding a way to get away.

Nightmares of my mistakes.

Watch me regret;

Watch me fakely smile.

Time to leave it all behind again and shed my skin.

Bird Stealing Bread

Tell me, baby, tell me
are you still on the stoop
watching the windows close?
I've not seen you lately
on the street by the beach
or places we used to go.

I've a picture of you
on our favorite day
by the seaside.
There's a bird stealing bread
that I brought
out from under my nose.

Tell me, baby, tell me
does his company make
light of a rainy day?
How I've missed you lately.
and the way we would speak
and all that we wouldn't say.

Do his hands in your hair
feel a lot like a thing
you believe in,
or a bit like a bird
stealing bread out from under your nose?

Tell me, baby, tell me
do you carry the words
around like a key or change?
I've been thinking lately
of a night on the stoop
and all that we wouldn't say.

If I see you again
on the street by the beach
in the evening
will you fly like a bird
stealing bread out from under my nose?

-o-

I needed to know those things, but I guess that how she found out about most of my problems.

"I wanted to make you feel beautiful all the time. I wanted to make you feel the way I felt when I looked at you." (Never happened.)

Post Secret

I am NEVER sarcastic. Whatever I say, I mean.

If what you're going to do is complain and feel worse about what I write here, then I suggest you don't. Sooner or later you might find something that just will be a bit hard to swallow.

For your own good and mine.

Please.

She did not "do good", she did "incredibly good."

- I hate when people flip through my journals without asking me, even if they don't read it. I've lost relationships because of this.
- I love onion rings.
- I like the smell of gasoline.
- My dirty clothes are always in a pile in a corner of my room.
- I'm a compulsive notebook buyer; I have around twenty unused ones. (I love Moleskines.)
- I sleep better accompanied than by myself. The latest I've woken up this year was with someone by my side. (NOON!!!)
- I cant wake up later than 9:00 o'clock when I sleep alone.
- "I used to watch the pouring rain."
- "I used to wish to be back home again."
- "I used to fear the future."
- "I used to believe it was all in your eyes."
- My worst feeling is envy.
- Second one is the inability to act upon something and just watch it fade away.
- I cant be alone for another two years.- I'm tired of waiting for everyone to reappear in my life.
- In my journals I underline the name the person I have feeling for.
- I love Dr. Pepper.
- She made me like coffee. I drink coffee now.
- She's made her blog private.
- I collect sharpies.
- Right now I'm in my underwear. I only have black underwear.
- It's labor day in Mexico, that means I'm going back to bed.
- I've never been blocked before; It's a strange feeling.

So, there's this girl, right...

(that's the most dangerous way to start something...)

... and she's a long ways away. Exactly what I'm not willing to take anymore.

Exactly what I wanted to get away from. Two more years that I just wouldn't be able to survive still waiting.

I can't have another Missouri; I cant have any more 4:00 A.M. bed times; I cant stand much more insomnia; more bad imagery. I just cannot find myself waiting for such needed company that others have at hand, it's too much envy; too much necesity; too much time alone and too little time to make up for it.

I'm listening to my head for the first time, I'm letting my heart rest for a while.

- I need to shave.
- I can't find my camera.
- I exhumed two bodies yesterday; five in the past week.
- Old stones I've tripped on in the past have been thrown back.
- I dont like working Saturdays.
- I steal shot glasses from every new bar I go to.
- I think I need someone.
- Anyone?

I need to get out into the woods more.

I wonder, why would she do that?

If you're sleeping, are you dreaming, if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me? I can't believe you actually miss me...

"And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your brown eyes cry and I held your face in my hand.
And then I fell down yelling make it go away,
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

Hate me today;
Hate me tomorrow;
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you;
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow;
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you."

Anyone for Ruidoso this weekend again?

What the FUCK did I do wrong now that was so bad?

If only I were different...

"I'll be reaching for the stars with you (honey).
Who cares if no one else believes
So I set fire to everyone around.
But I told you
I told you,
I told you.

So ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha.
Yeah we walk."

The problem with me is that I'm always expecting something from some situation or someone, that's how I bring myself down every day. It's easy to be disappointed when nothing you expected occurs.

Two nights in a row and nothing; another freak coincidence and nothing; the right combination of words and nothing; the willingness to finally cooperate and nothing.

I can't expect anything anymore, I don't need another whole day of thinking what I believe I'm going to receive only to find myself with only a flat tire and a busted rim.

At least make it worth my drive there; at least make it worth me busting my ass at work to get out early; at least something.

... and I'm out of time again.

Damn. I was willing to go so far tonight.

Maybe tomorrow night is another good night for a hit.

Conversation, five hours long. 2:23 A.M. here; 4:23 A.M. there.

...as a side note you are such a wonderful writer.

"I am Jose's enraged sense of passive jealousy."

I expected this to happen eventually and I'm not surprised. I wasn't expecting to take a certain amount of time or a certain amount of tries.

She is beautiful, no doubt about that, one of the most beautiful women I know, so it was perfectly natural for this to happen.

It's also perfectly natural for me to feel this way, It's my right to feel jealous because I decided it would be from the beginning.

I've been preparing myself for this since then actually, just waiting for her to realize what she is and is capable of. She says she had forgotten what she could do and that was probably my fault, numbing her into a comfortable, uneventful relationship. I've come to terms with accepting that I was pulling her down and keeping her from what she can really do.

I probably should stop reading her words but hen again, I need to know she's alright.

She can do so much, I think It's time she remembers all of that.

I'm happy for her.

And I'm jealous

Debatiendo este tipo de cosas con completos extraños es bastante interesante. Ese filtro, o mas bien, particularidad de no conocer a la persona que da su opinión mas a esto sumándole el hecho de que no se tiene a la persona cara a cara, puede brindar una opinión de lo mas sincera y transparente.

A distancia es muy fácil que sucedan cosas; es mas fácil que no te juzguen, si uno solo conoce a otra persona por sus palabras, por sus escritos, solo puede realmente sospechar que se tienen cosas en común y puede ser muy cierto, puede que lo tengan, de hecho creo que lo tenemos.

A distancia todo puede ocurrir; te puedes enamorar de alguien y se lo puedes decir sin tanto riesgo a salir lastimado; a distancia se puede llevar a cabo una guerra sin siquiera estar participando en ella; a distancia se puede conquistar el mundo entero.

Me dan cosas para pensar, para reconsiderar, ya será cosa de mí de que manera desperdicio mi vida.

Tales opiniones son más que bienvenidas, son apreciadas.

Gracias


Translating...

Discussing these types of things with complete strangers is incredibly interesting. This filter, or better said, particularity of not knowing this person that is giving his/her opinion and adding to this the fact that such person is not here at all, can bring an opinion so honest so transparent.

At a distance it's very easy for things to happen; it's easier NOT to be judged; if one only knows another person just by his words, by his writings, he or she can only really suspect that they have things in common and it can be so very true, they just might and I actually think they do.


At a distance anything can happen, you can fall in love and you can say it without running such a big risk of ending hurt; at a distance you can mange a war without even participating in it; at a distance one can conquer the world.

These people give me ideas to think about, to consider, in the end it'll be my decision on how I screw up my life.

These are more than welcome; they're so very much appreciated.

Thank you.

I've got this buzz going right here just by myself, listening to this song that just reminds me so much.

"... I've been wrong but It's alright.
there have been long and lonely nights.
I was lost 'till I found you..."

I cant get it down quite right on the guitar yet.

It wont change my life but, God, how it makes me think will scare me sometimes.

I'm, by far, a lonesome person. I like being alone; I enjoy my solitude. It becomes a problem when that solitude creates loneliness out of nothing. I hate being lonely and not knowing why.

Nick Drake soothes my uneasiness.

Yet still I feel I'm missing out on so much still. Even though I've been, in a way, free I still feel perfectly enclosed inside myself, as if I'm more comfortable in here than out there. It's probably true but "out there" is where I need to be.

Beer bottle dried out, need another one. There's three corpses made of glass lying neatly in my trash bin, one for each hour I've had nothing to do.

I don't know, I need another hit maybe; I need to feel something I've never felt before; I need to have sex without feeling; I need to put the emotions aside and, for once, act as If I was an animal.

... to scream instead of talk.
... to run instead of walk.
... to fly instead of crash.
... to laugh out loud instead of just smiling.
... to feel like I'm closer to life than to death.
... to hunt instead of buy.
... to fuck instead of make love.
... to enjoy instead of complain.

I feel as if I need to fulfill my most basic needs and wants in order to gain access to all those things that enrich my life.

Hit me. I'm in the mood fuck the whole world today. It's my goddamn obligation. It's my freaking right.

I need... so much.

- I always wear long black socks.
- I always change the white shoelaces on my black all stars to black ones.
- Most of my music reminds me of somebody. I always relate a song with a memory; a feeling; a person.

I've so uninspired lately. Too much work has drained me, too much office work, such small office space. I cant wait 'til Monday when I'll be back at the cemeteries.

My eyes are heavy from little sleep, insomnia is my lover every night but she's always gone by morning. She comes back when I'm ready to retire. She always comes back.

"Caught a bolt of lightning... curse the day I let it go."

I could say so much to this person right now.

I cant believe it.

Was I to naive to expect something?

- I have to fix that problem.
- I smoke when nobody's around.
- I've begun to drink my coffee black and sweet.
- I've gotten used to drinking by myself.
- I am naive. I've always been.
- I'm high maintenance.
- I like my tea with milk.
- I prefer ales to lagers.
- "You're easy to kiss."
- I'm starting to enjoy my solitude again.
- I paste pictures of people having sex on my journal to express how I feel.
- I've kept a journal for ten years.
- I keep my poetry apart from my journal.
- I've been published twice.
- I've been drinking too much water lately.
- My back has been hurting more than usual.
- My sight goes blurry sometimes.
- "Don't make me..."
- I cant sleep for more than two hours at a time.
- Sometimes I cant go to sleep before 3 am.
- I dream something different everytime I get to sleep, but I can remember at least one.
- I have poor vocabulary.
- I need to get laid.
- "You have nice teeth."
- I hate to shave.
- I cant get enough.
- I steal paper towels from restrooms to write on them (I have hundreds.)
- I hate losing pens.
- I'm starting to develope an argentine accent. (God help me!)
- "Don't stop talking."
- I prefer a mountain range than the beach. A pine tree to a palm tree. Whiskey to a beer.
- I'm alone and dont feel that bad.
- I've changed.
- I'm changing still.
- "These trees smell like cum."
- I'm leaving.
- I'm not coming back.
- I've never cum.
- I'm a compulsive writer, almost pathologically.
- I'm starting to feel closer to thirty now.
- I always wear all-stars.
- I'm starting to "feel."
- I dont feel part of the scenery anymore.
- "We've got body over here!"
- I dont want to be buried when I die.
- I want a tatoo.
- I've never kissed a girl with a tongue piercing.
- I'd like to.
- I hate wearing ties.
- Today I drank half a gallon of Coke... at lunch!!!
- I hate paperwork.
- I love exhumations.
- I've lost all the romantic beliefs I've had about death.
- The smell of rotting corpses makes me hungry.
- My favorite part of the human skeleton is the back bone.
- My favorite part of the womans body is the waist; and the small of her back.
- Cute face; developed intelligence; good body. In that order.
- I used to draw.
- I've been lost.
- I've been found.
- "Pinky swear, twice."
- Love's will is broken in me.
- I bite my nails constantly, not only when I'm nervous.
- I love my job when It's not confined to the office.
- I like to crack my back.
- I've been wrong.
- I wish I had jet black hair.
- I've been right.
- I've only been on top of one water tower.
- Each of my three guitars has a different name.
- I'm not afraid of heights but I get vertigo.
- "Tell me about yourself."
- I work with dead bodies. Live ones give me the creeps
- I like Irish girls.
- Sometimes I really believe I'm crazy.
- Sometimes I am.
- Sometimes I'm not.
- Sometimes I wish...



I'm still here.

I cant really say I know much. Things have changed so drastically in so little time. People have come and gone, almost disappeared; important people; unforgettable people; beautiful. I've managed to drive them away somehow, whether with my incoherences, my cowardness or my insistence. Which ever way, I just seem to drive these people away.

I tend to back off then, I know the signs; I recognized those hidden words in between the lines because If heard them before; I've used them as well.

She's drifting away. Sooner or later, I know our hands will drift apart.

She's far away. Nothing I can do there.

She's disappeared. I can only wonder where she's gone.

I'll vanish myself eventually, not into thin air but up to the north, a colder place, more comfortable for me. It's about time I take a break from the sun. The lake will be a place for me to relax. An ocean that's sweet.

My problems will come and go and I'll take care of them as they arrive, It's more important to take care of myself now; to get better; to feel well enough to function in other ways than accompanied. I need to learn to be able to breath by myself.

Everything will eventually fall into place, only if I'm there to put everything where it needs to be. Once each thing comes and presents it's problem I'll make sure to get around "tuit."

'Till then.

Cheers

I think I have a thing for Irish girls.

Blimey!!!

Whatever was spoken; whatever was done; whatever kisses were given.
Value everything below it's worth, forget everything said and start from the sky once more.

The chances given and all of the lost; a woodsy wilderness promised two more days; change brought another promise broken.

Walking forward with the wings on your ankles carrying you around, so thin a body I swear could float over the ground.

Your wings grew and as soon as you landed you were gone, leaving behind a scent, a presence, some feathers from your wings.

Whatever was intended; whatever was justified; whatever was always taken for granted.
Lighter Kisses I have not known, from who I expected a violent reaction I received tranquility.

A night's silent activity, unreal covers still sweating without moving, without speaking a single word for fear of something outside this room; for respect of one and another's past.

Walking backwards and landing on lighter kisses and the wings on your feet. So short a time never owning time at all.

You were no one until a Friday afternoon and I was something until you kissed me behind everyone's back.

Well now the world has turned around and you have flown.
You're a story and nothing more.

And so I start...
There were words
and then there was you disappearing.
Vanished on a pair of borrowed wings
much larger than the ones around your feet.

And so it goes on...
thoughts of someone gone
and thoughts of something lost.
Vanished in thin air a presence lingers still.
Much stronger than any perfume,
much more sudden than any kiss.

And so it ends...
unknowing, still believing
there is something more to this.
Vanished just like love; a memory still in my veins.
Much deeper than I thought,
much simpler wars we have fought.

And so it continues...
It lingers on with your wings...
I thought one could go o far with those wings...

And everything is different... just like that.

After so much in so little time... now nothing at all.

Strange

"Did I do all that I should; that I could've done."

It's never stupid to say what your heart feels. Cowards are the people that keep what they feel inside.

We had our songs; our moments but the fact that this ended doesn't mean they're not ours anymore. As difficult as it may seem right now it will become easier to deal with each passing day; there will come a time where you will remember all this with a smaller degree of sadness and larger sense of thankfulness. You will remember the moments and realize how these things made you who you are and helped you achieve, they will still be specific moments no one else will have. You will come to appreciate them not as something you lost, but as something you happily experienced.

There will come a time. I swear it will. If you can still believe something that comes from me, make it that.

I will always apologize for not being all that you needed; I will always apologize for letting you down.

I'm truly sorry.

It's hard to say what my recent behavior says about me. For the people that just met me, they probably can't judge me completely yet; for the poeple that have known me for at least a couple of years all I can picture them saying is: "You've changed."

I rarely got opportunities like the one I got last night but for the first time in all those opportunities I took it and had the fun I'm supposed to have.

People here have still to judge my actions, maybe they wont; maybe they'll never know. I dont know what would be better with that. I'll probably hear a comment later tonight.

It's a tight knit group the one they have here, It may be a bit more complicated to be accepted than I thought. They're very selective and I understand that just because they are so tightly knit and so small, any person coming in and disrupting this harmony they've managed to establish represents a sort of threat to the relative peace they have here. It's very nice symbiosis they have here, I just hope I can one day form a part of it.



People have come and gone searching for the spot I somehow managed to grab hold of, believe me, I'm still surprised I got it. "I find it hard to explain how I got here... I think I can, I think I can." Now It's time to actually take this awesome step I achieved and put it to good use. About time I do something that will leave me with something again.

Exhausted from last night; from whatever happened last night; from the drinks, looks, hidden innuendo and words in between what they said.

"You're here for now. Be careful what you do."

Then I promptly go down and do it, I mistake my intentions with my needs. "Be careful what you do, you've only been here one day." I heard telling myself. "It's not time to flip this world around quite yet." There's plenty of time to return here and wreak havok in a nother way; there's always ways to come back and see what one can so easily alter; something I can so easily "acquire."

Call me surprised, because I am. Believe me. But maybe It's just me.

Time will pass before I eventually come back, several months, even more weeks and I don't want to count the days, they'll just make them go slower. I need to come back as soon as I can.

It's strange how I'm still dissapointing people because I'm leaving; hurting them even because I'm finally achieving things that are solely for myself. I once made her promise that I would never hurt her again, I should have realized that promise is impossible to keep forever; impossible to keep at all.

Things will change; things are already changing; I'm changing. I need people to be ok with that, to be ok with the fact that I'm probably not going to be the same person in four months, or two years.

I need to change.

I need to keep recieving what I felt in Erie; that vibe as If I'm forming part of something but I'm still just myself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

ACCEPTED!!!!

ROCK ON!!!

For those of you who forgot to;
or those that just decided not to.
For those who were too busy;
or those that just didn't worry.
For those that just don't care;
or those that actually offered me their care.

Wish me luck

C'ya saturday.

Yes, it IS this early.

pusilánime
Préstamo (s. xv ) del latín pusillanimis , formado a partir de pusillus ‘pequeño’ y anima ‘aire, aliento’, ‘alma’. De la familia etimológica de alma (V.).
adjetivo/nombre común
1 [persona] Que muestra poco ánimo y falta de valor para emprender acciones, enfrentarse a peligros o dificultades o soportar desgracias.

Claro, como me quieran describir. Me sigue sorprendiendo como a una persona la pueden tener descrita después de una sola acción. Una.

Es cierto entonces que una persona realmente describe como es otra solo cuando tienen algún desgarre en la relación. ¿Acaso no era pusilánime mientras estábamos juntos o simplemente fué algo nuevo y repentino que desarrollé?

Aparentemente no tomó valor hacer lo que hice...
Aparentemente no toma valor lo que voy a hacer...

Ni hablar, me pueden describir como quieran. Ahora soy pusilánime, mañana aún no se que error cometeré, ni el adjetivo que me atribuirán.

Apenas ha sido una persona que conozco quien lo ha notado y me lo ha dicho a la cara: "Estas triste, ¿Por qué?" Lleva meses diciéndome lo mismo. La primera vez que lo dijo me sorprendió tanto porque nunca nadie antes me lo había dicho ni había estado tan cierto ni cerca a la realidad. Lo único que le pude decir fué "¿Acaso se nota tanto?" Entonces, ¿Por qué nadie ha dicho una sola palabra? En este tipo de casos es uno mismo el que tiene que decir la primera palabra. Mas adelante me dijo que conoce muy bien el tema, que ha escrito tésis sobre ella.

El poco ánimo lo admito pero que me juzguen entonces por estar deprimido.

Bienvenido al mundo de beber solo.

Si regreso con buenas noticias prometo que seras la primera en saber.

Arrivo a El Paso el sábado entre 6:30 y 7:00 de la noche. Hablaremos entonces.

Early tomorrow morning I'll be flying farther than I have in so long. I'm flying to find a place for myself, a place where I can stop shooting the future on the foot.

6:55 A.M. Will see me flying over the people I know. It'll be a very early morning.

I wont come back for three days trying to find a way not come back in two years.

Wish me luck, all.

Recuerdos que apenas tocan la superficie de estos tres años.

Salúd por los próximos tres... si sobrevivo.

It would've been trhee years tomorrow; three years of one heck of a ride.

Unfortunately these pillars gave way with my biggest weakness; my biggest need. I'm too much of an animal for someone to love; I'm too neanderthal to be civilized. After almost three years we spent many hours saying how all the things that other people said would defeat us have only ricochet off of us. It's funny how whatended sabotaging this relationship was myself.

Sometimes I'm too much of an "average guy" to feel unique.

She'll live her life and find someone else, I know that; I know many that admire her beauty. It's harder for me because, well, It's always been like that.

I would've loved to see her in that dress she says she wore on her birthday though... she never wore a dress for me except on very special occasions. I guess I'll never see that now.

There's nothing much to do now really. She want's to see me one more time, she says she has things to say to me and I have no idea what. I don't know if she'll yell at me in anger; I don't know if she'll cry; I don't know what questions she will ask, all I know now is that she has things to say.

We'll see this weekend.

Years will pass and at least I can hope that a friendship will be rescued, all we need is to realize that what we were to each other was something to prepare us for something larger. She's been everything to me for so long though. I know we'll both survive this.


Cheers to you Gorgeous.

Be happy; be a readhead; be you.

Be a mad scientist.

Be free.